This time last year

This time last year, I was staring out of the hospital room window, watching the traffic build up.
This time last year, I watched the new year fireworks all around KL through my hospital room window.
This time last year, I was all by myself in the hospital room.
This time last year, I wondered if I would live another year.

This time, I'm getting ready to go the new year barbecue party that I missed last year.

Aight. I'm off! Have fun everyone! And be safe.

Getaway needed, a.s.a.p.

Early morning shopping at KLCC on Monday left me feeling a tad less than hot. The clothes were either too tight or too big for me. The hair stylist on Level 4 told me he couldn't help me now, but "do come back in a couple of months". Argh! And I'm facing a personal turmoil, but would rather not discuss it here for fear of sounding too whiny. So, a month after my Aussie adventure, I'm desperately in need of another getaway. It started simple enough, maybe a session at my facial place with mum. A few hours later, I had a list of things I'd like to do. As I'm writing this, I'm half-way through an online reservation at Shangri-La Putrajaya. Half-way being the keyword - because suddenly all sorts of other options came to mind, such as:

• A day at Genting Highlands
• Colmar Tropicale, Bukit Tinggi
• Half day at Dewi Sri Spa, Plaza Damas
• Steak at Jakes
• Singapore
• A night at Cyberview Lodge & Spa
• Half day with a genius hair stylist (know one, anyone?)
• Half day at old house, to collect clothes that were way too small for me a year ago, which will fit me loosely today

Note that all the options include activities that will leave me feeling fabulous. Oh dear, I'm starting to sound "soooo SJP*," as my friend would put it. Well ladies, a girl's gotta lurrvve herself, right? Anybody leaking pus out of their brains yet? Hahaha.

So I guess I'll spend today just taking my work trousers to the tailor for alteration. Then maybe a facial with my mum. Perhaps Shangri-La tomorrow night.

Well, have a happy new year everyone, wherever you plan to be! Mine will be the usual, which is anywhere convenient.

Ciao!

* SJP: Sarah Jessica Parker

Seeing Through People

Don't you just wish sometimes that you could see through people? Perhaps to read their thoughts, so you could make your next move? Or don't you just wish sometimes that people could see through you, so you never have to say a word?

D50 tip from WAB. Note to torque: You punya Leica tu bleh buat camni ke? Hihihihi!

Oh, Merry Christmas everyone!

2006 minus 9 days

I was cleaning up my office laptop just now, and suddenly felt a rush coming through my head. I start work in less than a month! After 1 year and 3 months of not working (and getting used to it), I suppose I'll have to take it one day at a time, until I get my groove back. Yup after that we can make a movie of How Nadio Got Her Groove Back. hehe. Wait. Did I even have a groove back then? hmm...nervous!! Well, I guess Boss was right when he told me, "don't worry, we'll start you slowly." Not too slow, I hope.

Flashback Thursday, 2nd September 2004. Morning in the office - I was telling aina and gang that I was feeling very tired. They saw the pale look on my face and suggested that I go home and rest. That was the last day I was at work, until now. I don't think I did much work that week anyway, what with the Merdeka Holidays and all. Oh well, it seems like that day was ages ago, everytime I try to recall it.

I suppose it's time of the year where everybody starts writing down their resolutions, hopes and wishes for the new year. Here's mine:

1. Stay in remission (next bone marrow biopsy on 5th Jan. erk, is that in 2 weeks' time?)
2. Grow hair (pakai shampoo Tongkat Ali ok ke?)

I've a longer list of things to do by year-end:

1. Get ready for work - clothes, laptop, etc.
2. Start sleeping and waking up like normal working people, not like a Batu Caves bat
3. Get all my MBA stuff ready (got really inspired after reading Dino's postings)

Adios.

Three Weddings and a Funeral

Yup. That's what I did today. A sad rainy day at a tahlil arwah improved as the day progressed. A family lost a member, six families gained sons and daughters. A survival of the human race.

