Happy festivities!

Mee maggi,
Cepat dimasak,
Sedap dimakan.

After more than a year, boy did that maggi kari taste benissimo this morning. Nyum nyum!

HAPPY DEEPAVALI & SELAMAT HARI RAYA TO EVERYBODY. Yes, YOU!
Jangan main mercun sampai putus tangan ye!

ps: has anybody ever gone to that fair next to 1-Utama? I saw some rides there, and suddenly felt like riding the ferris wheel. How much to get in?

A Prayer

Dear God,

With You showing the way, I made a decision today. You know what it is. Three months ago, it never crossed my mind that I will have to take that action ever. But today, it happened. This has been the most difficult year for me, for You have tested my strength physically and mentally. I know I forget to think about You sometimes, but I am always grateful for the blessings that you have given me. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, and I pray to You that this decision I have made is for the best. Thank you.

"Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau biarkan dosa meliputi diri kami, melainkan Engkau mengampuni kami dan tidak ada sesuatu kesempitan melainkan Engkau beri jalan keluar, dan tidak ada pula sesuatu hajat yang mendapat kerelaanMu, melainkan Engkau kabulkan."

Amin.

Addendum: And please let me sleep tonight, for I haven't slept in two days playing Destroy All Humans, thus forgetting my obligations to You. Amin.

Syok sendiri

I was so shiok sendiri all this while that I never realized some people get a distorted version of my blog. Thanks to Torqxic for pointing it out. Here are two screen captures. You can click on the image to enlarge it. Anyone who always gets a page like the first picture, show me your hand!



I'll have to fix this now. Not that people care, yes I know that. I just can't stand knowing that there's an imperfection, argh! Thanks for giving me something to do now, Torque!

meeting new people, making new friends

I was never very good at meeting new people. It feels safer to just hide behind familiar walls; the family, friends and colleagues that I regularly talk to. Recently I have lost a big portion of the familiarity that I have amassed over the past few years, and I learned that I will need to make some adjustments. I don't even know if I feel happy or sad. Most of the time, I just feel highly disoriented, like a lost soul trying to find its way home. Ok fine...not really like a lost soul la, maybe more like me trying to get to Mutiara Damansara but somehow finding myself in the middle of nowhere in Kota Damansara. Hehehe.

So, I decided to meet new people.

In over a year, I haven't really made new friends, other than my doctors, nurses and fellow patients. I never realized how nervous I was until I decided to join a couple of friends who were seeing their friends tonight. Almost turned my car around because I wasn't sure if I was up to it. Do I dare? I kept asking myself. Don't even know what I'm scared of, actually. :-) All I know is that these days, I get nervous easily when I have too much company, especially when I can't bring myself to concentrate on the conversation.

And of course, the new people I met were very nice. I'm glad I decided to brave it tonight. Come January when I start work, there will be a lot more people to meet, so it's better that I start getting comfortable with that right now.

Here's to making new friends, and keeping the old ones.

Cheers.

Finally...!

After almost a month of fasting, I finally got my chance to walk through the pasar ramadhan. Unfortunately, nothing looked particularly appetizing to me. The food in the stalls were not covered and flies were all over the place. Yuck. There was a blueberry cheesecake that looked rather nice, but I wouldn't be able to tell whether they were actually blueberries or dead flies. Eww!

Here are some pictures anyway...




Ok...selamat berbuka!

Day +108

Everything's going almost fine. I say almost because things are generally OK, but yet to be perfect. Like a car lah, got to fine tune here and there. Hehe..

I had an ultrasound of my abdomen on Day +100, and everything looks normal (liver, pancreas, kidneys, etc etc).

Last Monday (Day +105) I went for my review at the clinic. My liver function test from last 2 weeks showed that my liver enzymes have shown improvement, but the numbers are still high. At this point we're not sure whether it's GVH or liver infection. The doc has decided to monitor it for a few more weeks. If the levels do not drop and there are no external signs of GVH (e.g. vomiting or/and diarrhea), he'll have to do a liver biopsy to ascertain the problem.

