Today has got to be the most depressing day since i got diagnosed. Yes. My hickman line dah al-marhum. Gone. Yanked out of me like some poisonous snake. I tell you, it's even more depressing than being diagnosed with leukemia itself. Just thinking about the next few days of being poked with needles for blood samples is enough to make me cry a bucket of tears, which l did. But the doctor had no choice. I was running fevers of 39+degrees 2-3 times a day, for 10 days in a row, and they couldn't find the cause (e.g. No bacteria found in my blood cultures, no diarrhea, clear chest x-ray, in short, no sign of infection). In the end they concluded it must be the line causing the fevers, although there are no guarantees.
My eyes are now swollen from crying over the loss all morning. My left hand is also now swollen from water retention. It's more difficult for me to move now, but i hope it's only for the next few days before i get to go home.
Well, I guess what's done is done. Doc reassured me that the line can be reinserted later, although I'm not sure how soon. My biggest fear is that when I go for my next chemo, I don't have my Hickman's line with me. I will be like a Jedi Knight without his light saber. They say if the chemo medicine touches your skin tissue, it can leave some unsightly burns/scars. Let's hope that doesn't happen though. Or better yet, hopefully i will not need a next chemo.
I'm still depressed. No more walking around with the Rm4500 worth of convenience. I still can't see the bright side of having my new best friend detached from me after only 2 months. Maybe tonight i'll come up with something positive about all this.
Now i wish my eyes would stop swelling. The nurses here must think I'm such a big baby for crying over a lost line.
Arrivederci.