Since it's almost the end of the year, it got me to thinking about my own gains and losses. People I've met told me how much weight I have lost. And I thought...yea, among other things. In one unbelievable year, I've lost my health, time, and a person I cared about. I've lost the freedom to do things without worrying if I would have adverse reactions, e.g. playing with my cats, eating salads, drinking unboiled water, etc. But then I started thinking about what I have gained. The knowledge. The realization that my family would do just about anything for me. The learning that good friends will always be around, even if love doesn't last forever. The different way of looking at life. The validation that God is always there to help us out.

I guess life is fair after all, and in the end everything balances out. Personally, I think I have gained more this year than I have lost. And the cycle continues as life goes on.

Here's to a special year, and good things coming.

Al-Fatihah

As the outing with the girls (and boys + baby) was just starting to pick up pace, I received a phone call saying that one of our seniors passed away at 9PM. She had Mixed Connective Tissue Disease and became critical in the past couple of weeks. She was 30. My last communication with her was 5 months ago, it was a thank you email for the "good luck" Spa Treatment she bought me before I had my stem cell transplant. We were both on the same medication that causes hair loss, and there were many hilarious emails exchanged debating the best ways to deal with it (wigs? tudung? au naturel?). Despite her own illness and having lost her father to cancer recently, she always encouraged me to be strong and to face my challenges head on.

My heartfelt condolences to her mother and sisters.

To a very special person who fought till the end. Al-fatihah.

Day +155

Blood counts OK, but liver enzymes still elevated. Planned for a liver ultrasound and Bone Marrow Biopsy in January. Since I had Refractory AML, Doc planned for my brother to donate his lymphocytes to minimize my chances of having a relapse. Medication-wise, Doc reduced the Ciclosporin, and stopped my Bactrim. He instead gave me Pentamidine through a nebulizer, which extended my visit to the clinic to an extra two hours..I was so bored that i fell asleep with the nebulizer covering my nose.

D50 tak D50...last2 camera Nokia jugak yang handy. Hehehe

I had to inhale the Pentamidine until it dried up. Yuck.

Reflections

Went to see Narnia with Pak Mok and Z last weekend. I thought the book was better than the movie. Oh well, it's always that way anyway, innit?

Slow weekend, otherwise. Spent a couple of hours reflecting upon my life. The Friday night out with friends and new friends was rather exciting, I thought. Perhaps the discontinuation of the steroids has reduced my self-conciousness. It felt awesome!


Reflections by the lake, from my Nokia lens.

Subsequent reflection photos will be shot through my brand new Nikon D50, which I'm very excited about. Still trying to learn the ropes on that camera, hoping the shots will be worth the money I spent. He he he!

Off to the doc's again tomorrow. Have a feeling everything will be well.

Aah..life is good, I say.

Pictures from the highway

I just love how striking this building is


And this...very disturbing

Livin' it up

Been itching for interesting things to do since Tuesday, so I decided to spend my days like a tourist in KL. First stop, National Monument. Spent an hour plus there snapping photos, and I was sweating like crazy already.

Go here for more piccies. I guess the Lake Gardens will have to wait another day.

Cerita pasal penyakit

Haven't written about my leukemia for quite a while, because there's nothing much to write, really. I hope in time there will be no more to write about and we can forget about the whole ordeal.

To cut a short story shorter, let's just say that everything is turning out well, thus far. Alhamdulillah.

Australia 2005

Strolling by the harbours,
Waiting for sunset by the beaches,
Lazing in the gardens,
Sipping lattes in the cafes,
Munching on cakes everywhere,
Having dinner by the river,
Watching the birds near the wharfs,
Poring over city maps,
Driving along the Great Ocean Road.
And this I must say,
I had a wonderful wonderful time away,
Though it was for a very short stay,
Where my only problem was deciding what to do day after day.
If a time came where I had nothing to do after a whole day,
I pick a beautiful spot and just idle around for a couple of hours,
and let my troubles slip away.
(eh, berpantun pulak aku ni ye...)


