Monday, June 25, 2007

sunrise @ The Strait of Johor

sunrise @ The Strait of Johor, originally uploaded by nadi0.

I just got back from a trip to Singapore. Stayed in JB, in a place called Compact Hotel. When I arrived on Friday night, i complained about the car lift and the dodgy looking room. They had a Midnight Special of RM100, and I don't really want to know what that is. hehee..Then, I woke up at 7AM from the sunlight pouring through the window, and saw this wonderful sunrise.

My beloved camera almost got stuck outside the dirty window when i attempted to slip the camera through the small opening. I'm never going to try that again, it almost gave me a heart attack when I realized I couldn't slip the camera back in so easily. had to detach the lense before I could get the camera safely back inside the room. hehehe.

Singapore was awesome. The zoo was awesome. Too many people even at 9.30AM, but for RM15, i am not going to complain. The sale was good too, but I didn't buy much for myself. Went to look for camera stuff for my friends, and ended up buying the all the remaining stock of Sanyo Eneloop batteries at this camera shop in Peninsula Plaza.

Then I hung out at the Esplanade, the Merlion Park...all the normal stuff. A laid-back weekend, other than my legs now feel like they're going to break from too much walking.

Oh. And thanks to Najah who pointed me to Ayam Bakar Ojolali in Lucky Plaza. Man....that's the best tasting chicken i've ever had! yummmmy! I wanted to take home some with me, but i wasn't sure if it will still be as good when it gets to time maybe.

am going to rest now. work tomorrow.


Thursday, June 21, 2007

Traumatic Wednesday

in the past 3 years...i've had many invasive procedures done on me.

- blood tests (probably a thousand times)
- bone marrow biopsies (i lost count of how many)
- insertion of hickman line (twice)
- insertions of lines on my neck, arm and thigh
- bronchoscopy
- spleen biopsy
- lung biopsy

and the list continues...

and you may see me as a strong person, but most of the procedures usually end up in me crying or screaming and left me feeling rather fucked up for a couple of days.

yesterday morning, i had an upper intestine endoscopy procedure - am i using the right term docs? and of course, my standard question would be, would i be sedated, and if no, can i please be sedated?

unfortunately the doc declined my request. he said he wants to save my veins from being damaged. so, he gave me a throat sort of numbed my throat..but i was fully aware of what was going on. and guess what? of course when i saw the scope, i freaked out! i fought, screamed and cried. and 16 hours after the procedure, i my throat and tummy still feel sore from my fighting the scope from entering my esophagus. the mental image won't go away, and i still feel like crying whenever i think about it. like right now.

why would anyone have to go through such trauma when they can be sedated?

i asked the doc why not, the only reason he gave was:
1. because he wanted to save my veins

but here are my reasons:
1. so i don't get freaked out and start to struggle
2. so i don't fight and hurt my throat
3. so i don't start screaming in the room like a mental patient, hence scaring the other patients
4. so the poor nice doctor doesn't label me as a difficult patient
5. so i don't feel angry for the whole day and have nowhere to channel the anger to
6. so i get to wake up 1 or 2 hours later groggy, but at least i'll be in a pleasant mood
7. so i don't feel traumatized and invaded for the whole day, which will end up in me sleeping until it's dinner time, which i think is a friggin' waste of time. and i still wake up in a foul mood.

it's 2 AM, and i can't sleep because i slept the whole day, and i still feel pretty fucked up.

i know, my mother says that i need to be strong and have willpower. fighting leukemia was a long and arduous journey for me, and these days, if i can avoid any discomfort, i will avoid it. my veins will regrow, but will the traumatic experience fade from my memory? right, why not just add another bad experience to her long list of bad experiences?

nevertheless, at the expense of my feeling horribly fucked up, the result of the scope was normal, thank God. :-) and i hope i never have to go through such a procedure again in my entire life.

have i said that i feel so fucked up now?

Wednesday, June 06, 2007


Cookie Cat, originally uploaded by nadi0.

i haven't written about cats in a long long while.

well, this is a story about a cat named Cookie.

she was born in Taman Seputeh in August 2003, just before Merdeka Day. she became really sick circa late 2004 while i was fighting leukemia..the vet said she had skin cancer. You can see the lesions on her body in the picture. but she lived a full year, before she went missing sometime in early 2006. i assumed she died away from home and prayed that she died painlessly.

then tonight...while i was stumbling in the dark backyard to put food for Baby and Tompok, i heard the sound of a leash bell. the cat purr near my legs sounded strangely familiar. it felt like a lean, short-haired cat...and my heart skipped. shit, did Baby lose all her hair from the skin ointment i put on her? (Baby is having some skin problems too...)

i quickly reached for the switch to turn on the lights, and voila! there was Cookie...munching on the food i had just poured for the other cats. and she looks all better now..she looks older, but it was her!

i believed that she became ill because she was trying to absorb some of my pain when i was sick, and now that i'm better, she got better too. i guess that belief isn't too far-fetched then.

thank you to that kind person out there who took care of her when i couldn't. if she drops by to see me once in a while, that's more than enough for me, to know that she's OK and well-taken care of.

i'm now wondering if Alf and Owen could still be alive. :-)

p/s: Baby, after the maid left and all her three babies died, has gone into depression mode, and now looks more like a germ-infested stray cat rather than a persian. she's got these disgusting crustings on her ears, and she keeps going back into the maid's room to lie down on her bed. :-( it's so sad to see her like that. hope she feels better.