Wednesday, May 31, 2006

three parts of golf

i think i had excellent tutoring at the driving range yesterday, and i thought i should jot it down so i don't forget. heh.

course: tee box, fairway, green
modes: tee-off mode, approach mode, putting
club: club head, shaft, grip
swing: quarter swing, half swing, full swing
hitting the ball: hinge, lift, finish
posture: goalie ready position, defending a penalty, sit on your spine!
two practice swings, then hit the ball!

heh heh. i realized i was doing it all wrong before this.

i'm hooked. again.

Monday, May 29, 2006

animal safari

skipped the opportunity to golf with a pro this morning and decided to go to animal safari at the A Famosa Resort. Plan for Animal Safari did not work out since i overslept, so this was the closet I got to animals...a herd of cows crossing the road near Pekan Tampin. Boleh laaaah..

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Pain and Pangya

about 6 years ago, i remember getting a phone call at work from an old friend who had just broken up with his girlfriend. apparently he found out the girl was cheating on him. or so I understood. the details are kind of fuzzy now. anyway, I remember him asking me, "do you know how it feels to wake up in the mornings and feel that pain in your chest? do you?" I told him I didn't, and tried my best to console him.

6 years have passed, and if he asked me that again now, I would be able to say to him, "Yes, I know how it feels."

But I would also be able to ask him, "And do you know how it feels to wake up one morning and realize that the pain is gone?" We'd both be able to agree with each other and say, "Yes, and it feels friggin' great."

On a totally separate note, damn Nuke for introducing me to Pangya Online Golf. I am totally addicted to it now..Argh!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

DLI day

Woke up with a sore throat and slightly runny nose. Waiting to see the doc, but the DLI's been postponed to next week. Going back to work then.


It's now 7.30 PM. It turns out the they've already taken out the lymphocytes, so the doctor decided to infuse the cells anyway. There were two bags for today. Just two small bags, if i'm not mistaken, 2.5 x 107 cells in total. The infusion was painful! The doctor already told me to expect that since my veins are sensitive and the preservative solution for the cells can irritate the veins, making it painful. It still hurts now, along the vein line.

Was talking to the doctor about the bone marrow biopsy results, and he said he saw 1-2% blast cells in the marrow, but since it's 5%, i'm still considered in remission, Alhamdulillah. I'm a bit worried though, because in the previous bone marrow tests, no blast cells were present. Anyway the doctor concluded that it is just about the right time to infuse the white cells.

They injected phenagon first, it was supposed to make me drowsy i think. But i was awake the whole time they infused the cells, and fell asleep soon after they finished. Other than the pain, there were no complications and nothing special happened. (What did I expect, fireworks??? haha) So I went home around 2pm, slept some more, and woke up just recently. The doctor said, in about two weeks time I will perhaps get some GVHD, e.g. skin rashes, fever, diarrhea, etc.

So, that's the story! The cells are now inside, and there is no controlling what it will do to the body. Hope everything goes well in there!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Buy Buy Buy, and Never Read!

So, I'm going on a 1-book-a-week drive. It turns out that I was constantly buying books and borrowing from people, and most of the books sit on the shelf, some still in their plastic wrappers. Decided to take some action against myself when I found a Borders bag loaded with books I purchased many months ago, which I never got around to unpacking. I suppose it was part of the Kit for the BH regime I was following back then. Hahahaha.

Finished "Where Rainbows End - Cecilia Ahern" which was excellent. Well, if you like the two-best-friends-falling-in-love kind of storyline. Only this time it took them about 45 years to finally get together. My rating - 4/5.

Moving on to a more serious book, The Bookseller of Kabul, recommended by Mar. I suppose I could do book reviews from time to time. But we'll see how it goes...i'm more of a going-with-the-flow kind of person (in other words "hangat2 tahi ayam").


Sunday, May 21, 2006


Morphine makes you do strange things.

I was on hourly morphine injections last year, and I created a blog. About the travels of a 50 Sen coin. I managed to write only two entries, and the ideas stopped coming as soon as the morphine stopped.

My attempt to continue the story today failed miserably, I think. Ha ha ha.