Resting my feet at Manly, while watching kids play in the cold sea water.

I'll let the pictures do the talking. For more, click here.

selamat pulang

My heart sank as the aircraft lost its altitude for landing in KL, just like it soared when the plane was taking off for Sydney two weeks ago. I had a blast with the temporary escape in the land of no worries, exploring cities and enjoying the cooler temperature. Am now landed back to reality, feeling rather down. Not that i don't miss my family and friends, i just wish i could stay there longer.

Will upload pictures soon.

Finally, with my very own eyes!

The Sydney Opera House. Though magnificent, I thought it was a bit overrated. Much like when I went up the Eiffel Tower in '98. he he he.

Can't write much. I'm having a blast here just idling around getting a feel of the city. Ciao!

1 day to go

First stop: Sydney
Goal: Peace of mind


Picture borrowed from www.austspiritsailingco.com.au

See you in a few weeks. With my own pictures.

KLIA Mosque

Went to see an old friend at the Concorde Inn KLIA yesterday and stopped by the mosque to take pictures.



For a couple more, click here.

Lagu feylong di malam hari

I've been dying to use the word feylong since I haven't heard it in 10 years. Then, like magic, out came this song. Lagu paling feylong dalam dunia. hahaha.

Brian Mcknight's One Last Cry
"...one last cry, before i leave it all behind..i gotta get you out of my mind, for the very last time..been livin' a lie...i guess I'm down to my last cry..."

Since I've been feeling rather down, I thought I might take a trip to the land of down under for some rest and fresh air. Couldn't wait to book my flight after getting an OK from the doctor today, but now I can't seem to find the bloody passport. Yeesh! Why do these things always go missing when you need them? Geram betul lah! I think got toyol lah. Will keep looking tomorrow.

Visit to the doctor's office today was good. My blood counts are normal for my standards. The liver enzymes are also improving though still on the high side. I'm off the prednisone - the steroid that gave me the bloatedness. The doctor said that in three weeks time he'll reduce the other steroid (cyclosporine) if things continue to go well. Received a copy of the official bone marrow biopsy report which said that my brother's stem cells have engrafted well in my body.

I quote James Brown,
"I feel good..(te-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne-ne) I knew that I would. So good, so good..I got you. Whoa!"

Till then.

Words of wisdom from my old man

"You must believe there is a hikmah behind everything that happens. When you got ill, it wasn't just a test for you, it was also a test for everybody else around you. Some are just not strong enough to get through it and it's normal. Remember though, it's not the end of the world for you."

Yes, dad.

"You know, you've been through a lot worse. The way I see it, your main concern now should be your health. Everything else is secondary. I don't want you to get stressed out by these kind of things, you understand? Do you think you can manage that?"

I don't know, dad. I guess so.

"When you stress your mind, you stress your body, which is not what you need right now. Just try not to think about it. OK?"

OK dad.

Painful Truth

Many of us say we always want to hear the truth. But most of the time, when the truth gets thrown into our faces, we are never always strong enough to take it, especially, especially when it comes to a painful truth. Maybe it's better to be kept in the dark, strung along, hung by a thread or however people put it, because that way, the pain becomes more bearable. Maybe not. No man was born with a contract that life will be fair to him. Pain will come, but it will also go. We, as human beings, will just have to manage it in our own ways.

From the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy, one of Dr Grey's many ponderings:

"As surgeons, there are so many things we have to know. We have to know we have what it takes. We have to know how to take care of our patients, and how to take care of each other. Eventually, we even have to figure out how to take care of ourselves. As surgeons, we have to be in the know. But as human beings, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark. Because in the dark, there may be fear, but there's also hope." (Cut scene to end of episode)

Kucing

Nothing better to do on Hari Raya, so I started taking photos of Cookie and Alf.

Check here for a few more.

Boy problems?

