Wednesday, June 29, 2005
My mother is most concerned about this. I have decided to just go for the transplant, and deal with it...despite worrying about infections and so forth. My mother having second thoughts is making me having third (or fourth) thoughts. Should I follow my heart? Which means I'm going against my mother's instincts. I have thought about the transplant, when i was having second thoughts, and decided to do it because if I don't, I will forever be worried if my leukemia will come back. Now, if i do the transplant, when I'm done with it, at least I'll have a peace of mind. I am aware that going through transplant is not easy, and that there is a small risk that the disease will come back, but at least I would have minimized the risk. I just want closure, so I can close this book and get on with my life. So, I'm off to the ward on Sunday. I start my radiation therapy on Tuesday, and the transplant will be on the 11th. I will try to keep this site updated, if i don't get too tired from the radiation, :-).
In the mean time, I will relax. In fact, I'm going to go for a spa treatment this afternoon (courtesy of Ida J) to help me relax.
I hope your prayers are with me, and wish me luck. Thanks!
I'll write you from the other side. Of freedom i mean, not the other side of life. Hehe.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
will go for lung function tomorrow.
Monday, June 27, 2005
"There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know will melt away
And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you..."
Sunday, June 26, 2005
since they started doing the Syabas pipe replacements, the burglary rate has gone up around this area. i think only last week the house behind mine was broken into. i'm not blaming Syabas here, i'm merely pointing out a positive correlation in the data. hmm must remember to store all my valuables in a safe place. speaking of which, has anybody seen my digital camera?
I'm about to have my stem cell transplant in two weeks time (for leukemia). For that, I would have to be in the hospital for around 5-6 weeks. You see, I'm used to having 24 hour internet and astro access(when weather permits) at home, so i'm not sure how i will manage in the hospital without those two. (Yes, i may sound like a brat, but one can barely live without internet and satellite/cable tv these days. And no, I don't think I would ever survive on the show Survivor.)
Let me get to the point. I would like to try out the maxis 3G service, but i find that the startup cost very expensive. I personally don't mind paying the RM120/month for unlimited access. By having 3G access, i would also be able to subscribe to some of astro's video streamings that are available. I hope you could be kind enough to provide me with a free 3G card, as I have been a loyal maxis and astro customer since 2001. I know it's not a very long time, but i intend to stay a customer in the future, since there are not that many services to choose from in this country to start with.
Thank you for your consideration. You can find my email on the left side of the screen.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
I'm feeling much better now. After a lot of sleep, and hours in front of the telly, I finished Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time. It always feels good to finish something, eh? Other things to finish on my list:
- Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith
- Prince of Persia - The Warrior Within (if i could get it to load)
- Batman Returns
- My books
- My learn to speak Chinese CD
- My thesis (must start this after I get out of the hospital)
Friday, June 24, 2005
i feel a craving for fish & co fish and chips coming up. off i go! maybe i'll feel better when I'm at the mall.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
i only woke up recently, so there was no lung function test. I'll go next monday. i really have to stop this sleeping pattern! I'll start by not sleeping tonight. I'll be so tired tomorrow night that I'll get zonked out early, and wake up early on Saturday. From then on, I hope that the timing will change.
j'ai faim. very hungry indeed. i guess it's straight on to dinner for today. adieu!
got lung function test tomorrow at IPR (Respiratory Medicine Institute). Hope my lungs are functioning well, and there are no unpleasant surprises.
and so it is...
just like you said it would be
life goes easy on me
most of the time
and so it is...
the shorter story
no love no glory
no hero in her skies
can't take my eyes off of you...can't take my eyes off of you...
and so it is...
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Now that I only have a week more of outside life before I'm confined to the hospital room for the next 5 weeks, i'm starting to get reminders of what it's like to be in the hospital whenever I smell these:
- Lux Luxury Spa shower cream
- Dettol Antibacterial handwash
- Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo
- Pizza Hut
Monday, June 20, 2005
On several occasions, I have thought about what would happen if I died. Well, I have also thought about it before I got diagnosed with leukemia, but it is a thought that comes more often to my mind these days. When I saw a paper cutting where Nik Aziz said "roh tidak diterima bumi jikalau berhutang" (your spirit will not be accepted by the earth if you are in debt), i thought about my housing and car loans. When I heard about my fellow AML friends who died not even a year after diagnosis, I thought about my own chances.
All of a sudden the words "pegi mampus-lah" (go die) carries a meaning. I often catch myself with that phrase at the tip of my tongue, about to say it to a rude driver or a rude whoever, and find myself holding back. When my little brother crankily said to me "nah, pakai la computer tu sampai mati" (here, you can use the computer until you die), it made me feel sad, although it is something we quite normally say to each other.
