ayat syifa' (ayat penyembuh)

I'm trying to memorize this in arabic but maybe i should be trying harder.
1. Dan Quran menyembuhkan hati orang-orang mukminin
2. Dan penyembuh bagi suatu penyakit yang ada didalam dada
3. Keluar dari perutnya minuman yang beraneka warna menjadi penyembuh bagi manusia
4. Dan Kami turunkan dari Quran sesuatu yang menjadi penyembuh dan rahmat bagi orang mukminin
5. Dan apabila aku sakit, maka Ia (Allah) yang menyembuhkan aku
6. Katakanlah hai Muhammad, ia (Quran) menjadi petunjuk dan penyembuh.

radiation day 3

again, nothing interesting happened. but the radiotherapy ends today. I'm feeling OK so far. No skin burns, no nausea today. Gained a bit of appetite, so I had all three meals. The process isn't too complicated, really. They take me into a room, start plugging some diodes on my body, and shine the radiation. It takes about 30 minutes per session. 10 minutes to get ready, 10 minutes to shine the front part of my body, and another 10 minutes to shine the back part. Then I get wheeled back to my ward.

here's a picture of my infusomat. I call it the Movement Inhibitor. It's just so bloody heavy, it doesn't make me feel like moving around the room or going to the toilet. Plus it's so cold here i'd rather stay under the blanket!



Ok, will probably start memorizing some prayers for tomorrow, and then watch some Jamie Oliver, maybe. I start my high dose chemo tomorrow. Wish me luck!

radiation day 2

Nothing much. Still feeling tired, and have lost my appetite. Everything seems tasteless, including kfc's mashed potatoes that has never failed me so far. My thyroid glands are a bit swollen, due to the radiotherapy.

My blood count is dropping, total white 4.6, hb 10.2 and platelets 132.

Bye!

radiation day 1

Hickman insertion had a bit of complication yesterday. My chest and shoulder are still a bit sore now. Blood counts were normal, white count 5.7, hb 13.1 and platelets 179.

Had my first radiation this morning. It was painless, but i felt very tired after that. The room looks like a ct scan room, only instead of going through the ct scan, they place you in front of the radiation machine and shine the radiation towards you. I vomited a couple of times today, but so far nothing i can't handle. At 3.30pm, i was sent for my second dose of radiation.

Am going to rest some more now.

woi sejuk nye!!!

i'm settled in. Man this room is colder than Pittsburgh! at least in Pittsburgh we had decent heating. Forgive me if my typing gets gibberish after this, but I think my fingers will freeze at any moment now. It's causing my veins to hide away, making it impossible for the staff to insert and i/v line for me. After a few tries, we decided to do it tomorrow just before the antibiotic is given.

The room is not bad at all! There's a tv and vcd player, and the reception is quite good. I get channel 8 here, which means i'll get to watch Joey, Desperate Housewives, Malaysian Idol, etc. I'm just not too comfortable with the window, so people can look inside. Check out the picture!



Aight...i'm going to catch some sleep. Didn't sleep at all last night.

all set

pay house loan - check
pay credit cards - check
pay car loan - check
pack toiletries & clothes - check
pack quran & prayer book - check
get gprs to work - check
pack laptop - check
pack dvds - check
copy tv series - check

all set. wish i was packing for summer camp instead. or an overseas work trip, perhaps dubai or madrid. (although i don't know why my company would send me there..)

note to self: get a portable hard disk to copy stuff from home.

ps: ananda, dude, what about the 3G card man?

Unready Heroes

A lifetime of steady schooling: alphabet-rotes, number recital, history's dates, cake-baking, fuse-fixing, slow-dancing, how we are born and grow and age and die - didn't ready you for the naked facts of our Consent Form.

A lifetime of educated modesty: closing your bedroom door, covering your body, segregating girls from boys, separate facilities for men and women, learned euphemisms for your body's functions - didn't ready you for our free inspection of your daily portapotti.

A lifetime of careless risk-taking: climbing trees, jaywalking streets, diving rock-pools, floating to sea, driving fast cars, flying airplanes, rash rollercoaster thrill-seeking - didn't ready you for the chill reality of this life challenge.

A lifetime of practicing precaution: sheltering from harm, not overdoing it, running in the middle of the pack, getting by with the least amount of effort, okay grades without too much distinction - didn't ready you for our accolades of this your hero's role.

John Graham-Pole, MD, University of Florida, Professor of Pediatrics

T-day minus 11

Went to see the respiratory specialist today, to go over the lung function test result. After looking at the numbers, the doc told me that my lungs are in good condition. The restrictive disorder is expected since i had a lung infection, so there would be expected scarring in my lungs. The scars would heal over time. Anyway, the doc thinks that my lungs won't be a problem for transplant purposes.

After i was done with the lung people, i went for an ultrasound of my spleen and liver. Both look clear.

Great! Now my body is ready to be destroyed, and to be built again. I'm mentally prepared, and totally nervous.

lung function test part III

Finally. The lung function test took 3 minutes. I was prepared to be there for the whole morning. I saw some patients blowing into what looked like a bong, with smoke and all (which turned out to be vapor, not smoke). After entering my details into some sort of handheld machine, the medical assistant asked me to take a deep breath, and blow hard into the tube, several times. He told me to do it properly, and I tried my best to copy his instructions. He asked me, "Do you have asthma?" No, I said. The machine interpreted my test as "Restrictive disorder". Uh-oh. Went by the clinic to pick up an ultrasound reference letter, so asked the doctor about my lung function test results. He merely concluded that it was a bad effort on my side. He said he doesn't think that I did the test correctly. Anyway, he just told me to exercise a bit more these few days and not to worry about it. He also told me that he won't be around next week, and said that I'll be fine without him around. Yeah, ok doc.

My mother is most concerned about this. I have decided to just go for the transplant, and deal with it...despite worrying about infections and so forth. My mother having second thoughts is making me having third (or fourth) thoughts. Should I follow my heart? Which means I'm going against my mother's instincts. I have thought about the transplant, when i was having second thoughts, and decided to do it because if I don't, I will forever be worried if my leukemia will come back. Now, if i do the transplant, when I'm done with it, at least I'll have a peace of mind. I am aware that going through transplant is not easy, and that there is a small risk that the disease will come back, but at least I would have minimized the risk. I just want closure, so I can close this book and get on with my life. So, I'm off to the ward on Sunday. I start my radiation therapy on Tuesday, and the transplant will be on the 11th. I will try to keep this site updated, if i don't get too tired from the radiation, :-).

In the mean time, I will relax. In fact, I'm going to go for a spa treatment this afternoon (courtesy of Ida J) to help me relax.

I hope your prayers are with me, and wish me luck. Thanks!

I'll write you from the other side. Of freedom i mean, not the other side of life. Hehe.

lung function test part deux

again, no lung function test today. got wise and decided to call the institute before driving all the way there. the guy told me that i should not eat before the lung function, because if i do, i will vomit. so my mum and i turned around, and headed to Ikea instead. spent 3 hours there, then another hour looking at diamonds, and came home. internet still not on. lucky there's a starbucks nearby....always good for desperate times.

will go for lung function tomorrow.

T-day minus 13

Stuck at home with no internet because i forgot to pay the bill..Will go pay today. I'm going for lung function test in a few mins. Hope it turns out good, because i just came back from one of the best runs in my adult life!

Hero

i remember being made to sing this song at the top of my lungs at a pre-departure orientation about 9 years ago. of course, at the time i, all i could think of was how pointless this activity was. but i was listening to it again today, and i realized; it was about the "feel" (alah...like the AF juries always point out..'must have feel!!'). So today, since i can't sing it too loud, i'll hum it:

"There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you..."

