Monday, June 20, 2005

la mortalité, la mortalità, mortality

when i saw this, I was reminded of my own mortality.

On several occasions, I have thought about what would happen if I died. Well, I have also thought about it before I got diagnosed with leukemia, but it is a thought that comes more often to my mind these days. When I saw a paper cutting where Nik Aziz said "roh tidak diterima bumi jikalau berhutang" (your spirit will not be accepted by the earth if you are in debt), i thought about my housing and car loans. When I heard about my fellow AML friends who died not even a year after diagnosis, I thought about my own chances.

All of a sudden the words "pegi mampus-lah" (go die) carries a meaning. I often catch myself with that phrase at the tip of my tongue, about to say it to a rude driver or a rude whoever, and find myself holding back. When my little brother crankily said to me "nah, pakai la computer tu sampai mati" (here, you can use the computer until you die), it made me feel sad, although it is something we quite normally say to each other.

I think about whether I should make a will. Then again, I don't have that many things to worry about, financially. Some savings, a car and house loan and a credit card. That's about it. I think about whether I should appoint someone to take down this blog and all my other Internet accounts. I think about what would happen to my cats. Would Z miss me? Would my family miss me? Would the world miss me?

As I thought about my mortality, it occured to me that I worry more about what I will be leaving behind, when I should be more worried about being in God's good books. I hope this is God's way of giving me a wake up call, a second chance to become a better person. To become aware of my own mortality and what lies beyond.