Funny thing, the body. I haven't had any nausea or diarrhea in months. Not even 24 hours after the doctor told me that he would have to biopsy my liver since I didn't show any sign of GVH, I started having diarrhea and nausea. Probably my mind telling the body to show some sign of GVH because it doesn't want to go through another biopsy for as long as I live. heh! Logik ke?

Slept from midnight on Monday through buka puasa time on Tuesday (in between visits to the bathroom). Woke up with a mild headache, probably from oversleeping. Feel much better today, after recovering from the diarrhea and nausea.

My blood counts were OK, although they could be better: WBC 3.3, Hb 9.0, Platelets 176.

Hopefully we'll see some improvements in the next 2 weeks. :-)

Over and out.

Al-fatihah...

to Datin Seri Endon,


and Tan Sri Azizan.


for more Putrajaya pictures, visit nadios.fotopages.com

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer..."

The boy continued to listen to his heart as they crossed the dessert. He came to understand its dodges and tricks, and to accept it as it was. He lost his fear, and forgot about his need to go back to the oasis, because, one afternoon, his heart told him that it was happy. "Even though I complain sometimes, " it said, "it's because I'm the heart of a person, and people's hearts are that way. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasure that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly."

(Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist)

Yup. I've got nothing to write about these days. Apart from feeling sad about the passing of Datin Seri Endon, things with me have been going great. I've got a few entries in draft mode because I am too scared to push the Publish button. Want to bitch about the way Habib Jewels in Ampang treated us last week, but am too lazy to do so. Suffice to say I'm never stepping into another Habib Jewels store for a very long time.

Have a wonderful weekend, fellas.

Aquaria @ KL

Visited the Aquaria while waiting for buka puasa just now. Nice, but I wish there was a bit more to see. It was fun, though.



for more pictures, click here.

Day +100

Today is my Day +100 post transplant. According to my BMT handbook, I can now go out without having to wear my mask.

There were days when I questioned myself, Would I ever get that far?
There were times when reaching 100 days felt like 100 years.
There were days I surfed around the Internet and admired the people who got through their 100 days and wished I was them.
And Alhamdulillah, here I am today, 100 days post transplant and doing quite well. Thanks to every single person who supported me, e.g. my parents, my brothers, my friends, my bosses, my online support group, the medical team; it would have been difficult for me to come to this day on my own. (I was planning to use this for when I receive my Academy Award, but this came first..so..heheh)

I don't claim to be a better person, but there are some things that I've learned when dealing with a critical illness. Well, I guess I already knew some of them back then, if you read back my first posting since I was diagnosed, but here they are anyway (plus some more):

• Try to be brave, positive, strong and all that.
• Have a sense of humour.
• Keep yourself happy, don't let little things upset you. Even if for some reason you become unhappy, just try to act happy and soon enough you will be happy.
• Evaluate your options and try to understand what is going on.
• Keep track of your developments. Keep a journal. Understand what medications you are taking and what they are for. Make sure the nurses give you the correct medication (yes, they are trained, but they are human too).
• Take it one day at a time. Don't worry too much. Trust that things will work themselves out.
• Stay focused. There will be people coming to your door trying to help you by telling you what works and what doesn't. People like to tell you what to do - it gives them a sense of helping out. Thank them, but most importantly, just focus on the few things that are really useful for you.
• Keep your family close.
• Eat well (I'm still struggling with this until now).
• If you're immunosuppressed but you feel like eating something that you're not advised to, e.g. a burger or mamak curry, never forget to baca Bismillah and hope that whatever you're about to eat is safe, heheh.
• Pray. As often as you could.

Here's to another 100 days. Cheers.

Miscellaneous Reviews

Things I've been doing that are depriving me of sleep. Thank goodness I'm not working (yet) hihihi..

Listening to Craig David's Don't Love You No More (I'm Sorry). It's got some Gabrielle/boyband-ish zing to it, which I like. I just like it ok, lagu ini tiada kena mengena dengan yang hidup atau mati. Ahahahaahaa..! I wish I could share the music here, but since I can't, i'll just share the chorus:

"...Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, you're gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more..."