100% feel!!

early morning ruckus

i was reading my Sue Townsend when i heard a motorbike screech and honk at 4.30 AM. As described in the about section of this blog, i am a lazy bugger, so i ignored the noise. After about 10 minutes, the doorbell rang. I opened the window, and two guys were outside the gate, excitedly telling me that they just saw a person climb out our gate with a bag and ran off on a motorbike. The boys said they chased after the burglar in their car, but the burglar managed to get away. We all went down to check what was taken. No break in. The cats are safe. The burglar only took some shoes. Luckily my green adidas were inside, so they didn't get stolen. phew..

since they started doing the Syabas pipe replacements, the burglary rate has gone up around this area. i think only last week the house behind mine was broken into. i'm not blaming Syabas here, i'm merely pointing out a positive correlation in the data. hmm must remember to store all my valuables in a safe place. speaking of which, has anybody seen my digital camera?

my 3G plea

dear tan sri ananda krishnan,

I'm about to have my stem cell transplant in two weeks time (for leukemia). For that, I would have to be in the hospital for around 5-6 weeks. You see, I'm used to having 24 hour internet and astro access(when weather permits) at home, so i'm not sure how i will manage in the hospital without those two. (Yes, i may sound like a brat, but one can barely live without internet and satellite/cable tv these days. And no, I don't think I would ever survive on the show Survivor.)

Let me get to the point. I would like to try out the maxis 3G service, but i find that the startup cost very expensive. I personally don't mind paying the RM120/month for unlimited access. By having 3G access, i would also be able to subscribe to some of astro's video streamings that are available. I hope you could be kind enough to provide me with a free 3G card, as I have been a loyal maxis and astro customer since 2001. I know it's not a very long time, but i intend to stay a customer in the future, since there are not that many services to choose from in this country to start with.

Thank you for your consideration. You can find my email on the left side of the screen.

Sincerely,
nadio.

tidaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkk!!!

4th AF concert: idayu was kicked out. nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! this is injustice! then again, i'm not a voter. so i will shut my mouth. or rather, stop typing about it.

wooohaaa!

I'm feeling much better now. After a lot of sleep, and hours in front of the telly, I finished Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time. It always feels good to finish something, eh? Other things to finish on my list:

• Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith
• Prince of Persia - The Warrior Within (if i could get it to load)
• Batman Returns
• My books
• My learn to speak Chinese CD
• My thesis (must start this after I get out of the hospital)

worries, worries

i've been sleeping my worries away. don't feel like shopping. can't think of anything to buy that would be useful for me for this next week. won't be needing much when in the hospital. just a tv, and at least my handphone to access the internet. Both of which i already have.

i feel a craving for fish & co fish and chips coming up. off i go! maybe i'll feel better when I'm at the mall.

lung function test

7AM: I lie in my bed, my eyes closed, but I'm not feeling sleepy anymore. I couldn't sleep until 5AM last night, and felt very agitated to be forced out of bed. I wondered what it would be like to just drive off to Genting for the weekend..so i can spend some time by myself, without people ordering me about. Then my thoughts moved on to something bad that happens while i'm alone in Genting. That would teach the people to stop ordering me about, I thought some more. As I wondered those useless thoughts, I drifted back to sleep.

i only woke up recently, so there was no lung function test. I'll go next monday. i really have to stop this sleeping pattern! I'll start by not sleeping tonight. I'll be so tired tomorrow night that I'll get zonked out early, and wake up early on Saturday. From then on, I hope that the timing will change.

j'ai faim. very hungry indeed. i guess it's straight on to dinner for today. adieu!

the blower's daughter - damien rice

i've been listening to this over and over again. it's so beautiful! not a clue what it means though...i mean..who the heck is the blower's daughter? a glass blower? leaf blower? who knows..

and so it is...
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is...
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her skies

can't take my eyes off of you...can't take my eyes off of you...

etc.

got lung function test tomorrow at IPR (Respiratory Medicine Institute). Hope my lungs are functioning well, and there are no unpleasant surprises.

and so it is...

aromatic flashbacks

you know how certain smells can trigger back memories? e.g. if i hear Backstreet Boy's I Want It That Way, it always reminds me of my brief stay in LA, summer of 1999.

Now that I only have a week more of outside life before I'm confined to the hospital room for the next 5 weeks, i'm starting to get reminders of what it's like to be in the hospital whenever I smell these:

• Lux Luxury Spa shower cream
• Dettol Antibacterial handwash
• Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo
• Pizza Hut

not looking forward to it. Wish I could skip the part where I have to stay in the hospital, and fast forward to being at home. Also confined, but still at home.

la mortalité, la mortalità, mortality

when i saw this, I was reminded of my own mortality.

On several occasions, I have thought about what would happen if I died. Well, I have also thought about it before I got diagnosed with leukemia, but it is a thought that comes more often to my mind these days. When I saw a paper cutting where Nik Aziz said "roh tidak diterima bumi jikalau berhutang" (your spirit will not be accepted by the earth if you are in debt), i thought about my housing and car loans. When I heard about my fellow AML friends who died not even a year after diagnosis, I thought about my own chances.

All of a sudden the words "pegi mampus-lah" (go die) carries a meaning. I often catch myself with that phrase at the tip of my tongue, about to say it to a rude driver or a rude whoever, and find myself holding back. When my little brother crankily said to me "nah, pakai la computer tu sampai mati" (here, you can use the computer until you die), it made me feel sad, although it is something we quite normally say to each other.

I think about whether I should make a will. Then again, I don't have that many things to worry about, financially. Some savings, a car and house loan and a credit card. That's about it. I think about whether I should appoint someone to take down this blog and all my other Internet accounts. I think about what would happen to my cats. Would Z miss me? Would my family miss me? Would the world miss me?

As I thought about my mortality, it occured to me that I worry more about what I will be leaving behind, when I should be more worried about being in God's good books. I hope this is God's way of giving me a wake up call, a second chance to become a better person. To become aware of my own mortality and what lies beyond.

3rd AF Concert

eek!! my youngest brother just called from his boarding school to find out who got kicked out of the academy this week. what a freakin' fanatic! keke

I don't consider myself a fanatic (hahahah), but i tried to access the live telecast over the Internet just now, and it was congested!! Only managed to see some video when the whole shabang was over. bargh...

no...i'm not going to do a sultanmuzaffar. hahah!! but anyway, here's what I thought.
amylea and idayu were entertaining, as usual. yazer rocked. amy sucked to the max tonight. aidil's show had nice effects. the rest, not very impressive. i still don't get what the big deal is with mawi & felix.

there was an awkward moment before idayu's performance, when aznil asked her what she thought of men who loves to boss people around. idayu showed her little finger and said "amboi amboi amboi....!" aiyoh! nak "amboi amboi amboi" pi la masuk Cit Cat Azwan Ali. maybe she got aznil nawawi and azwan ali mixed up in her nervousness. I'm sure Aznil gets it a lot. heh heh.

i'm curious, are the students allowed to smoke cigarettes at the academy?

burp..

Mum's birthday dinner at Sudu @ Hilton was great. Got so full eating all the prawns and dessert..I think I will gain that weight the doc told me to by transplant day.

Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time on PS2 is quite fun! Wonder if I should spend the next two hours playing...hmmmm....

check out Shazrul's Sporadic Snaps. it's new, but it's got some very nice pictures, and more to come soon. as long as he doesn't post pictures of himself, we should all be safe. bwahahaha!

running playlist

this is my current playlist that I use when i walk or run. It helps me keep the pace. The songs are measured by bpm (beats per minute), so I have arranged the playlist so that it starts slow (Around 70 bpm). The pace picks up as we go from one song to the next.

• Rob Thomas - Lonely No More
• NSync - Bye Bye Bye
• Siti Nurhaliza - Hati Kama
• Five & Queen - We Will Rock You
• B2K & P. Diddy - Bump, Bump, Bump
• Eric Benet - Love Don't Love Me
• Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
• Backstreet Boys - Shining Star
• Gareth Gates - Sunshine
• Jamelia - Superstar

I usually get tired at this point, but in case I get ambitious, the list continues...

• Usher - Caught Up
• Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up
• Ciara f. Missy Elliot - One Two Step
• Gareth Gates - Suspicious Minds
• Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One
• Azharina - Elegi Sepi
• Akademi Fantasia - Menuju Puncak
• Britney Spears - Do Something
• SM Salim & Siti Nurhaliza - Pandang-Pandang, Jeling-Jeling

after dental

Dang the dentist was cute! 1 1/2 hour wait and only 3 minutes of checkup! My teeth are all set for the stem cell transplant.

dental checkup wait

Am waiting for my dental checkup. Man it's difficult to find a parking spot around this hospital. Attempted to park at the staff parking and got shoo-ed away. I guess i didn't look like a staff, nor was i driving the right car. Many times i came in a mercedes, not once did the guard deny me a parking spot. Just not my luck today, maybe. The guard waited until i finally managed to fit my car into a supertight spot, and then told me that i'm not allowed to park there. Why didn't she tell me earlier! I told the sad story of having to go for checkup without my mum, but the guard didn't buy it. Oh well. Didn't look like a doctor, didn't have a Merc and didn't look sick enough.