Btw (this has got nothing to do with drugs of any kind), I was at No Black Tie to see Shanon Shah last night. Shanon was brilliant, as usual. But there was this other dude called Reza Salleh. That was the first time I've heard of him and his music. He's superb!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

previously on Am Scared... yourself lah. ingat ni Desperate Housewives ke. hehehe.

Before everybody else start to worry, i just want to make a note that everything is fine.

I pray that the DLI will go fine too.

Am Scared

Got a call from the clinic today, for a DLI next week. DLI = Donor Leukocyte Infusion, where they inject my donor's white cells for relapse prevention. It's been planned since a couple of month ago.

Due to the fact that I received the call two days after my biopsy, i'm suddenly clouded with worry. It's a stern reminder that the game might not be over yet, and me living as if I am already a winner is certainly not helping.

No details yet. Will update.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Kit for the Broken-Hearted

I was talking to someone today about broken hearts, and I realized that the Broken-Hearted (BH) partake in some common activities. So, if we were to create a Kit for the Broken Hearted, I would put these 10 things in:

a) Membership for Kickboxing lessons
To release the pent up rage and anger. Who knows, the BH might even get a chance to accidentally kick a real person and pretend that the ex is getting whoop-assed.

b) A golf club
Also for anger therapy.

c) A digital camera
Preferably a digital SLR, because it does a better job at capturing moods. But a simple point-and-shoot would do too. This is for the BH to wander around aimlessly while not appearing too aimless. It also helps to take the mind off the ex in small pockets of time when the BH makes stops to compose shots.

d) A blog account
To vent, whine, bitch and what-not. Oh, and also to post photos taken with the digital camera above.

e) At least 1 pair of married friends
Preferably with a kid or two. This is somewhat a symbiotic relationship. It allows the parents to for once have an adult conversation with each other, while the BH, who probably can’t focus on serious conversations anyway, can entertain the child by playing video games, asking stupid childish questions and watching cartoons like Chicken Little, Spongebob, Shrek, etc.

f) At least 2 single friends
Whom the BH can call to hangout with without much notice. Preferably one hot dude, and one hot girl to increase the level of happening-ness when people see the three of you out together.

g) At least 1 online friend
Preferably someone that the BH doesn’t really know or meet often, for non-judgmental bitching sessions until the wee hours. Conversations usually go like this (assuming BH is a girl):
BH: Buzz!! Can't sleep...
OF: Hey! How are you feeling now?
BH: Angry. (or whatever BH feels at the moment, it may vary from hour to hour) btw, are you listening to "Cry me a river" is on. That is sooo totally my song. I've got the mp3, I'll transfer it over to you.

OF: You’ll get over this at some point you know. I’ve been through it before. Believe me.
BH: I know. But right now it just feels like i can't go on. Oh, "One Last Cry" is on air now. Man, Brian McKnight really speaks to me.

OF: You'll find someone who'll make you happy. You'll see. Btw, Negaraku is on air in RTM, is that your song too? <-- OF getting sarcastic after BH claims about 200 songs in a row as her song.
Bla bla bla on and on until one decides to go to bed.

h) Workload the size of Mount Everest with an almost impossible deadline
Definitely works in shifting the focus and energy. Don't be ashamed to go to your boss and ask for a shitload of work.

i) A Valid International Passport
To take unplanned holidays abroad to “run away from all this,” to "mend the heart," to “clear the mind,” and so on.

j) A relatively bottomless bank account
To fill the void by purchasing totally unnecessary items without having to worry about bursting the credit limit. Oh, and of course, to pay for the said unplanned holidays. Unless you break up just before the MATA Fair, in which case you should consider yourself luckier than the other BHs. Heh.

