Finally. The lung function test took 3 minutes. I was prepared to be there for the whole morning. I saw some patients blowing into what looked like a bong, with smoke and all (which turned out to be vapor, not smoke). After entering my details into some sort of handheld machine, the medical assistant asked me to take a deep breath, and blow hard into the tube, several times. He told me to do it properly, and I tried my best to copy his instructions. He asked me, "Do you have asthma?" No, I said. The machine interpreted my test as "Restrictive disorder". Uh-oh. Went by the clinic to pick up an ultrasound reference letter, so asked the doctor about my lung function test results. He merely concluded that it was a bad effort on my side. He said he doesn't think that I did the test correctly. Anyway, he just told me to exercise a bit more these few days and not to worry about it. He also told me that he won't be around next week, and said that I'll be fine without him around. Yeah, ok doc.
My mother is most concerned about this. I have decided to just go for the transplant, and deal with it...despite worrying about infections and so forth. My mother having second thoughts is making me having third (or fourth) thoughts. Should I follow my heart? Which means I'm going against my mother's instincts. I have thought about the transplant, when i was having second thoughts, and decided to do it because if I don't, I will forever be worried if my leukemia will come back. Now, if i do the transplant, when I'm done with it, at least I'll have a peace of mind. I am aware that going through transplant is not easy, and that there is a small risk that the disease will come back, but at least I would have minimized the risk. I just want closure, so I can close this book and get on with my life. So, I'm off to the ward on Sunday. I start my radiation therapy on Tuesday, and the transplant will be on the 11th. I will try to keep this site updated, if i don't get too tired from the radiation, :-).
In the mean time, I will relax. In fact, I'm going to go for a spa treatment this afternoon (courtesy of Ida J) to help me relax.
I hope your prayers are with me, and wish me luck. Thanks!
I'll write you from the other side. Of freedom i mean, not the other side of life. Hehe.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
lung function test part deux
again, no lung function test today. got wise and decided to call the institute before driving all the way there. the guy told me that i should not eat before the lung function, because if i do, i will vomit. so my mum and i turned around, and headed to Ikea instead. spent 3 hours there, then another hour looking at diamonds, and came home. internet still not on. lucky there's a starbucks nearby....always good for desperate times.
will go for lung function tomorrow.
will go for lung function tomorrow.
T-day minus 13
Stuck at home with no internet because i forgot to pay the bill..Will go pay today. I'm going for lung function test in a few mins. Hope it turns out good, because i just came back from one of the best runs in my adult life!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Hero
i remember being made to sing this song at the top of my lungs at a pre-departure orientation about 9 years ago. of course, at the time i, all i could think of was how pointless this activity was. but i was listening to it again today, and i realized; it was about the "feel" (alah...like the AF juries always point out..'must have feel!!'). So today, since i can't sing it too loud, i'll hum it:
"There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know will melt away
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you..."
100% feel!!
"There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know will melt away
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you..."
100% feel!!
Sunday, June 26, 2005
early morning ruckus
i was reading my Sue Townsend when i heard a motorbike screech and honk at 4.30 AM. As described in the about section of this blog, i am a lazy bugger, so i ignored the noise. After about 10 minutes, the doorbell rang. I opened the window, and two guys were outside the gate, excitedly telling me that they just saw a person climb out our gate with a bag and ran off on a motorbike. The boys said they chased after the burglar in their car, but the burglar managed to get away. We all went down to check what was taken. No break in. The cats are safe. The burglar only took some shoes. Luckily my green adidas were inside, so they didn't get stolen. phew..
since they started doing the Syabas pipe replacements, the burglary rate has gone up around this area. i think only last week the house behind mine was broken into. i'm not blaming Syabas here, i'm merely pointing out a positive correlation in the data. hmm must remember to store all my valuables in a safe place. speaking of which, has anybody seen my digital camera?
since they started doing the Syabas pipe replacements, the burglary rate has gone up around this area. i think only last week the house behind mine was broken into. i'm not blaming Syabas here, i'm merely pointing out a positive correlation in the data. hmm must remember to store all my valuables in a safe place. speaking of which, has anybody seen my digital camera?
my 3G plea
dear tan sri ananda krishnan,
I'm about to have my stem cell transplant in two weeks time (for leukemia). For that, I would have to be in the hospital for around 5-6 weeks. You see, I'm used to having 24 hour internet and astro access(when weather permits) at home, so i'm not sure how i will manage in the hospital without those two. (Yes, i may sound like a brat, but one can barely live without internet and satellite/cable tv these days. And no, I don't think I would ever survive on the show Survivor.)