Hope the dentist doesn't make me take my wisdom teeth out today.

the day I bought a skirt

i bought a skirt today. i am aware that there are people who actually read my blog, so I usually try to avoid mundane details in my entries. this, however, is different. now, people who know me will know that I'm not a skirt person. (ly-d, remember when I said that I would quit my job if they force me to wear a skirt? hahaha) But i was walking in the shops just now and when I saw this skirt, I just felt like I had to have it. I really don't know when I will wear this, but i just had to have it! And now it's mine! My precious....ha ha ha.

wakey wakey!

fell asleep while watching Diari AF at 8.30PM last night, and only woke up at 4pm today. Whoa...maybe I felt a bit depressed and confused, after yesterday. Still don't know what to do. The datin has shown me an option, an equal one, if not better than the transplant.

you people were right to tell me not to listen to that man (see two posts below). I won't. It has only affected me a teeny-weeny bit, not as much as when people tell me that I will get well! Only God can say what can or cannot be cured. Not the lines on our palms. Neither could an ass who goes around telling people just that. Come to think of it, I think that guy was sick too. He had a lump on his neck, I could see. But he wouldn't (or couldn't) tell me what it is. Z told me, maybe he has given up hope, and wants everybody else to be as unhappy as him.

Am going to the shops for a bit to exchange my copy of Revenge of the Sith PS2 game. Quite a nice game. I'm playing Madagascar now. Game kiut2 la...but quite an addictive adventure game.

ps: The Datin Diaries is back!

after meeting with radiographer

After the radiographer took my measurements, and explained to me about what will happen during the radiation therapy sessions, i signed the consent form. she explained to me about the short term effects, e.g. nausea, vomiting, tiredness, skin burns, immunosuppression, etc. she also mentioned that the long term side effect is that i may be sterilized (become infertile). I signed the consent form. As long as I'm not neutralized, I'll do it. :-)

however, as the day approaches, i'm feeling more scared. I'm feeling so well right now, i don't feel right about destroying everything and starting over. The Datin asked me to give her six months to try out her medicines. I cannot even begin to think about how I would start this discussion with my dad, even more so my doctor.

what the doctor said makes sense.

so did what the datin told me.

I'll have to think about this.

last (wo)man standing

Grim day so far. Waiting to see the radiographer at the Radiotherapy and Oncology Dept. It's giving me the creeps. Just sitting here makes me feel like the side effects of radiation are coming up already. My throat feels dry. Hurry up! I don't like it here!

I met a couple of my fellow leukemia patients at the clinic this morning. Was told that a friend, another AML patient, C, passed away last monday due to lung infection. He had a better prognosis compared to me, since he went into complete remission after the first chemo cycle. He was always a kind and fun person to talk to. My condolences to his family. I'm getting increasingly worried as i hear about more patients who did not make it. First Guna, then C. I've always fancied the three of us as a gang (a muhibbah one, to add), since we are all in the same age group. I often imagine that sometime in the future the three of us would sit together and talk about this episode in our lives. But now, I am the only one still standing. I guess all i can do is pray for a good outcome for myself and the other remaining patients.

As i was waiting to see the radiotherapist earlier, a guy sat next to me and asked me what i had. I told him i have leukemia. The man said to me, "your disease, there's no cure, i tell you." Can you believe this asshole? Surprised, i told him that i did go into remission after the last chemo, so hopefully things will go well. You know what he said? "I don't want to elaborate lah, if I tell you I'm sure you'll cry." And then he asked to see my palm, and he said, "so many lines.." I don't know what the heck he was trying to say. As I was about to tell him to fuck off, the doctor called my name, and saved me from the freak. That was a disturbing encounter.

Ah...finally my name is called. i'm going to see the radiographer to take my measurements now. Laters.

color test

As i was blog surfing, i found myself on this site.

Got a 0% the first round for not reading the instructions. Quite an idiot I am, yes?

After reading the instructions properly, I got a 75%. Then I got a 100%, after realizing that 4 seconds is actually quite a bit of time.

sultanmuzaffar

with a detailed commentary like this, i will never have to worry about not having Astro Ria in the hospital! It would be nice if it was a live commentary. Bwahaha!

happy weekend!!

Latest: Mawi 34%??? wtf???

Second concert was so-so. other than Amylea, the others were just average. Mawi was especially disappointing singing Hattan's song. My favorite last night was jury Adlin a.k.a the rude LRT man.

Went to check out Proton Savvy and Perodua MyVi during the weekend. My take, if you combine the Savvy exterior and MyVi interior, you'll get the perfect car for a good price.

Not much on the leukemia front. I'm meeting the radiologist on Tuesday to talk about the radiation therapy sessions. So we'll see how it goes. I'm quite nervous about this radiation thing. Mucositis (mouth sores) down to the throat region? Gulp...

I was out at dinner with a few friends just now, and was talking about how the Datin advised me to become vegetarian if I want to get better faster. I said I would rather die than become vegetarian. I take that back. If the doctor told me that I would die tomorrow if i didn't become vegetarian, I bet I would stop eating everything, other than veggies!

Got the PS2 fixed with a new mod chip. No more annoying loader discs. What games are good these days? I'm out of the loop. Haven't touched the PS2 in a year.

mabuk gambar

eee....gemok!!! dah la pemalas!! blurb...blurb....
image captured with Nokia 6600. Not so cun. Nokia 7650's camera was way better.

experimenting with Picasa2

quiz quiz quiz

found the link from mobilemom's site and did a few quizzes. yummm...Anakin Skywalker is so pretty!

of being brave

Many people have told me that I am a brave person. Thank you. Without those people feeding those words into me, it would probably have been harder for me to get to where I am today. However, if you really think about it, there's nothing brave about my situation. I'm probably not scared, but brave, I am not. Nobody volunteers to get a terminal illness, then go through the treatments. Brave is volunteering to fight for your country. Brave is giving birth to a baby. Brave is making a fool of yourself at a Malaysian Idol audition. Me, I'm just trying to save my life, in hope that I get to do brave things in the future.

Berita Terkini

Nadio's spleen    16%
Nadio's lungs     21%
Nadio's kidneys   21%
Nadio's pancreas  21%
Nadio's liver     21%

Adik-adik, makcik-makcik, pakcik-pakcik, abang-abang, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, saya ingin mengumumkan bahawa tiada organ yang akan dikeluarkan pada minggu ini. (cue: organs jumping around happily, hugging each other with tears of joy).

Hehe. Went to the doctor to review my CT scan today. Lungs, kidney, pancreas, liver all clear. There are still some lesions in the spleen, however it has reduced to more than half from the last CT Scan. So, the specialist said that there would be no need for a splenectomy! I get to keep my spleen! Woohoo! The scan report also said that there's a cyst in my right ovary (1.6x1.8cm). Spoke to my dad, and he told me not to worry about it. Ok, so I won't.

So I guess all is good. I'm scheduled to be admitted to the transplant ward on 2nd July. I will get a Hickman line inserted that day. After that, it will be 3 days of radiotherapy, then 2 days of chemo (not sure what the chemo protocol is called - will find out later). Then 1 day rest. The stem cell infusion will happen on 11th July. If all goes well, the doctor says I can be back at work after 3 months, which means October.

I asked the doctor, between relapsing after a transplant and before a transplant, which is worse. I just wanted to see if it's possible to keep the stem cell transplant as a last resort. He told me that it would be worse to relapse after a transplant, because it would show that the leukemia is really stubborn. He also added that a lot of patients who go into complete remission after the induction chemo usually do not go for stem cell transplant. But in his opinion, in my case, since I did not go into remission the first time around, he would say that I should have the transplant as soon as possible to avoid further complications. The datin advised me not to have a transplant and wait 6 more months to see if things continue to go well. It's tempting, but I think i will go with the doctor's advise.

So, from now to the transplant day, I will continue taking Voriconazole to clear off any residual infections.