That’s about all I could think of. Did I leave anything else? OK, well, maybe just a teaspoonful of self-pity and a bucket of willpower to move on. But let's not get philosophical. Chewaah...hahaha.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

post biopsy

gained consciousness around 3.30pm and realized i was sobbing. i had tears running from my eyes. did i cry during the biopsy? the last thing i remember was the doctor saying to me, "ok, now you sleep yea.." did i get nervous because it was the MO who did the procedure instead of the consultant? did it hurt? I can't remember a damn thing.

it doesn't hurt now. I'm still a bit woozy from the dormicum and pethadine, and I have a huge band-aid on my back.

dormicum is awesome. now, if only i could get my hands on a bagful of those during my difficult months late last would be just purrfect (i believe this is the way hot girls spell perfect these days, no?).


part 3

Ok..The technician said he would come in a half hour, although, he said, they don't usually do biopsies after lunch. Right, so i have to be aware that HE's doing me a favour. I don't care who's fault it is anymore, as long as i get to get this done today.

Wish me luck and good results.

This is the end of my complain letter. Ciao.

previously on At the hospital...

...I was waiting for the technician.

It's 1.15pm and the technician is already out to lunch. So apparently i came to the wrong ward, and nobody here bothered to check. Everybody just sort of waited for the technician's arrival until my face started getting contorted from the anger.

We'll see what happens. I know some of my doctors read this, and i feel really sorry that this is the system you have to work with.

To be continued...

at the hospital

It's already 12.40pm. Still waiting for my bone marrow test since 9.30am. I'm getting angry at their disrespect of my time. I can understand waiting 1.5 hours, but 3? They've got to be effing kidding me. Times like these, i wish i had sought treatment elsewhere. The clinic nurse said "you must come as soon as u can because the technician usually arrives around 9am." well, it's 12.45pm, and where the frakk is the technician now?!

This is how i get from smiling me to sour me within the span of the morning. Simply show me that my time is being wasted.

It's 5 mins to lunchtime. Will the technician arrive? The saga continues...

Bone Marrow Test

Called the clinic around 4.30 today to check if the test is confirmed tomorrow. Was told that my name wasn't in the appointment book and could i please call back a bit later so they can check first. I got a bit busy on the phone and only realized that I forgot to call them back around 5.02PM. Unfortunately the operator said the connection didn't go through because the clinic was already closed. AAAArrghhhh!! I was kind of looking forward to the test tomorrow so I can take the rest of the day off later and just bum around the house while nursing my sore back from after the biopsy. Now I'll have to go to work while i wait to see if the test is on or not. bargh!

Given that this is not the first time this happened to me, I have no one else to blame but myself. Should have called much earlier to check so they can arrange for something when they realize that my name isn't in the book. I think they called me twice before to tell me that I have a 16th May bone marrow appointment, somehow my name never got into their order book or whatever they call it.....hmmm...want to get angry oso no point.

We'll see what happens in the morning. If it happens, well, again, wish me all the best.

Am reading Where Rainbows End - Cecilia Ahern now. Quite a page-turner, if you're into chick lits. I'm looking for a mystery novel to read. Any recommendations? Those Dan Brown types la...history + mystery/thriller sort. Please don't tell me to read The Rule of Four. I mis-judged the book by its cover, and the book SUCKS!

Ciao tutti.

Monday, May 15, 2006


Am bored.

Got bone marrow test tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Lagi lagi cerita kerja

After almost two and a half months of mainly working and not much else, my project is finally over (for now), and I can stop worrying about it...other than the three things i have yet to finish by Monday. hehe.

Post-job review: I'm not made to chase people because I'd rather just get it done myself. Must find a better way to do people-chasing next time.

Have a good weekend! I'm certainly going to have a good one!


Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Why do some girls wear such thick makeup?

I don't know. You tell me. Is the Russian Doll look the in thing right now? Foundation 10 shades lighter than the skin plus two round shades of Vermillion on the cheeks. Is that in?

What I don't understand is, in pictures, how can some claim themselves as "hot", "pretty", "sizzling", "babeZ" when they're so obviously not? Hello! Like, have you heard of a mirror?

Why am i ranting about this? Dunno? Err, should i go back to ranting about work?

Sunday, May 07, 2006


Needed a change of air and decided to go sebok2 at a gig at Hartamas last night. Not that many people, but the noise coming from the bands....goodness! Above is a picture of a band that basically screamed all the way and I had no idea what they were singing. The only sentence i got from the singer was, "our next song will be a cover from Iron Mydin". Rock kapak braderrr!!!!

