He says, "i really don't know right now."
You turn a blind eye on something, and suddenly life turns inside out and you don't know what just hit you. You thought that something was your ally, keeping things afloat, but now it has turned against you and become your enemy, and you never saw it coming.
Here's what happened to a person i know, who like me, has been ill for a while. Her health is improving tremendously, but now her heart is breaking. What do you do with a broken heart? You can kill off your bone marrow with chemo and radiation and generate new cells. But a broken heart? You can't zap it off with radiation. You can only heal it with time. How much time, it really is up to you. And how strong a person you are. Unless you want to kill yourself with high-doses of radiation and die of a broken heart...but that would be just sad. Plus no radiotherapist will agree to do that to you, so not a chance.
She cried, although she doesn't really feel sad. Is it because she saw it coming? Or is it because she thinks there's still hope? She told me, it's strange, it felt worse when she was wildly wondering what was going on. Now that she knows, she can decide what her next action should be. I thought about it. It was just like when I didn't know I had leukemia. I knew that I wasn't physically well, so when I looked up my symptoms on the Internet, it could have just been normal anemia or up to a variety of cancers. It was a lot more worrying than when the doctors confirmed I had leukemia. Because when I knew, I could then set my mind on how I would get better. I think it's the same case with this friend of mine, although at this moment she must think her situation is a lot worse than mine.
This person is a rational, logical person (she was rather good at math, hehe). She said that if she was told today, straight in the face, that there is absolutely no hope, sure, she'll be upset for a while. She would go home, cry for an hour, speak to a girlfriend for another hour and get on with her life. After all, you can't force how another person feels about you, can you? So why bother too much about it? Agreed. But when you're left with a bit of hope that things will work out, aah, that's different. You're stuck in between wildly wondering and certainty. In a state of limbo. Purgatory. Whatever they call it. What should she do? Should she (1) fight for it like she fought for her life, or (2) should she just abandon all hope and get on while her pride is still intact? Having been brought up in a school where pride conquers all, she is tempted to lean towards option no. 2. But having cared deeply for someone for years, no. 1 doesn't seem like too bad an idea after all, if you sort of sweep the pride part aside for a second. I really don't know what she will do. She's smart. I trust that once she manages to separate the problem from her emotions, she will have her solution. And everybody will see her smiling again in no time, no matter how bad she feels inside.
She said that her body was literally shaking, and I don't think it's the effect of her medication or the air-conditioning in her room. I told her to go lie down and go to sleep, and forget about everything for now.
You know what, enough of this. No more stories of broken hearts. Whatever happens to me, or that person I know. We'll go back to cat pictures and leukemia updates from now on. Or articles on what-to-eat for buka puasa. (Yes! I managed to puasa yesterday! Way to go, me!)
Wish me luck for my bone marrow test results today. At least for me something will become certain soon. :-) I'll worry about the rest at another time, in another place. Not in here.
Sir Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."
and at the risk of sounding like a blogging cliche (nyehehe..), because, my friend, this too, shall pass.