Honestly, I've got to get myself more psyched up for this. After 3 months of being out of the hospital, I'm not feeling too keen for another long stay. Plus, how the heck am I supposed to follow AF3 from the Astro-less transplant ward?? Boo hoo! I think it's inhumane to not have Astro installed in hospital rooms. I believe that the quality of life will definitely increase with Astro (at least Ria) available. Hahaha!! Note: quality of life is not equal to cure rate, e.g. having satellite TV would not guarantee that I will be cured, but will definitely help me feel a lot less like a leukemia patient. But I did read somewhere that improving the quality of life increases the cure rate in cancer patients. I guess it does make sense somehow.

Ugh...and I've been eating too much chocolate. Can't bring myself to stop! As I'm typing this, I'm munching on Reese's Peanut Butter Pieces. Earlier today, I had Mark's & Spencer's Chocolate Cornflake Mini Bites, Cadbury Orange Pieces and Cadbury Trifle. I can feel my bum expanding now. Would probably wake up to a bum the size of North America. I'm counting on my transplant to lose all the weight I've gained.

Listen to me. I sound like I've got my priorities all haywire. OK, OK, I'll set it straight again. Number One: Survive leukemia & lose weight. Number Two: Survive AF3. Muahahaha!!

Afundi Terkini

Felix  17%
Mawi   16%
Ekin    7%
Amy     7%
Yazer   6%
Marsha  6%
Idayu   6%
Reza    5%
Fuad    5%
Elliza  5%
Aidil   5%
Kefli   5%
Amylea  5%
Akma    5%

Power siot Mawi!!! I don't understand how Felix got to be No. 1. I'd rather Idayu have the No. 1 spot. But I'm not going to argue much, since I'm not a voter. I would only vote if there was an AFUNDI OUT. (yup, I would start with Kefli, then Reza)

Other than demam AF, I went to see the datin's assistant just now, just to browse through my acupuncture points. She told me that my points are better than most healthy people who have come to check with her. Thank God...hope my CT scans come out well tomorrow.

Cat update: Mr Frodo has been trying to mount Cookie for the past couple of days. Gross! They're siblings! Thankfully Cookie didn't respond because she has been spayed and has no desires to mate. I wouldn't want to get unhealthy inbred kittens.

voodoos

i was cleaning up my old books today, and found pictures of old boyfriends (dating back to 1998) inside the books. as the world works, some I dumped, and some dumped me.

my mum's new maid recently asked me why I am not working. I explained to her my situation at the moment. After 10 minutes of quietly listening, she told me maybe I kena buat dengan orang - voodoo-ed by someone. I just laughed at her comment.

Later that day, I recalled a conversation with my mum a couple of days earlier. My mum was asking me about a couple of my ex-boyfriends. i told her I don't know what happened to them. Mum advised me to read a prayer that fends off bad spirits from me. I asked her, "What has it got to do with my ex-boyfriends?" She told me, we could never know, maybe someone doesn't want me to be happy and wants me to suffer. I said, "Yeah right, whatever."

I'm not being cocky. I believe in those things. I've heard it happen to other people. But I just could not think of a circumstance where any of my ex-boyfriends would want to voodoo me. A secret admirer, perhaps? Hahahahaha! Yea I wish!

Well, maybe we could add one more possible reason to what causes leukemia. It would sound like this:

What causes leukemia?
Most causes of leukemia are not known. However, the disease has been linked to exposure to large amounts of high-energy radiation (from nuclear bombs), occupational exposure to the chemical benzene, viral infections, chemicals from cigarettes, and voodoo from disgruntled parties.

kezutannnnnnn...!!!

The decision to bring Mawi and Masha back in was kind of expected. (I'm talking about AF3, btw) In fact, I think they've already made the decision, but asked all 8 to perform anyway to make it look fair. Oh well, I was rooting for Isa Kumar. He performed quite well, plus he had that underdog look about him. Heheh.

My prediction of the next kezutans:

1. The teachers decide to kick Kefli out of the academy for being annoying and "perasan kiut". Seriously, I can't stand him. Next on my list is Reza.
2. M. Nasir quits his position as the Principal after a huge fight with one of the students (preferably Kefli or Reza), and Astro decides to bring Ramli MS back in. No offense, I love M Nasir, but he's just been a very uninteresting principal so far.
3. Linda Jasmine and Fathee comes out with a "Learn the Menuju Puncak Dance" VCD (Seasons 1, 2, 3) to make more money for Astro. I would buy this. It looks like good exercise.

And I need to git a life!

Have a wonderful Sunday, btw.

p/s: the color scheme of this blog does not have anything to do with the AF color scheme, in case anyone is about to accuse me of being a fanatic. bwahaha!

Grey's Anatomy

I've been watching Grey's Anatomy these past few days. It's about the life of a bunch of surgical interns in Seattle, told from the point of view of intern Meredith Grey. It's quite exciting to watch since I now could understand a bit of what goes on in the episodes. Makes me wish that I was a doctor, watching those hot looking doctors building their careers. Unfortunately, it's not quite the reality, is it? Not that I'm saying that doctors are ugly, hahaha. Jangan marah docs!

:-)

note to Mobilemom

mobilemom, sorry i haven't been able to keep myself up-to-date on your developments. my grandma sleeps in the room where my computer is, so i can't stay up in the room too late. instead i watch old star wars dvds and Diari AF3 on TV. So, i'll read up your latest as soon as i can. take care girl!

latest updates

went for a CT Scan yesterday. as always, i hate the part where they inject the dye...bloody painful! it took two tries for them to insert the i/v line on my hands. I don't know what's wrong with my veins!! in the absence of a doctor, i could see the lines on my hands. not only could i see it, but i could feel it! but as soon as a doctor comes along to fix the i/v line, the veins shy away, not to be seen or felt. it usually takes at least two or three tries to get blood or insert a line. naughty veins! other than the pains, the CT scan went well. I'm meeting the doctor next week to get the report. The next step will depend on the how the spleen infection has improved. If it has improved significantly, then we will wait a couple more weeks. If it only improved a little bit, then I will have to make a decision on whether to take out the spleen or continue treatment. We'll see. The nurses at the clinic have already prepared for my pre-transplant procedures, e.g. lung function test, dental checkup, etc.

i'm feeling great otherwise. i'm still on germanium, pau d'arco, selenium from the herbal datin. pau d'arco is excellent for the production red blood cells. combined with Sangobion, my Hemoglobin and red blood count readings have not gone below the minimum since I took them.

people i've met also told me that I'm looking well. :-) I take pride in looking healthy, no matter what goes on inside my bone marrow. i guess there are some perks in being ill, e.g. losing weight, getting rosy cheeks, softer new hair - how vain am I? hahaha. although given the choice, i'd rather be a fat-ass with dull skin than have leukemia.

cookie update: cookie is also up and running now, i'm guessing the pain from getting her head stuck at the electric gate has gone away. her skin has also improved for now (from the injection), but the doctor has warned us that it is only temporary, and it is the only thing he could do to keep her comfortable for the time being.

poor Cookie part 2

as if the skin cancer wasn't bad enough for her, i accidentally got her head stuck at the electric gate. she was just trying to follow me out. her nose and mouth bled, and she's now still recovering from the pain and shock.

:-((

poor Cookie...

brought Cookie to the vet again today. The head vet confirmed that it is skin cancer. He said there's nothing much he could do. The cancer will spread to her spleen soon, and he said she would live for another 6-9 months. In the meantime, i'll just have to keep her as comfortable as possible.

when in KLCC...

...do as shoppers do.

couldn't resist the green adidas shoes that were going for 40% discount. Wanted to buy them last year, but at the time i thought they were a bit too funky for 200 bucks. since they're now in the sale bin, i decided to just grab 'em. i tried on some very comfortable 3.5" U.R.S. heels, luckily they were out of sizes and I couldn't figure out where I would wear them, since I'm not working. hope they will be on sale when it's time to go back to work.

went to the office to collect some claim cheques. while greeting some colleagues there, I had a sudden yearning to be back to work. until i got stuck in the traffic jam on the way home. yergh, i guess i'll make sure i'm properly recovered. :-)

dumb cat

bargh...alf got stuck on the roof again. she's making so much noise because she can't come down. i've been standing on the roof for 1/2 hour coaxing her, to no avail. i don't know what to do with this cat..!! when she was 1.5 month old, she fell from three stories high and passed out for about 10 minutes. ever since, she's got this obsession with high grounds...what a pain in the bum!

woke up very early today, went jogging (more like power walk. i hate running). lots of elderly people in the morning. a bunch of aunties practicing some barn dance. a couple of boys skateboarding. the air wasn't so fresh since the lake stinks. noticed that 95% percent of the park visitors wore Power shoes. gained back what little calorie i burned with a nice piece of roti sardine. nevermind, i told myself. the purpose of the exercise was to strengthen my lungs, not to burn calories. heheh.