Let me get to the point. I would like to try out the maxis 3G service, but i find that the startup cost very expensive. I personally don't mind paying the RM120/month for unlimited access. By having 3G access, i would also be able to subscribe to some of astro's video streamings that are available. I hope you could be kind enough to provide me with a free 3G card, as I have been a loyal maxis and astro customer since 2001. I know it's not a very long time, but i intend to stay a customer in the future, since there are not that many services to choose from in this country to start with.
Thank you for your consideration. You can find my email on the left side of the screen.
Sincerely,
nadio.
I'm about to have my stem cell transplant in two weeks time (for leukemia). For that, I would have to be in the hospital for around 5-6 weeks. You see, I'm used to having 24 hour internet and astro access(when weather permits) at home, so i'm not sure how i will manage in the hospital without those two. (Yes, i may sound like a brat, but one can barely live without internet and satellite/cable tv these days. And no, I don't think I would ever survive on the show Survivor.)
Let me get to the point. I would like to try out the maxis 3G service, but i find that the startup cost very expensive. I personally don't mind paying the RM120/month for unlimited access. By having 3G access, i would also be able to subscribe to some of astro's video streamings that are available. I hope you could be kind enough to provide me with a free 3G card, as I have been a loyal maxis and astro customer since 2001. I know it's not a very long time, but i intend to stay a customer in the future, since there are not that many services to choose from in this country to start with.
Thank you for your consideration. You can find my email on the left side of the screen.
Sincerely,
nadio.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
tidaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkk!!!
4th AF concert: idayu was kicked out. nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! this is injustice! then again, i'm not a voter. so i will shut my mouth. or rather, stop typing about it.
wooohaaa!
I'm feeling much better now. After a lot of sleep, and hours in front of the telly, I finished Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time. It always feels good to finish something, eh? Other things to finish on my list:
- Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith
- Prince of Persia - The Warrior Within (if i could get it to load)
- Batman Returns
- My books
- My learn to speak Chinese CD
- My thesis (must start this after I get out of the hospital)
Friday, June 24, 2005
worries, worries
i've been sleeping my worries away. don't feel like shopping. can't think of anything to buy that would be useful for me for this next week. won't be needing much when in the hospital. just a tv, and at least my handphone to access the internet. Both of which i already have.
i feel a craving for fish & co fish and chips coming up. off i go! maybe i'll feel better when I'm at the mall.
i feel a craving for fish & co fish and chips coming up. off i go! maybe i'll feel better when I'm at the mall.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
lung function test
7AM: I lie in my bed, my eyes closed, but I'm not feeling sleepy anymore. I couldn't sleep until 5AM last night, and felt very agitated to be forced out of bed. I wondered what it would be like to just drive off to Genting for the weekend..so i can spend some time by myself, without people ordering me about. Then my thoughts moved on to something bad that happens while i'm alone in Genting. That would teach the people to stop ordering me about, I thought some more. As I wondered those useless thoughts, I drifted back to sleep.
i only woke up recently, so there was no lung function test. I'll go next monday. i really have to stop this sleeping pattern! I'll start by not sleeping tonight. I'll be so tired tomorrow night that I'll get zonked out early, and wake up early on Saturday. From then on, I hope that the timing will change.
j'ai faim. very hungry indeed. i guess it's straight on to dinner for today. adieu!
i only woke up recently, so there was no lung function test. I'll go next monday. i really have to stop this sleeping pattern! I'll start by not sleeping tonight. I'll be so tired tomorrow night that I'll get zonked out early, and wake up early on Saturday. From then on, I hope that the timing will change.
j'ai faim. very hungry indeed. i guess it's straight on to dinner for today. adieu!
the blower's daughter - damien rice
i've been listening to this over and over again. it's so beautiful! not a clue what it means though...i mean..who the heck is the blower's daughter? a glass blower? leaf blower? who knows..
and so it is...
got lung function test tomorrow at IPR (Respiratory Medicine Institute). Hope my lungs are functioning well, and there are no unpleasant surprises.and so it is...
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is...
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her skiescan't take my eyes off of you...can't take my eyes off of you...
etc.
and so it is...
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
aromatic flashbacks
you know how certain smells can trigger back memories? e.g. if i hear Backstreet Boy's I Want It That Way, it always reminds me of my brief stay in LA, summer of 1999.
Now that I only have a week more of outside life before I'm confined to the hospital room for the next 5 weeks, i'm starting to get reminders of what it's like to be in the hospital whenever I smell these:
Now that I only have a week more of outside life before I'm confined to the hospital room for the next 5 weeks, i'm starting to get reminders of what it's like to be in the hospital whenever I smell these:
- Lux Luxury Spa shower cream
- Dettol Antibacterial handwash
- Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo
- Pizza Hut
Monday, June 20, 2005
la mortalité, la mortalità , mortality
when i saw this, I was reminded of my own mortality.
