Wednesday, October 05, 2005

From phone calls to life to grass

Boy, am I really in the mood to post these days.

Have you ever known a person who just stops calling you for no apparent reason? It really is mind boggling, trying to figure out what is going through that person's mind, without having to directly ask. It is especially puzzling, when the person is someone you talk to almost everyday. You don't remember what went wrong, except that when you spoke last, you felt that things with that last conversation didn't end up too well. But you really, honestly didn't think it was your fault. You wanted to say some mean things but held your tongue just because you hate to argue. So you hang up. You just don't have the energy to argue anymore after all these years. Plus, if you start an argument, you know exactly what happens. You don't speak for several days, then you finally give in and make the phone call. And you both act as if nothing has happened, you don't talk about it, and life goes on. Nobody mentions the communication gap again. And it makes you feel like an absolute shithead. You wonder how the heck other people deal with it. Try talking about it? Bargh, you won't even know how to start, because you know you'll end up being called too sensitive. And you know that you're not that sensitive, but somehow you still feel like a lesser person. So, everytime it happens, you keep it mostly to yourself, and hope that it doesn't grow into a tumor. Because then you'll be a shithead with a tumor. You don't want that. No way.

At times like these, you start comparing yourself to other people. You hear about the boy who sends flowers and chocolates to his girlfriends on Valentine's day. You hear about the friend who threw a surprise birthday party for her best friend. You hear your friends telling stories of how very much in love they are, how life is going so well for them. You hear about people who genuinely love their jobs. You hear about people surviving cancer. You imagine - how sweet. Other people's lives always seem better. How you long for your life to be perfect all the time, but you know that's just wishful thinking. Then you remember the saying, be thankful with what you have, the grass on the other side of the fence always looks greener. You're thankful, but sometimes you can't help yourself but think - maybe the grass is actually greener over there. The question is, dare you venture to the other side? Or do you stay and work with the grass that you already have, and try to make it look as green as the grass across the fence? Does that make you a coward?

What will you do? You decide to go to bed because you realized that it's almost 2AM. And you hope to wake up tomorrow chilling out in greener pastures. The same ones, or the ones across the fence, you don't really care, as long as it's greener.