"saya akan cuba yang terbaik"

i think, if i hear one more person say "saya akan cuba yang terbaik", i will puke the chemo out of me. and this is only the start of the AF3 season. can't they find something else to say?

ok lah, saya akan cuba yang terbaik untuk tidak muntah setiap kali saya mendengar sesiapa menyebut ayat "saya akan cuba yang terbaik".

babai!

it was a short day

it was a short day. woke up at 4.25PM, as a result of sleeping at 6.35AM reading a book. saw a movie called Deux Freres (Two Brothers). It's a touching film about two tiger cubs who were separated from each other when they were young after their parents were shot by hunters. Kumal, the fierce brother, was sent to a circus, while Sangha, the shy cub, was brought up in the Maharaja's palace. They were brought back together a year later, forced to fight each other on a fighting ring. So strong was their brotherhood bond that halfway through the fight they recognized each other and decided to thrash the village instead. They later ran off into the jungle where they were reunited with their mother. Another tear jerker starring Guy Pearce and two tiger cubs. :-)

Konsert Prelude Akademi Fantasia 3 turned out somewhat resembling Bintang RTM. Am quite satisfied with the judges' choices, although given the opportunity I would choose perhaps only 3 out of the twenty. Where did all the talents go? Malaysian Idol?

My cat Cookie's skin has gotten better around the ears, but there seems to be no improvement on her back. I have to take her to the vet again next week. Since it was determined that there was no fungus, the vet said she suspects it is skin cancer, although she couldn't see any cancer cells under the microscope. I can't bear to give her away to SPCA in case they put her to sleep given her condition. Since the vet said she couldn't see anything infectious (for me), I guess we'll just keep her. It makes me sad watching her in the small cage, crying for us to let her out and play. But the vet told us not to let her touch ground for a couple of weeks, so I guess letting her out will be against the vet's orders. I long to touch her and hug her like old times, but that would be against my doctor's orders. So I just watch her from outside her cage, and tell her that we will both be OK someday.


Cookie keeping me company in the good old days.

aahhhhhh...

fuh. went to do a bit of shopping today. i'm like a smoker who desperately needed her nicotine fix. instead of the urge to light up, i have the urge to charge my credit card to something everyday. i fought hard today, and couldn't contain it much longer. at 4PM, i decided that I had to go out, or I would just faint of boredom.

Went to Ikano and here are the things I bought:

1. Quilt cover
2. Storage Box
3. Mouse pad
4. Cat food
5. Chocolates
6. T-shirts
7. Dilbert book

I feel much better now.

And here's a picture of my new Ah-beng mouse, since my 7-year old Microsoft mouse died on me recently. (OK, it didn't really die, it just needs a thorough cleaning. I just needed an excuse to get an optical mouse. Will keep the faithful Microsoft mouse for when I get back to work.)

Oh. I heard Star Wars 3 came out yesterday. Is it any good?

i'm.so.bored.

things i could do to wipe the boredom, but too lazy to start:

1. my thesis
2. learn how to program a palm application
3. read

what i really want to do is to get out of this house, go to a mall and window shop. but i'm getting tired of having to ask permission everytime.

blargh.

bone marrow aspiration results

the doctor said, my bone marrow looks good, with less than 5% blast cells. for the first time ever, i am considered IN REMISSION. got a nudge from my mum when i blurted out "Yayyy!!" instead of Alhamdulillah. Well, i did say Alhamdulillah in my heart. I just thought "yay" was more appropriate for the doctor, who probably wouldn't know what Alhamdulillah means. So the plan now is to continue taking Voriconazole (this is an awesome antifungal drug, btw) for the next two weeks and have a CT Scan to see what my spleen is up to. The doctor said that he'd prefer for me to have the bone marrow transplant by the end of June, the latest.

Smiles and yays aside, condolences to the family of my fellow AML patient, Guna, who recently died from lung infection. He was always a happy and cheerful dude, and he looked like the type who would survive something like this. I just wished that I had known him better.

say cheese!!! a group pose of my medicines

lovely bunch, aren't they?

the chronicles of september 2004 - part III

part I, part II

Monday came and the consultant said that she wasn't able to schedule a bone marrow aspiration over the weekend. Didn't the blood test say 'urgent'?? Well, anyway, it was scheduled for Tuesday, so I waited another day at the hospital. At that point I was feeling much better, and believed that nothing was wrong with me.

I had my very first bone marrow aspiration that Tuesday morning. It wasn't very pleasant. In fact, it wasn't very pleasant that I cried. I was already given 7.5mg of domicum to sedate me and they wouldn't (couldn't) give me anymore. I felt the needle going through my bone (yikes!) and a couple of seconds later, heard the medical officer say "i couldn't get her bone marrow, we'll have to try again." At that point I started crying. The MO told the nurse to get the consultant. The consultant came a few minutes later, told me to be brave, and took my bone marrow sample. With ease. I learned my lesson that day. After that, everytime I need to have a bone marrow aspiration, I will specifically ask for the consultants to do it. It's called pain management, and it works. :-)

Wednesday, 9th September - I anxiously waited for the doctor to see me. Around 10am, she came to my bed, and said to me, "I'm afraid it's not good news, your bone marrow test shows that you have acute myeloid leukemia."

(gulp) "OK."

"Is there anything you'd like to ask?"

"Yeah, uhm, how bad is it? Is there like a stage?"

"No, there are no stages for AML, there are types, and you've been diagnosed with AML type M2."

(Is that a good thing or bad?) "Right. Uhm, so what happens now?"

"I'd like to start you on chemo right away, but you'll have to come in for counselling first tomorrow. I'll see you at 2pm tomorrow, ok?"

"Sounds good. Err...would it be possible for me to go home today?"

"Yes, sure. Come and see me at the clinic tomorrow then."

"Thanks."

And so it starts. Chemotherapy (which wasn't too bad), the countless blood and platelet transfusions, the fevers, infections. The attempts to looking strong and being strong. The learning experience - how the health system works, how blood is produced, how the IV drip works, and countless more.

I remember a phone conversation I had with Z that day. He kept asking me if i was ok. I told him, "bee, if you and everybody else would just stop asking me that, I will be."

and I always am OK, if not perfectly so.

Owen relaxing in the Sunday sun.

probably wondering if he's going to eat soon


stretching away


the portrait of an orange cat


the green green grass of home

twist of fate

i have been walking around without my identification card for the past 6 months.  mum misplaced it during the hassle of registering me into the hospital.  searched all over the house and couldn't find it.  i finally thought, "what the heck, i'll just go get a new one".  so I went to JPN yesterday and paid 40 bucks for a replacement card.

 

and guess what? mum found it this morning, in one of our drawers.  eeriee, isn't it?

test from phone

I am such a geek with nothing better to do on a Sunday afternoon.

tuesday @ the hospital

arrived at the hospital early morning to find out that i wasn't booked for the bone marrow aspiration. luckily the sister at ward 21 sorted things out for me and said I could have it done at Ward 19. she also said i could rest one of the rooms in her ward after i'm done. Thank God for that, I was quite nervous of being in an open ward.

anyway, nothing much happened. was anxious throughout the 3 hour wait. for some reason the doctor's ward round took longer that day. I was called into the treatment room at around 11.30AM. Doc asked me some regular questions, e.g. if i am eating well, if i lost anymore weight (i wish!), if i had any fevers, etc. I just told him that I'm feeling excellent in general.

the last thing i remember was asking the doc if 5mg of domicum is enough to put me out, and he said yes.

when i woke up, it was 1 o'clock.