On several occasions, I have thought about what would happen if I died. Well, I have also thought about it before I got diagnosed with leukemia, but it is a thought that comes more often to my mind these days. When I saw a paper cutting where Nik Aziz said "roh tidak diterima bumi jikalau berhutang" (your spirit will not be accepted by the earth if you are in debt), i thought about my housing and car loans. When I heard about my fellow AML friends who died not even a year after diagnosis, I thought about my own chances.
All of a sudden the words "pegi mampus-lah" (go die) carries a meaning. I often catch myself with that phrase at the tip of my tongue, about to say it to a rude driver or a rude whoever, and find myself holding back. When my little brother crankily said to me "nah, pakai la computer tu sampai mati" (here, you can use the computer until you die), it made me feel sad, although it is something we quite normally say to each other.
I think about whether I should make a will. Then again, I don't have that many things to worry about, financially. Some savings, a car and house loan and a credit card. That's about it. I think about whether I should appoint someone to take down this blog and all my other Internet accounts. I think about what would happen to my cats. Would Z miss me? Would my family miss me? Would the world miss me?
As I thought about my mortality, it occured to me that I worry more about what I will be leaving behind, when I should be more worried about being in God's good books. I hope this is God's way of giving me a wake up call, a second chance to become a better person. To become aware of my own mortality and what lies beyond.
On several occasions, I have thought about what would happen if I died. Well, I have also thought about it before I got diagnosed with leukemia, but it is a thought that comes more often to my mind these days. When I saw a paper cutting where Nik Aziz said "roh tidak diterima bumi jikalau berhutang" (your spirit will not be accepted by the earth if you are in debt), i thought about my housing and car loans. When I heard about my fellow AML friends who died not even a year after diagnosis, I thought about my own chances.
All of a sudden the words "pegi mampus-lah" (go die) carries a meaning. I often catch myself with that phrase at the tip of my tongue, about to say it to a rude driver or a rude whoever, and find myself holding back. When my little brother crankily said to me "nah, pakai la computer tu sampai mati" (here, you can use the computer until you die), it made me feel sad, although it is something we quite normally say to each other.
I think about whether I should make a will. Then again, I don't have that many things to worry about, financially. Some savings, a car and house loan and a credit card. That's about it. I think about whether I should appoint someone to take down this blog and all my other Internet accounts. I think about what would happen to my cats. Would Z miss me? Would my family miss me? Would the world miss me?
As I thought about my mortality, it occured to me that I worry more about what I will be leaving behind, when I should be more worried about being in God's good books. I hope this is God's way of giving me a wake up call, a second chance to become a better person. To become aware of my own mortality and what lies beyond.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
3rd AF Concert
eek!! my youngest brother just called from his boarding school to find out who got kicked out of the academy this week. what a freakin' fanatic! keke
I don't consider myself a fanatic (hahahah), but i tried to access the live telecast over the Internet just now, and it was congested!! Only managed to see some video when the whole shabang was over. bargh...
no...i'm not going to do a sultanmuzaffar. hahah!! but anyway, here's what I thought.
amylea and idayu were entertaining, as usual. yazer rocked. amy sucked to the max tonight. aidil's show had nice effects. the rest, not very impressive. i still don't get what the big deal is with mawi & felix.
there was an awkward moment before idayu's performance, when aznil asked her what she thought of men who loves to boss people around. idayu showed her little finger and said "amboi amboi amboi....!" aiyoh! nak "amboi amboi amboi" pi la masuk Cit Cat Azwan Ali. maybe she got aznil nawawi and azwan ali mixed up in her nervousness. I'm sure Aznil gets it a lot. heh heh.
i'm curious, are the students allowed to smoke cigarettes at the academy?
I don't consider myself a fanatic (hahahah), but i tried to access the live telecast over the Internet just now, and it was congested!! Only managed to see some video when the whole shabang was over. bargh...
no...i'm not going to do a sultanmuzaffar. hahah!! but anyway, here's what I thought.
amylea and idayu were entertaining, as usual. yazer rocked. amy sucked to the max tonight. aidil's show had nice effects. the rest, not very impressive. i still don't get what the big deal is with mawi & felix.
there was an awkward moment before idayu's performance, when aznil asked her what she thought of men who loves to boss people around. idayu showed her little finger and said "amboi amboi amboi....!" aiyoh! nak "amboi amboi amboi" pi la masuk Cit Cat Azwan Ali. maybe she got aznil nawawi and azwan ali mixed up in her nervousness. I'm sure Aznil gets it a lot. heh heh.
i'm curious, are the students allowed to smoke cigarettes at the academy?
burp..