I think about whether I should make a will. Then again, I don't have that many things to worry about, financially. Some savings, a car and house loan and a credit card. That's about it. I think about whether I should appoint someone to take down this blog and all my other Internet accounts. I think about what would happen to my cats. Would Z miss me? Would my family miss me? Would the world miss me?
As I thought about my mortality, it occured to me that I worry more about what I will be leaving behind, when I should be more worried about being in God's good books. I hope this is God's way of giving me a wake up call, a second chance to become a better person. To become aware of my own mortality and what lies beyond.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
I don't consider myself a fanatic (hahahah), but i tried to access the live telecast over the Internet just now, and it was congested!! Only managed to see some video when the whole shabang was over. bargh...
no...i'm not going to do a sultanmuzaffar. hahah!! but anyway, here's what I thought.
amylea and idayu were entertaining, as usual. yazer rocked. amy sucked to the max tonight. aidil's show had nice effects. the rest, not very impressive. i still don't get what the big deal is with mawi & felix.
there was an awkward moment before idayu's performance, when aznil asked her what she thought of men who loves to boss people around. idayu showed her little finger and said "amboi amboi amboi....!" aiyoh! nak "amboi amboi amboi" pi la masuk Cit Cat Azwan Ali. maybe she got aznil nawawi and azwan ali mixed up in her nervousness. I'm sure Aznil gets it a lot. heh heh.
i'm curious, are the students allowed to smoke cigarettes at the academy?
Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time on PS2 is quite fun! Wonder if I should spend the next two hours playing...hmmmm....
check out Shazrul's Sporadic Snaps. it's new, but it's got some very nice pictures, and more to come soon. as long as he doesn't post pictures of himself, we should all be safe. bwahahaha!
- Rob Thomas - Lonely No More
- NSync - Bye Bye Bye
- Siti Nurhaliza - Hati Kama
- Five & Queen - We Will Rock You
- B2K & P. Diddy - Bump, Bump, Bump
- Eric Benet - Love Don't Love Me
- Justin Timberlake - Rock Your Body
- Backstreet Boys - Shining Star
- Gareth Gates - Sunshine
- Jamelia - Superstar
I usually get tired at this point, but in case I get ambitious, the list continues...
- Usher - Caught Up
- Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up
- Ciara f. Missy Elliot - One Two Step
- Gareth Gates - Suspicious Minds
- Daniel Bedingfield - If You're Not The One
- Azharina - Elegi Sepi
- Akademi Fantasia - Menuju Puncak
- Britney Spears - Do Something
- SM Salim & Siti Nurhaliza - Pandang-Pandang, Jeling-Jeling
Friday, June 17, 2005
Am waiting for my dental checkup. Man it's difficult to find a parking spot around this hospital. Attempted to park at the staff parking and got shoo-ed away. I guess i didn't look like a staff, nor was i driving the right car. Many times i came in a mercedes, not once did the guard deny me a parking spot. Just not my luck today, maybe. The guard waited until i finally managed to fit my car into a supertight spot, and then told me that i'm not allowed to park there. Why didn't she tell me earlier! I told the sad story of having to go for checkup without my mum, but the guard didn't buy it. Oh well. Didn't look like a doctor, didn't have a Merc and didn't look sick enough.
Hope the dentist doesn't make me take my wisdom teeth out today.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
i bought a skirt today. i am aware that there are people who actually read my blog, so I usually try to avoid mundane details in my entries. this, however, is different. now, people who know me will know that I'm not a skirt person. (ly-d, remember when I said that I would quit my job if they force me to wear a skirt? hahaha) But i was walking in the shops just now and when I saw this skirt, I just felt like I had to have it. I really don't know when I will wear this, but i just had to have it! And now it's mine! My precious....ha ha ha.
you people were right to tell me not to listen to that man (see two posts below). I won't. It has only affected me a teeny-weeny bit, not as much as when people tell me that I will get well! Only God can say what can or cannot be cured. Not the lines on our palms. Neither could an ass who goes around telling people just that. Come to think of it, I think that guy was sick too. He had a lump on his neck, I could see. But he wouldn't (or couldn't) tell me what it is. Z told me, maybe he has given up hope, and wants everybody else to be as unhappy as him.
Am going to the shops for a bit to exchange my copy of Revenge of the Sith PS2 game. Quite a nice game. I'm playing Madagascar now. Game kiut2 la...but quite an addictive adventure game.
ps: The Datin Diaries is back!
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
however, as the day approaches, i'm feeling more scared. I'm feeling so well right now, i don't feel right about destroying everything and starting over. The Datin asked me to give her six months to try out her medicines. I cannot even begin to think about how I would start this discussion with my dad, even more so my doctor.
what the doctor said makes sense.
so did what the datin told me.