** saw Guess Who today. Damn, i think i have a crush on Ashton Kutcher. He's such a pretty boy.

Konsert Prelude Akademi Fantasia 3

Astro Ria, Saturday 21-May-2005, 8.30 PM. Hehehe...can't wait. Let's see how i've evolved into an AF maniac:

2003 - Not cool to watch. My favourite phrase was: Euwwww! Akademi Fantasia? Who watches that stuff?

2004 - Weekly concerts a must watch on TV. Favorite phrase: Can you believe Mas is still in there??

2005 - tak sabarnye....!!!

I have never voted though. Should i?

+++++

BTW, ultrasound went well. Last time i had an ultrasound, the spleen absess was quite obvious. Now the doctor couldn't even make it out. He said it's probably about 1.8cm in diameter now. But will still have to do a CT Scan to confirm. Anyway, one thing at a time, let's focus on the bone marrow aspiration first tomorrow. Hope today's streak of good news will follow through. :-)

afternoon update

just came back from seeing the datin. all my measurements seem to have improved. especially my liver and spleen. checking for cancers, it seems that the organic germanium that I have been taking is having less effect on the leukemia, which in this case is a good sign. i'm too lazy to explain right now how the machine works. maybe one day i'll write a whole entry about it. (do i still owe this blog a part III of a certain chronicle?) .. huh, too much to do, too little time. (jangan marah ye office-mates kekekeke)

anyway, i'm having a spleen ultrasound this afternoon. so we'll see if this morning's readings tally with what we see in my spleen later. i hope the absesses are gone, but i must admit that i am feeling a tinge of pain in my spleen from all this anxiety.

relax....relax.....just relax....

ps: oh ya...do listen to the debut album of Shanon Shah - Dilanda Cinta. He's good. He's different. It's refreshing.

Nifty Palm Applications!

I was scouring the net for free palm software last night and came across these

Epocrates: Drug index. Contains information almost all drugs, complete with drug interactions, adverse reaction, etc. Of course, you will have to get this information updated regularly to get the latest drug index.

ProfileMD: An application that keeps records of your health information, e.g. allergies, medications, clinical visits, shots, family history, symptom logs, etc. Quite nifty! Unfortunately only available for Palm OS.

Autobuddy: Don't have the link. Search for it at www.palmgear.com. Keeps track of your car services and repairs, etc.

i downloaded a few hundred other applications, but so far i'm quite excited about these three.

btw, did anyone go to the Times Warehouse Sale in PJ last weekend? It was pretty awesome. Thank goodness the place wasn't too crowded when i arrived . I bought Dan Brown's Angels & Demons, Illustrated Edition out of greed and the uncontrollable urge to spend.

was also flipping through "Man are from Mars, Women are from Venus" over the weekend. Quite a good book, i must say. Certain things I've always wondered about men, i understood from reading that book. For example, when my boyfriend always tries to offer me solutions when all i wanted was to pour out my problems - it's because men in general feel more satisfied when they get to solve a problem, rather than talk about it (like women). Anyway, cool book and all. My only question though, is, before the Martians and Venusians got together on earth, how did they reproduce in their planets?

Got my appointment with the datin in a couple of hours. Hope the follow up test with her machine will be good. Tomorrow bone marrow aspiration (will do it under sedation) to see if the level of blast cells in my bone marrow. Aiming for less than 5%. Amin, amin, ya rabbil 'aalamin.

i think i'm becoming a shopaholic

help!!! i'm shopping too much. damn the empty malls during the weekdays!

anyway, next wednesday i'm due for a bone marrow test. wish me luck!!

over n out!

CELEBRATE LIFE

oh by the way, i was at Starbucks today and found that they are selling the CELEBRATELIFE yellow bands for the Malaysian National Cancer Society. I thought the design is a tad unoriginal, copying the LIVESTRONG design. But the proceeds go the the National Cancer Society, so nevermind-lah. The bands are selling for RM5 a piece.

wireless mania

darn it! these thing will never work properly will they? i have yet to figure out how to browse the network from my palm, and how to Hotsync it via bluetooth.

(would've probably solved the Hotsync issue if i had walked my ass 10 steps to the next room and grabbed the Hotsync cable.)

will try again tomorrow.

yesss...!!!

i got the palm browsing thing to work, with a software called Softick PPP. l had problems before because i couldn't figure out how to get it to work thru a wireless LAN. softick solved the issue.

ok, whatever. now what?

note to self - buy new screen protector

test

helloooo....!!!

bluetooth

i just purchased a bluetooth dongle so i can get my phone, pda and computer in my little personal network. there is absolutely no need for me to get the dongle, actually. i just wanted to make certain things on my phone and pda work. for example, i haven't been able to browse the net via my pda since i bought it last year. not that i really have to, since i have a 20" computer monitor in front of me, but it would be nice to get things to work for once. hehe..it will be a little project for me - to get all these gadgets to work together.

today has been one of the most productive days for me. yay me!!

sleep tips

does anyone have any tips on how to fall asleep easily?

i cannot go on like this.

although i get enough hours of sleep (by waking up late), it is not the most optimal way for my cells to regenerate.

so if you have any tips/tricks, let me know.

i guess Tip #1 is Do not sit in front of the computer for too long.

he he he.

the 'joys' of not working

yesterday i had lunch with some colleagues. had a nice chat about what's going on in the office. after about 2 hours, it was time for them to go back to work. i had nothing to do but roam the mall, while waiting for my mother to fetch me. before i knew it, i had a few bags full of stuff, i.e. books, clothes, etc.

after an hour plus of walking around the mall, i decided that i should go sit somewhere before i start spending all my money. but where? it was 4.50PM, so i started harassing my colleagues upstairs to see if they would come down and hang out with me. unfortunately it is not the culture of the company to leave work at 5PM sharp.

so i ended up at a cafe, by myself, wishing that I was upstairs working and complaining about how swamped i am at work.

soon, the wish will come true. soon.

finally...a good morning to all of you!

i'm up!

if ever i'm up this early, it's only because i never slept.

ciao!

Quill

Just finished watching the movie Quill. It's a touching japanese movie about a dog, Quill, who leads a life as a guide dog. It's an excellent movie for anyone who loves pets and animals. It will make you cry. At least I did! Well, I don't know, I'm such a sucker for animal stories - my eyes get watery even when I watch the many shows on Animal Planet! (e.g. Growing up Wild, Miami Animal Police, The Animal Precinct, Monkey Business, etc.)

tata!

thursday ramblings

again, i woke up late today. drove my mum to the dentist in kota damansara to get her tooth extracted. hung around the shop lots while waiting. was tempted to go to mcDonald's for some french fries, but decided against it since i already had some last night.

while we were passing the damansara NKVE toll booths, i was reminded of the day my car overheated and died in the massive saturday afternoon jam to pass the toll. it was so embarassing! imagine a brightly colored sports car stranded in the middle of the road. i was alone, so i couldn't push the car to the side. after a while, a man in a jeep drove up next to me and asked what was going on. i told him my car died, and he drove away. 10 minutes later, to my surprise, i saw the man walking towards my car. thank god, the kind man helped pushed my car to the side of the road, and accompanied me while i called for some help. i will never be able to recognize his face in the crowd now, but i will always remember his name, Mr Jamal.

American Idol - who would've thought, huh? Constantine was dropped! I'm glad Scott Savol is still in the competition though. He's cool. The reason i'm a Savol supporter is because i think he looks exactly like a good friend of mine at work. You know who you are, man! Don't worry, you're much skinnier than Savol. Kakakakakaka!!

nadio out.

yawnn

never. ever. force me to wake up in the morning if i don't want to.

capisce?

meow meow

as i stepped out of my car today, i heard the familiar sound.

"meowww....meowww..." or it rather sounds like a high pitched "nguwekkk...nguwekkk"

"oh hello mr frodo!!! lapar ke? jom kita makan"

"nguwekkk..." he ate a few bites of his Iams and started closely following me around the lawn, preventing me from going inside my house. he's not allowed inside the house because of my condition.

frustrated, i stood in front of my door. he started rubbing his skinny body on my jeans.

"golek (roll) frodo...golek boy"

he slammed his body on the floor and started rolling around my feet.

that's about the only command that Mr Frodo responds to.