Mum's birthday dinner at Sudu @ Hilton was great. Got so full eating all the prawns and dessert..I think I will gain that weight the doc told me to by transplant day.
Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time on PS2 is quite fun! Wonder if I should spend the next two hours playing...hmmmm....
check out Shazrul's Sporadic Snaps. it's new, but it's got some very nice pictures, and more to come soon. as long as he doesn't post pictures of himself, we should all be safe. bwahahaha!
Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time on PS2 is quite fun! Wonder if I should spend the next two hours playing...hmmmm....
check out Shazrul's Sporadic Snaps. it's new, but it's got some very nice pictures, and more to come soon. as long as he doesn't post pictures of himself, we should all be safe. bwahahaha!
running playlist
this is my current playlist that I use when i walk or run. It helps me keep the pace. The songs are measured by bpm (beats per minute), so I have arranged the playlist so that it starts slow (Around 70 bpm). The pace picks up as we go from one song to the next.
- Rob Thomas - Lonely No More
- NSync - Bye Bye Bye
- Siti Nurhaliza - Hati Kama
- Five & Queen - We Will Rock You
- B2K & P. Diddy - Bump, Bump, Bump
- Eric Benet - Love Don't Love Me
- Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
- Backstreet Boys - Shining Star
- Gareth Gates - Sunshine
- Jamelia - Superstar
I usually get tired at this point, but in case I get ambitious, the list continues...
- Usher - Caught Up
- Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up
- Ciara f. Missy Elliot - One Two Step
- Gareth Gates - Suspicious Minds
- Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One
- Azharina - Elegi Sepi
- Akademi Fantasia - Menuju Puncak
- Britney Spears - Do Something
- SM Salim & Siti Nurhaliza - Pandang-Pandang, Jeling-Jeling
Friday, June 17, 2005
after dental
Dang the dentist was cute! 1 1/2 hour wait and only 3 minutes of checkup! My teeth are all set for the stem cell transplant.
dental checkup wait
Am waiting for my dental checkup. Man it's difficult to find a parking spot around this hospital. Attempted to park at the staff parking and got shoo-ed away. I guess i didn't look like a staff, nor was i driving the right car. Many times i came in a mercedes, not once did the guard deny me a parking spot. Just not my luck today, maybe. The guard waited until i finally managed to fit my car into a supertight spot, and then told me that i'm not allowed to park there. Why didn't she tell me earlier! I told the sad story of having to go for checkup without my mum, but the guard didn't buy it. Oh well. Didn't look like a doctor, didn't have a Merc and didn't look sick enough.
Hope the dentist doesn't make me take my wisdom teeth out today.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
the day I bought a skirt
i bought a skirt today. i am aware that there are people who actually read my blog, so I usually try to avoid mundane details in my entries. this, however, is different. now, people who know me will know that I'm not a skirt person. (ly-d, remember when I said that I would quit my job if they force me to wear a skirt? hahaha) But i was walking in the shops just now and when I saw this skirt, I just felt like I had to have it. I really don't know when I will wear this, but i just had to have it! And now it's mine! My precious....ha ha ha.
wakey wakey!
fell asleep while watching Diari AF at 8.30PM last night, and only woke up at 4pm today. Whoa...maybe I felt a bit depressed and confused, after yesterday. Still don't know what to do. The datin has shown me an option, an equal one, if not better than the transplant.
you people were right to tell me not to listen to that man (see two posts below). I won't. It has only affected me a teeny-weeny bit, not as much as when people tell me that I will get well! Only God can say what can or cannot be cured. Not the lines on our palms. Neither could an ass who goes around telling people just that. Come to think of it, I think that guy was sick too. He had a lump on his neck, I could see. But he wouldn't (or couldn't) tell me what it is. Z told me, maybe he has given up hope, and wants everybody else to be as unhappy as him.
Am going to the shops for a bit to exchange my copy of Revenge of the Sith PS2 game. Quite a nice game. I'm playing Madagascar now. Game kiut2 la...but quite an addictive adventure game.
ps: The Datin Diaries is back!
you people were right to tell me not to listen to that man (see two posts below). I won't. It has only affected me a teeny-weeny bit, not as much as when people tell me that I will get well! Only God can say what can or cannot be cured. Not the lines on our palms. Neither could an ass who goes around telling people just that. Come to think of it, I think that guy was sick too. He had a lump on his neck, I could see. But he wouldn't (or couldn't) tell me what it is. Z told me, maybe he has given up hope, and wants everybody else to be as unhappy as him.
Am going to the shops for a bit to exchange my copy of Revenge of the Sith PS2 game. Quite a nice game. I'm playing Madagascar now. Game kiut2 la...but quite an addictive adventure game.
ps: The Datin Diaries is back!
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