in the past 3 years...i've had many invasive procedures done on me.
- blood tests (probably a thousand times)
- bone marrow biopsies (i lost count of how many)
- insertion of hickman line (twice)
- insertions of lines on my neck, arm and thigh
- bronchoscopy
- spleen biopsy
- lung biopsy
and the list continues...
and you may see me as a strong person, but most of the procedures usually end up in me crying or screaming and left me feeling rather fucked up for a couple of days.
yesterday morning, i had an upper intestine endoscopy procedure - am i using the right term docs? and of course, my standard question would be, would i be sedated, and if no, can i please be sedated?
unfortunately the doc declined my request. he said he wants to save my veins from being damaged. so, he gave me a throat anesthetic...it sort of numbed my throat..but i was fully aware of what was going on. and guess what? of course when i saw the scope, i freaked out! i fought, screamed and cried. and 16 hours after the procedure, i my throat and tummy still feel sore from my fighting the scope from entering my esophagus. the mental image won't go away, and i still feel like crying whenever i think about it. like right now.
why would anyone have to go through such trauma when they can be sedated?
i asked the doc why not, the only reason he gave was:
1. because he wanted to save my veins
but here are my reasons:
1. so i don't get freaked out and start to struggle
2. so i don't fight and hurt my throat
3. so i don't start screaming in the room like a mental patient, hence scaring the other patients
4. so the poor nice doctor doesn't label me as a difficult patient
5. so i don't feel angry for the whole day and have nowhere to channel the anger to
6. so i get to wake up 1 or 2 hours later groggy, but at least i'll be in a pleasant mood
7. so i don't feel traumatized and invaded for the whole day, which will end up in me sleeping until it's dinner time, which i think is a friggin' waste of time. and i still wake up in a foul mood.
it's 2 AM, and i can't sleep because i slept the whole day, and i still feel pretty fucked up.
i know, my mother says that i need to be strong and have willpower. fighting leukemia was a long and arduous journey for me, and these days, if i can avoid any discomfort, i will avoid it. my veins will regrow, but will the traumatic experience fade from my memory? right, why not just add another bad experience to her long list of bad experiences?
nevertheless, at the expense of my feeling horribly fucked up, the result of the scope was normal, thank God. :-) and i hope i never have to go through such a procedure again in my entire life.
have i said that i feel so fucked up now?