+++++++

btw, yesterday I went to speak to my hematologist/bone marrow transplant specialist. He asked me why i wanted to postpone my splenectomy. I had a million reasons in my head, but in the end all i said was, "When you decided to have my spleen removed, I was caught unprepared. All this while I've been concentrating on my lungs, and I never thought about my spleen. I just want to give it a second chance, and have another CT scan in a few weeks time. By then if the lesions are still there, we can remove the spleen, and my conscience would be clear." I was prepared for the doctor to argue, but all he said was "OK." Yess! He said he would continue me with antifungals and arrange for a CT scan in 3-4 weeks time. He also said that in 2 weeks time, I should do a bone marrow test to see the blast level in my bone marrow. We spoke a bit more, made some notes and I left the clinic that day happier than I was a few days before.

bye for now.

ps: in the midst of composing "the chronicles of september 2004 - part III". it's really just for my benefit, since i never really properly recorded what happened, and i don't intend to forget.

bad hair day(s)

sometimes i wake up and my hair punks out on me.

master roofclimbers

cookie and alf on the roof.

the chronicles of september 2004 - part II

Dad entered the clinic and went into the doctor's office. He was in there for several minutes, while i waited outside. When he came out, he told me that the specialist in SJMC was not available, as was the doctor in Damansara Specialist. After making a few calls, we were on our way to the General Hospital. The specialist there said she would wait for me.

It was a quiet ride to the hospital. Neither dad or me spoke much. I remember asking my dad, "How could this happen?" He said, "Exposure to chemicals, lifestyle, who knows?" When we arrived at the hospital, we went straight to the Hematology clinic. There was a sister who greeted us, and sat there holding my hand while we wait for the doctor. She hugged me once, and i remember being uncomfortable, though i felt greatly consoled. Other than with Z, i am rarely the touchy feely kind of person. I would later find that I would have to get used to it, when the streams of visitors came and gave me hugs and kisses.

after a few minutes of waiting, the consultant finally came out to see me. I could see that she already had my blood test report and referral with her. She said I would have to get admitted immediately for blood transfusion. My mom arrived and brought me up to the ward while my dad sorted out admission issues. I was given a double room. Next to me was an old lady who was sleeping. (I found out later that she was actually much younger than my dad!) A nurse came to ask me if i knew my blood type. I told her I didn't, and she took some blood to get it tested. I think she was going to take it anyway, because the lab has to do cross matching before they can give the blood to me.

a medical officer came later to ask me a few questions, e.g. if i had any fevers (no), when did i start feeling tired (since a month ago), if i had any bruises (yes), and few million questions more. then she listened to my lungs, checked my eyes, throat, and felt my abdomen. After that another nurse came to insert an IV needle in my vein. My very first one, ouch!

the cross matching results took a while to come back. I didn't get my first pint of blood transfused until around midnight. I developed a fever in the middle of the night, probably a reaction to the blood transfusion. A couple of paracetamols got rid of the fever.

24 hours later, i completed the blood transfusion - 4 pints altogether. I got up and tried to jump up and down to see if I get tired easily. Nope. My blurry vision became clear. I was feeling much better.

the next day the consultant came to check on me. She said she would try to organize a bone marrow aspiration for me on Monday. She told me that the pain would be similar to getting my tooth pulled. I said OK, though i have no idea how it feels to have a tooth pulled. All my teeth came off at home. At this point, i just wanted to get over with the bone marrow aspiration so I can hear the doctor tell me that I don't have leukemia and I can go back to my normal life.

Every single experience was a new one to me, and i was quite the snobby patient back then. Complaining about how the room did not have a TV, complaining about the food, the condition of the hospital, the nurses and a whole list of other things. One night, at the nurses' station, while a nurse was trying to insert a new IV needle on my hand, she introduced me to two patients who have been there for quite a while. She smiled and told me, "These will be your new friends soon. You'll be staying here for a long time, dear." I looked at her and didn't smile back. I said, "I don't intend to stay here for a long time." Boy, how wrong I was.

to be continued...

the chronicles of september 2004 - part I

Friday, 3rd September 2004. it was the third day i took sick leave from work that week. it was also my third visit to the panel clinic in the same week. i had my blood sample taken the day before, and that Friday went back to the clinic to find out why i was so pale. the doctor i saw a few days earlier told me that he would start me on folic acid and iron pills once the blood test results came back. never once did it occur to me that I had leukemia.

since it was a Friday and there was Friday prayers, it was almost impossible for me to get a cab from my house to the clinic. i called Z maybe a hundred times but he never answered (turned out he had a fever that day). i would have driven there, but my car wouldn't start. after calling a few more cab companies, i finally got one who was willing to take me to the clinic. even so, the driver dropped me off about two blocks away, despite me telling him that i wasn't feeling very well. so i forced myself to walk the two blocks, which was about 300 meters, while silently cursing the cab driver. after 15 minutes of walking and managing not to cry, i arrived at the clinic, feeling as if i could faint at any minute. the 300 meters felt like 300 kilometers. it was the most tiring walk of my life. i took a breather for a couple of minutes and informed the receptionist that i was there for a follow up with the doctor.

after a few minutes in the waiting area, a nurse called me in. it was a different doctor, not the one who ordered the blood test. i think the clinic has a rotation system or something. i sat down, and said to him, "so, how did the blood test come out?" He looked at me, placed my blood test results in front of me, and pointed to the section marked "Impression". It said "Suspected acute leukemia. Urgent bone marrow aspiration needed." If i wasn't already as pale as i was, i could probably have felt the blood rush at that moment. My first thought was, isn't leukemia a type of cancer? Me, cancer? After a few seconds, the doctor looked at me again and said "Do you know what it means?" I hesitated and nodded my head. The doctor instructed me to lie down so he could feel my spleen, liver, kidneys etc to see if there are any enlargements. When he finished, he told me that it seems that my organs are in normal condition and told me that i could sit down. I sat down and asked him, "Where could I get a bone marrow aspiration done?" He told me that he would refer me to a specialist in SJMC and that I would have to go there immediately. I said OK, and asked if he could kindly tell the nurse to call a cab for me because I didn't have a car. He gave me a weird look, but agreed to my request and asked me to wait in the waiting area. At the time i thought he was thinking that it wasn't his job to organize the logistics. But looking back, the doctor was probably thinking that i shouldn't be driving at such a low haemoglobin level. i was in dire need of blood transfusion, but of course, i didn't know that back then. I was only vaguely aware of what haemoglobins are (i wasn't very good at Biology in high school). The fact that I could still walk at the time remains a mystery.

as soon as i was out of the doctor's office, i walked straight out the clinic door, found a trash can and threw my newly bought pack of Malboros away. Until now I don't know why I did that. Scared, maybe. As if it would erase what just happened in the previous few minutes. After that i called my mum, who was very shocked to hear the news. Next I called my dad, who asked to speak to the doctor, and then told me that he would come fetch me at the clinic. As I waited, i constantly reminded myself that nothing is confirmed yet, and the blood test result only said "suspected".

40 minutes later my dad arrived at the clinic.

to be continued...

sono confuso

i'm trying to postpone my splenectomy for a couple more weeks. not too keen on losing it. as a result, in the past 3 days i've met with people who practice alternative medicine. one practices homeopathy, and the other uses herbs (mainly germanium for cancer patients) and acupuncture points.

and now i'm confused. hehe. everybody claims that their method works the best. the testimonials i heard were quite convincing. in the end i decided to try both. after all, if they have worked for quite a number of people, it could work for me, yeah? i guess i just want to be open to options, and not regret later thinking that i should have tried it out. however, i'll give it 2-3 weeks, and go for another CT scan. if there is no improvement, then i believe my spleen will have to go. gosh, i'm thinking so much about this dilemma, maybe i should draw up a decision tree so i can see the problem more clearly. i did, after all, study information and decision systems back in college. haha.

in the mean time, i pray that i stay in remission while i buy some time to clear up my spleen infection.

...and also for my doctor friends to not think that i have gone mad by doing this.