I'll have to think about this.
I met a couple of my fellow leukemia patients at the clinic this morning. Was told that a friend, another AML patient, C, passed away last monday due to lung infection. He had a better prognosis compared to me, since he went into complete remission after the first chemo cycle. He was always a kind and fun person to talk to. My condolences to his family. I'm getting increasingly worried as i hear about more patients who did not make it. First Guna, then C. I've always fancied the three of us as a gang (a muhibbah one, to add), since we are all in the same age group. I often imagine that sometime in the future the three of us would sit together and talk about this episode in our lives. But now, I am the only one still standing. I guess all i can do is pray for a good outcome for myself and the other remaining patients.
As i was waiting to see the radiotherapist earlier, a guy sat next to me and asked me what i had. I told him i have leukemia. The man said to me, "your disease, there's no cure, i tell you." Can you believe this asshole? Surprised, i told him that i did go into remission after the last chemo, so hopefully things will go well. You know what he said? "I don't want to elaborate lah, if I tell you I'm sure you'll cry." And then he asked to see my palm, and he said, "so many lines.." I don't know what the heck he was trying to say. As I was about to tell him to fuck off, the doctor called my name, and saved me from the freak. That was a disturbing encounter.
Ah...finally my name is called. i'm going to see the radiographer to take my measurements now. Laters.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Got a 0% the first round for not reading the instructions. Quite an idiot I am, yes?
After reading the instructions properly, I got a 75%. Then I got a 100%, after realizing that 4 seconds is actually quite a bit of time.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Second concert was so-so. other than Amylea, the others were just average. Mawi was especially disappointing singing Hattan's song. My favorite last night was jury Adlin a.k.a the rude LRT man.
Went to check out Proton Savvy and Perodua MyVi during the weekend. My take, if you combine the Savvy exterior and MyVi interior, you'll get the perfect car for a good price.
Not much on the leukemia front. I'm meeting the radiologist on Tuesday to talk about the radiation therapy sessions. So we'll see how it goes. I'm quite nervous about this radiation thing. Mucositis (mouth sores) down to the throat region? Gulp...
I was out at dinner with a few friends just now, and was talking about how the Datin advised me to become vegetarian if I want to get better faster. I said I would rather die than become vegetarian. I take that back. If the doctor told me that I would die tomorrow if i didn't become vegetarian, I bet I would stop eating everything, other than veggies!
Got the PS2 fixed with a new mod chip. No more annoying loader discs. What games are good these days? I'm out of the loop. Haven't touched the PS2 in a year.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Nadio's lungs 21%
Nadio's kidneys 21%
Nadio's pancreas 21%
Nadio's liver 21%
Adik-adik, makcik-makcik, pakcik-pakcik, abang-abang, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, saya ingin mengumumkan bahawa tiada organ yang akan dikeluarkan pada minggu ini. (cue: organs jumping around happily, hugging each other with tears of joy).
Hehe. Went to the doctor to review my CT scan today. Lungs, kidney, pancreas, liver all clear. There are still some lesions in the spleen, however it has reduced to more than half from the last CT Scan. So, the specialist said that there would be no need for a splenectomy! I get to keep my spleen! Woohoo! The scan report also said that there's a cyst in my right ovary (1.6x1.8cm). Spoke to my dad, and he told me not to worry about it. Ok, so I won't.
So I guess all is good. I'm scheduled to be admitted to the transplant ward on 2nd July. I will get a Hickman line inserted that day. After that, it will be 3 days of radiotherapy, then 2 days of chemo (not sure what the chemo protocol is called - will find out later). Then 1 day rest. The stem cell infusion will happen on 11th July. If all goes well, the doctor says I can be back at work after 3 months, which means October.
I asked the doctor, between relapsing after a transplant and before a transplant, which is worse. I just wanted to see if it's possible to keep the stem cell transplant as a last resort. He told me that it would be worse to relapse after a transplant, because it would show that the leukemia is really stubborn. He also added that a lot of patients who go into complete remission after the induction chemo usually do not go for stem cell transplant. But in his opinion, in my case, since I did not go into remission the first time around, he would say that I should have the transplant as soon as possible to avoid further complications. The datin advised me not to have a transplant and wait 6 more months to see if things continue to go well. It's tempting, but I think i will go with the doctor's advise.
So, from now to the transplant day, I will continue taking Voriconazole to clear off any residual infections.