Reading books. I just finished Who Moved My Cheese and just about to start on The Alchemist. I really don't know why I never bothered to read the cheese book before. It is actually quite a good read, with loads of lessons to learn from, not only at work, but in life. A couple of years ago my company went through a major change. They probably could've executed the change better if they had made everybody read and really understand the story. I think I saw some powerpoint slides being emailed around, but nobody really took charge of it. Oh well. Maybe it will be useful for future programs.

Playing Kingdom Hearts. An adventure game that combines both Square and Disney characters, you won't get enough of it. I certainly couldn't stop playing it until I got stuck at one point and was too lazy to find the walkthrough on the Internet. The character's name is Sora, who started in an island, and constantly wondered if there are other worlds out there. Initially worried about leaving the safety of his own home, he decided to venture into the excitement of the unknown. Eh, somehow this reminds me of the cheese book pulak! ;-)

Okay...jom berbuka! Lapar ni...

A nice surprise (or not?)

This is Fazley. People say he's going out with Siti Nurhaliza. Do you think he's handsome?


I was looking for some paper just now, and found this on my desk. I remember vaguely my youngest brother telling me that he got it from a motivation seminar conducted by Fazley in his school several months ago. (Don't ask. I don't know how he got from singing to motivating). I never touched it since it wasn't mine. But today I was desperate.


I opened the notepad to start writing, and I shuddered when I saw it. There it was, an autograph from Fazley, addressed to me! How exciting! Now who wouldn't kill for an autograph from Fazley?


I know two people who would be so jealous when they see this. Keh keh keh.

My little brother is such a sweet and thoughtful fella. Little brother, I said Yusry lah wey....NOT Fazley!! Not in a million years!

Sheeesh! Men never listen, do they?

Day +96

Had my first buka puasa out of the house today:



Check out Craig David's latest - The Story Goes. Actually it's not so latest la, but I just got it today, and it's pretty good, if you like Craig David. My favorite tracks: All The Way, Do You Believe in Love, One Last Dance and Separate Ways (ala2 espagnol).

What's Hot? (Part II)

This posting is in reference to this previous post.

I was fiddling around with my friendster account today, and noticed that my Friendster's "Popular searches in my network" list has gotten worse...here goes:

1. henjut
2. diramas
3. posisi jimak
4. terlondeh baju
5. malam paling panjang
6. sepupu 1
7. pakcikku
8. selak kain
9. signs that he likes you
10. kucup

WTF??? Astaghafirullah, kan ke bulan Ramadhan ni? Bawak-bawak la bertaubat weyy...I tried clicking on the first item, just to see where it would take me. Whoa...trust me, you don't want to go there. Well, unless you're one of those erotica-loving wankers! I'll give 10 bucks to anyone who finds "niat solat tarawih" in their list. hehehe...

Si Gemok dan Si Comel

Louie and his master Sean
(fatty cat's got a bigger belly than the boy!)

Terkenang kembali....

Reunions are always fun, aren't they? I have never managed to make it to my school reunions for various reasons. I imagine it would be very comforting, to meet your friends again after all these years. Some 100+ girls (women now), who along your five-year stint in high school, must have touched your life somehow, be it your clique of friends or someone you briefly organized something with. Year after year, you meet these friends. You wonder why you never bothered to keep in touch with most of them. You wish you did. But you smile, because although you don't really know the details of their current lives, you are glad that you shared a wonderful past together. And you seek comfort in the fact that although they look different now, and will continue to, they are still the same people you knew from a while back, with the same laughs, same smiles and same hearts.

Bangun pukul 3, pastu jiwang sorang2

Yeah...come on! Sing with me!!

"...Mampukah ku alun kesemua tawamu
Menjadi melodi menemani diriku
Dapatkah kita memahami jalinan suci
Apakah ertinya kasih sayang ini

Berikanlah masa untuk difikirkan
Apa yang terbaik bagi meneruskan
Percintaan ini
Yang terpendam di jiwa..."