Amen.

and Owen

a nice pic of mr frodo

too bad he had to be inside the cage.

splenectomy update

dad called some doctors in Singapore yesterday to get a second opinion on the splenectomy. It seems that the doctors there also think that it would be a good idea to remove it. The good news is that the hospital just called me today to tell me that the operation has been postponed from this Friday to next Wednesday. Hope something good will come out of this postponement, i.e. the spleen lesions gone or significantly reduced.

need...to...sleep...

haven't slept. Been kept awake by Kane & Abel - J. Archer. Curse that book for depriving me of my sleep! Am going to go read some more now. Don't think i will stop until i've finished.

spleen

many have asked me what a spleen is. i checked dictionary.com and found this definition:

spleen
n.
A large, highly vascular lymphoid organ, lying in the human
body to the left of the stomach below the diaphragm, serving to store blood,
disintegrate old blood cells, filter foreign substances from the blood, and
produce lymphocytes.

"same to me"

i was listening to Awie's songs today when i came across the starting dialogues of Di Ambang Wati. Maybe some of you have heard it before.

Awie: How are you? Are you ok?
Wati: Yeah, I'm ok.
Awie: Kau masih marahkan aku Wati? Wati, cool down...perkara kecil tak baik dipanjang-panjangkan...maafkan aku kalau aku telah menyinggung perasaan kau tempoh hari..please?
Wati: Same to me.
Awie: I miss you...
Wati: I miss you too.

(Song starts)

Same to me? SAME TO ME???

i don't know whether i should laugh or cry.

immunizations completed

had all my immunization shots done today:
- pneumonia
- influenza
- meningitis

i'm all set for the splenectomy. still hanging on to the hope to have it cancelled in case by some divine intervention the lesions are gone by next week.

splenectomy - go ahead

it's a go with the splenectomy. i'm scheduled for next friday. will have to check into the hospital mid next week. tomorrow i'll have to go to the clinic to get my immunization shots in preparation for the splenectomy.

feeling a bit sad that i'll be losing my spleen. but i'm thankful that at least i still have all my other organs intact. i still have my hands to type, my legs to drive and walk, my eyes to see, my lungs to breath...well you get the point.

a spleenless me

had my CT scan last monday, and went to see my specialist today. My blood count remains normal (Total white 6.3, Hb 12.2, Platelets 329,000). The scan showed that the lesions in my lungs have resolved, alhamdulillah. However, the lesions in the spleen have not improved since the last CT scan. The doc is thinking about having my spleen removed, so we can proceed with the transplant. She said that the spleen will not be functioning for about 2 years after the transplant anyway, so i might as well get it removed. This is to avoid the spleen from being a cause of infection during my transplant.

i don't know what to make of it. I have heard that quite a few people have had their spleen removed, and that you don't really need a spleen. But, there must be a reason why Allah put the spleen in our bodies, right? I asked the doctor if there is any other medication she could give me to improve the condition of my spleen (so I won't have to remove it), but she told me that i've been on voriconazole (antifungal) for quite some time, and if the medication hasn't reached the lesions in the spleen by now, it won't reach them at all. so i guess if i have to get it removed, i will. i'd rather not postpone the stem cell transplant any longer, in case my leukemia relapses.

she said it's a simple procedure, since my spleen is quite small in size, i won't have to have a major operation to take it out. I hope she's right. As of now the decision to have a splenectomy isn't final yet. We'll hear from the clinic when the other specialist comes back from his break sometime next week.

Some info on splenectomy.

adios!

Sepet

Just finished watching Sepet. It's got its lovey dovey and funny bits here and there, but on the whole, the film is just to artsy fartsy for me.

The movie truly depicted the Malaysian society. but maybe I was expecting something more typically Malaysian, e.g. "Kuliah Cinta", "Hingga Hujung Nyawa" and the likes of them that have been flooding the local film industry lately.

Whoever has seen Sepet, my question is: Who was on the phone at the end of the film?

saturday-rama

buggeration. i'm now a couple of thousand dollars poorer from fixing my car.

my brother found Mr Frodo under the car. We haven't seen him for almost a month. He's now so skinny. Nevermind. We'll nurse him back into the fat cat that he was.

must sleep....

i've been Zoo Tycoon-ing my night away. Must remember to put a clock in this room, so i can keep track of the time. my back still aches. i find it difficult to sleep nowadays. so, yesterday, while waiting for my mum at the immigration office in shah alam, i bought a book titled Activity Based Costing - Making it Work. I believe that should take me to dreamland in no time.

Team GGK: kalau nak pinjam buku tu, let me know. ahahahahaha.

a tired me

i've been feeling tired these past few days. my blood count, liver function and renal profile from saturday came back normal, except for a slightly low haemoglobin count (9.6), and my red blood cells showing a tendency to macrocytosis (enlarged in size). I'm taking as much oxygen water as i possibly can to increase my energy level, but most of the time i just feel like sitting or lying down.

spent most of my day yesterday playing Mall Tycoon 2, but kept going bankrupt from being overambitious.

ok lah...i better go get some rest.

numa numa yay

numa numa yay..
numa numa numa yay..

Najah!!!! This is all your fault! I can't stop humming the friggin tune now!

backache!

woke up at 5.21AM to find my back is hurting again. and i'm out of strong painkillers. boohoo!! i really need to find out what's causing the pain in my back.

went to check my blog, and found Najah's comment on NumaNuma. Wahahhahaha! that video is really funny. watched it about 10 times before starting to write this entry.

oh, I got to meet Mobilemom in person yesterday. She dropped by to give me a couple of the LiveSTRONG bands. Yay!! Now I have one! Thanks Mobilemum!

ok, off to kick my brother's ass out of bed. His alarm clock has been ringing since an hour ago, and it's starting to annoy me.

oh God...

can't sleep.

i'm having negative thoughts.

i must stay strong, healthy and POSITIVE!

over and out.

spleenache!

had some pain in my left back and spleen area the past few days. i actually felt it since last week, but only told mum and dad a couple of days ago. maybe i thought if i say it to someone, the pain will get worse. and it did!! after i told my mum, i couldn't stop thinking about it. my dad said the back pain could be muscle pain, or my kidney. and my spleen may have gotten infected again (had a fever last night). so i started drinking loads of oxygen water and took some painkillers. the pain has subsided for the time being..let's hope it goes away.

mum dropped me off at my office to pick up my insurance claim. since it was lunch time, i decided to meet up with my friends first. then went up to the office to check out what i've been missing. Quite a bit, i think.

cat chaos!

Mr Frodo:
I haven't seen for weeks now..apparently my dad says Mr Frodo can be seen at the end of the street sometimes. But he doesn't come home anymore. He's my favorite... :-(

Cookie:
Still small as ever...she's still scratching her ears and making them bleed.

Alf:
She spends most of her time inside the roof. Will only come down for breakfast and dinner.

Owen:
He's starting to poo and pee at places other than the kitty litter! arggh!

she, who always seems so happy in a crowd..

went to Ikano on Sunday. Wanted to look for some photo frames from Ikea and a pair of jeans from the Padini Concept Store. The jeans were more of a need than a want, in marketing terms, since my existing jeans/pants have now gotten too big for me. I just bought one pair though, just to get me through these skinny times (which feels quite nice actually, hehe).

Stepped into Ikea...and oh my! what's up with our people and Ikea? It's been almost a year...and it still feels like a zoo! Haven't people bought enough furniture already? I didn't know i could cut through the cafe to the downstairs part, so i followed the long way, trying to zoom by quickly past furniture buyers with my hand over my nose until i got to the frames section. Made it safely out of the cashier's lane without elbowing or tripping anyone (which i sooo felt like doing to the many kids who were running around the store!).

After that i had a drink with some friends at Dome, which was nice, given that I haven't seen them since raya.

Ended a perfect day watching Notting Hill at home, DVD courtesy of my friend J. Yea i know, it's a soppy girly movie, but I just love it! British accents, Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant, incredible soundtrack; yup - simply irresistable.

Nitey nite!

i need to start exercising!

man...i can't seem to bring myself to wake up before noon. unless i have a doctor's appointment, that is. i'm supposed to get some exercise, get some fresh air in my lungs every morning. how ah? instead, everyday i wake up, take my shower, have lunch, and then sit in my beanbag to watch DVDs (DVD player courtesy of my friends for my birthday..yahoo!). If i'm lucky, i'll get to do my brisk walking at Giant, while I wait for my mum to buy our groceries.

Maybe i'll start exercising tomorrow. I must! Transplant is only a month away, so I need to get fit. aaargghh...i'm so lazy! Or...could an early morning walk in 1Utama count as exercise? Ooh I must not tempt myself. I need to save the money to fix my car..