Felt a bit old as me and Lan were talking to this kid, and suddenly the song "Come out and play" by Offspring came out. The kid said, "when i was in kindergarten, i heard this song and thought it was quite good." Jeez!

I think i'll go check out Rock Chic night next week. Bands with girl singers playing. If they start screaming, i'll leave. hehe.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Need blood? Sign here.

(note to adrie: it's not about work this time)
I'm too lazy to put a link because NST will archive it after some time. So go to NST and search for "blood transfusion consent" and you'll be able to open it if it's still there.

Anyway, so it looks like the government is now introducing a consent form for patients receiving blood. Before I actually read the article, I thought, what a bloody ridiculous thing to do! So you have a close to fainting patient with a 3.6 Hb count, needing four pints of blood, and you go, "by the way, we need you to sign this consent form because we will not be responsible if you contract AIDS or Hepatitis or any diseases from the blood you will be receiving." Now i'm scared, because i think i have received more than 25 pints of blood and god knows how many bags of platelets while i was under treatment. Erk!

Being a patient who was treated using the government's medical facilities, i think to get patients to sign such forms may just spoil its image (the government's image lah...not the patients'!). I have received excellent care from the doctors, who try to do their best despite the not so state-of-the-art facilities. My perceived lack of confidence for the government medical care significantly shifted while I was being treated. Some people asked me, "eh..why didn't you get your treatment done at so-and-so private hospital ah?" I answered, "why? the only difference is that there is no Astro and that the test results come back slightly late if it's not an emergency. otherwise the doctors are just as good." And I'm sure a lot of other people who've experienced the government's medical services will agree with me.

So, I think it's a waste of efforts when the nation is feeling quite good about the medical services, and they suddenly come up with a consent form that looks like they're trying to deny any responsibility for blood transfusion related diseases. You know why? Because people will think, "ahh it must be because of that lady who died because she got AIDS from her blood transfusion and they don't want to be responsible for occurences like that anymore."

However, after reading the article, I understand that the consent is just like the consent i had to sign prior to having my radiotherapy, where they explained to me the side effects of radiation. The form said that the risks have been explained to me, and that I understand them, and will not sue the government if anything happens to me. At which point I asked, "well, do i have a choice?" and the lady smiled to me, and i gave in and signed the document.

I guess the blood transfusion thing will be just like that. I still think that the government should at least take full responsibility for all diseases that are known at the time of the blood transfusion. I'll sign that. And rather than getting people worried about the risks, why not invest in better testing equipment and better education for the lab technicians? And if they still end up with one patient contracting a disease, settle. It's a small price to pay for the nation's confidence.

Ok la. membebel and starting to Talk Like Power, so i better stop. My final question is, if i'm in a situation where I require 4 pints of blood transfused, do i sign just one form, or 4 forms? Coz penat la weh nak kena sign 4 forms...dah la tengah tak cukup oxygen from low blood count. Then they'll need to have another consent form to say that the government is not liable for deaths occuring from signing blood transfusion consents. heh.


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Ruffedge - Lemas

due to a serious lack of anything to write, i'm gonna do the cheapo and paste lyrics from Ruffedge's latest tracks, "Lemas". My initial reaction to the song was "ugh!" but after a few rounds the tune kind of got to me. Sedap sungguh lagu ini. heh.

lemas ku dalam dakapanmu
tidak ku sangka kau begitu
inikah lumrah orang bercinta
tiada ruang nafasnya

lemas ku dalam pelukanmu
tidak ku perlu kau begitu
inikah ertinya bercinta
berikan ruang agarku selesa

memang dia orangnya
mulanya memang sempurna
tiada yang buruk darinya
bahagia sentiasa dirasa ohh..
tapi kini dah berubah
yang indah jadi derita
aku resah gelisah
yang tinggal hanyalah sakit dan peritnya

kini aku mula sedari
apa yang telah terjadi
diriku dibebani bayanganmu
tapi itu semua dulu
memang ku tidak mahu teruskan
percintaan ini bersamamu...