(Sahri - Memori Bahagia)

After hospital

I woke up to a dreary morning. (Actually I didn't sleep, but anyway) The sky was dark and cloudy and it was hard for me to be optimistic about my results today. But alas, rain fell, and when I walked out of the clinic this morning, the day was bright and clear.

Alhamdulillah, my bone marrow test came out well. The doctor said that I am in remission, and they did not detect any blast cells in my marrow. My next Bone marrow biopsy will be in another 4 months. My blood counts are fine, and my liver enzymes has shown some improvement, although the numbers are still high. I'll have an ultrasound of the liver next week to make sure everything's A-OK.

And really, thanks to all your prayers for me, because I sometimes still forget to do it for myself.

lagi2 cerita cinta, tak habis2!

He says, "i really don't know right now."

You turn a blind eye on something, and suddenly life turns inside out and you don't know what just hit you. You thought that something was your ally, keeping things afloat, but now it has turned against you and become your enemy, and you never saw it coming.

Here's what happened to a person i know, who like me, has been ill for a while. Her health is improving tremendously, but now her heart is breaking. What do you do with a broken heart? You can kill off your bone marrow with chemo and radiation and generate new cells. But a broken heart? You can't zap it off with radiation. You can only heal it with time. How much time, it really is up to you. And how strong a person you are. Unless you want to kill yourself with high-doses of radiation and die of a broken heart...but that would be just sad. Plus no radiotherapist will agree to do that to you, so not a chance.

She cried, although she doesn't really feel sad. Is it because she saw it coming? Or is it because she thinks there's still hope? She told me, it's strange, it felt worse when she was wildly wondering what was going on. Now that she knows, she can decide what her next action should be. I thought about it. It was just like when I didn't know I had leukemia. I knew that I wasn't physically well, so when I looked up my symptoms on the Internet, it could have just been normal anemia or up to a variety of cancers. It was a lot more worrying than when the doctors confirmed I had leukemia. Because when I knew, I could then set my mind on how I would get better. I think it's the same case with this friend of mine, although at this moment she must think her situation is a lot worse than mine.

This person is a rational, logical person (she was rather good at math, hehe). She said that if she was told today, straight in the face, that there is absolutely no hope, sure, she'll be upset for a while. She would go home, cry for an hour, speak to a girlfriend for another hour and get on with her life. After all, you can't force how another person feels about you, can you? So why bother too much about it? Agreed. But when you're left with a bit of hope that things will work out, aah, that's different. You're stuck in between wildly wondering and certainty. In a state of limbo. Purgatory. Whatever they call it. What should she do? Should she (1) fight for it like she fought for her life, or (2) should she just abandon all hope and get on while her pride is still intact? Having been brought up in a school where pride conquers all, she is tempted to lean towards option no. 2. But having cared deeply for someone for years, no. 1 doesn't seem like too bad an idea after all, if you sort of sweep the pride part aside for a second. I really don't know what she will do. She's smart. I trust that once she manages to separate the problem from her emotions, she will have her solution. And everybody will see her smiling again in no time, no matter how bad she feels inside.

She said that her body was literally shaking, and I don't think it's the effect of her medication or the air-conditioning in her room. I told her to go lie down and go to sleep, and forget about everything for now.

You know what, enough of this. No more stories of broken hearts. Whatever happens to me, or that person I know. We'll go back to cat pictures and leukemia updates from now on. Or articles on what-to-eat for buka puasa. (Yes! I managed to puasa yesterday! Way to go, me!)

Wish me luck for my bone marrow test results today. At least for me something will become certain soon. :-) I'll worry about the rest at another time, in another place. Not in here.

Sir Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

and at the risk of sounding like a blogging cliche (nyehehe..), because, my friend, this too, shall pass.

Pictures like these...

...never fail to put a smile on my face.


I'm telling you...i WILL jump!


Splat..!


Oh God, can somebody take that little thing away from me! It looks like a rat!


Too..much..programming...still a lot of these to read..will catch on some sleep first.