Honestly, I've got to get myself more psyched up for this. After 3 months of being out of the hospital, I'm not feeling too keen for another long stay. Plus, how the heck am I supposed to follow AF3 from the Astro-less transplant ward?? Boo hoo! I think it's inhumane to not have Astro installed in hospital rooms. I believe that the quality of life will definitely increase with Astro (at least Ria) available. Hahaha!! Note: quality of life is not equal to cure rate, e.g. having satellite TV would not guarantee that I will be cured, but will definitely help me feel a lot less like a leukemia patient. But I did read somewhere that improving the quality of life increases the cure rate in cancer patients. I guess it does make sense somehow.
Ugh...and I've been eating too much chocolate. Can't bring myself to stop! As I'm typing this, I'm munching on Reese's Peanut Butter Pieces. Earlier today, I had Mark's & Spencer's Chocolate Cornflake Mini Bites, Cadbury Orange Pieces and Cadbury Trifle. I can feel my bum expanding now. Would probably wake up to a bum the size of North America. I'm counting on my transplant to lose all the weight I've gained.
Listen to me. I sound like I've got my priorities all haywire. OK, OK, I'll set it straight again. Number One: Survive leukemia & lose weight. Number Two: Survive AF3. Muahahaha!!
Power siot Mawi!!! I don't understand how Felix got to be No. 1. I'd rather Idayu have the No. 1 spot. But I'm not going to argue much, since I'm not a voter. I would only vote if there was an AFUNDI OUT. (yup, I would start with Kefli, then Reza)
Other than demam AF, I went to see the datin's assistant just now, just to browse through my acupuncture points. She told me that my points are better than most healthy people who have come to check with her. Thank God...hope my CT scans come out well tomorrow.
Cat update: Mr Frodo has been trying to mount Cookie for the past couple of days. Gross! They're siblings! Thankfully Cookie didn't respond because she has been spayed and has no desires to mate. I wouldn't want to get unhealthy inbred kittens.
Monday, June 06, 2005
my mum's new maid recently asked me why I am not working. I explained to her my situation at the moment. After 10 minutes of quietly listening, she told me maybe I kena buat dengan orang - voodoo-ed by someone. I just laughed at her comment.
Later that day, I recalled a conversation with my mum a couple of days earlier. My mum was asking me about a couple of my ex-boyfriends. i told her I don't know what happened to them. Mum advised me to read a prayer that fends off bad spirits from me. I asked her, "What has it got to do with my ex-boyfriends?" She told me, we could never know, maybe someone doesn't want me to be happy and wants me to suffer. I said, "Yeah right, whatever."
I'm not being cocky. I believe in those things. I've heard it happen to other people. But I just could not think of a circumstance where any of my ex-boyfriends would want to voodoo me. A secret admirer, perhaps? Hahahahaha! Yea I wish!
Well, maybe we could add one more possible reason to what causes leukemia. It would sound like this:
What causes leukemia?
Most causes of leukemia are not known. However, the disease has been linked to exposure to large amounts of high-energy radiation (from nuclear bombs), occupational exposure to the chemical benzene, viral infections, chemicals from cigarettes, and voodoo from disgruntled parties.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
My prediction of the next kezutans:
- The teachers decide to kick Kefli out of the academy for being annoying and "perasan kiut". Seriously, I can't stand him. Next on my list is Reza.
- M. Nasir quits his position as the Principal after a huge fight with one of the students (preferably Kefli or Reza), and Astro decides to bring Ramli MS back in. No offense, I love M Nasir, but he's just been a very uninteresting principal so far.
- Linda Jasmine and Fathee comes out with a "Learn the Menuju Puncak Dance" VCD (Seasons 1, 2, 3) to make more money for Astro. I would buy this. It looks like good exercise.
And I need to git a life!
Have a wonderful Sunday, btw.
p/s: the color scheme of this blog does not have anything to do with the AF color scheme, in case anyone is about to accuse me of being a fanatic. bwahaha!
Friday, June 03, 2005
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
i'm feeling great otherwise. i'm still on germanium, pau d'arco, selenium from the herbal datin. pau d'arco is excellent for the production red blood cells. combined with Sangobion, my Hemoglobin and red blood count readings have not gone below the minimum since I took them.
people i've met also told me that I'm looking well. :-) I take pride in looking healthy, no matter what goes on inside my bone marrow. i guess there are some perks in being ill, e.g. losing weight, getting rosy cheeks, softer new hair - how vain am I? hahaha. although given the choice, i'd rather be a fat-ass with dull skin than have leukemia.
cookie update: cookie is also up and running now, i'm guessing the pain from getting her head stuck at the electric gate has gone away. her skin has also improved for now (from the injection), but the doctor has warned us that it is only temporary, and it is the only thing he could do to keep her comfortable for the time being.