Ok, I've just found out that people are talking about Z and me. (Popular jugak kitorang ni, eh? hahaha) Anyway, whatever is happening between us, it doesn't make either Z or me a bad person. We're all old enough to understand that problems occur in our lives, so we either fix it, or we don't. It doesn't mean that I'm not sad though. :-) One day I'll look back and laugh about this. Whatever the outcome is, he is my friend, and I will always be thankful to him for being there for me through my most difficult times.

I was watching House, MD the other day, and in one scene Dr House described to Dr Cameron the 5 Stages of Grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger/Resentment
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Don't know which stage I'm in. They seem all jumbled up now. hehehe..

Enough lah. I said no more kisah cinta, didn't I? Will get back to kisah cinta when there's something happier to tell.

Selamat hari raya...I nak go baca buku masak2. Bye!

Gambar-gambar Haiwan

Dead Mosquitoes


Cat Carpet

Cuti Cuti

I want to go on a long long holiday, where I can forget about my problems for a while. Been surfing the net for places to go. Angan2 je lah, the doctor and mum probably wouldn't let me travel so soon after the transplant anyway. hehe...Here's what I like so far:

• London
• Dubai
• Dublin
• Johannesburg
• Tokyo
• San Fransisco
• Los Angeles
• Melbourne
• Perth

I feel like using all my insurance money to travel the world. I was planning to save it in case I get ill again, so...can personal problems be considered an illness? He he he...

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes...you might find
You get what you need
(Rolling Stones)

Best pulak lagu Rolling Stones ni "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

One more day puasa. Off to more holiday destination surfing.

Happy festivities!

Mee maggi,
Cepat dimasak,
Sedap dimakan.

After more than a year, boy did that maggi kari taste benissimo this morning. Nyum nyum!

HAPPY DEEPAVALI & SELAMAT HARI RAYA TO EVERYBODY. Yes, YOU!
Jangan main mercun sampai putus tangan ye!

ps: has anybody ever gone to that fair next to 1-Utama? I saw some rides there, and suddenly felt like riding the ferris wheel. How much to get in?

A Prayer

Dear God,

With You showing the way, I made a decision today. You know what it is. Three months ago, it never crossed my mind that I will have to take that action ever. But today, it happened. This has been the most difficult year for me, for You have tested my strength physically and mentally. I know I forget to think about You sometimes, but I am always grateful for the blessings that you have given me. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, and I pray to You that this decision I have made is for the best. Thank you.

"Ya Allah, janganlah Engkau biarkan dosa meliputi diri kami, melainkan Engkau mengampuni kami dan tidak ada sesuatu kesempitan melainkan Engkau beri jalan keluar, dan tidak ada pula sesuatu hajat yang mendapat kerelaanMu, melainkan Engkau kabulkan."

Amin.

Addendum: And please let me sleep tonight, for I haven't slept in two days playing Destroy All Humans, thus forgetting my obligations to You. Amin.

Syok sendiri

I was so shiok sendiri all this while that I never realized some people get a distorted version of my blog. Thanks to Torqxic for pointing it out. Here are two screen captures. You can click on the image to enlarge it. Anyone who always gets a page like the first picture, show me your hand!



I'll have to fix this now. Not that people care, yes I know that. I just can't stand knowing that there's an imperfection, argh! Thanks for giving me something to do now, Torque!

meeting new people, making new friends

I was never very good at meeting new people. It feels safer to just hide behind familiar walls; the family, friends and colleagues that I regularly talk to. Recently I have lost a big portion of the familiarity that I have amassed over the past few years, and I learned that I will need to make some adjustments. I don't even know if I feel happy or sad. Most of the time, I just feel highly disoriented, like a lost soul trying to find its way home. Ok fine...not really like a lost soul la, maybe more like me trying to get to Mutiara Damansara but somehow finding myself in the middle of nowhere in Kota Damansara. Hehehe.

So, I decided to meet new people.

In over a year, I haven't really made new friends, other than my doctors, nurses and fellow patients. I never realized how nervous I was until I decided to join a couple of friends who were seeing their friends tonight. Almost turned my car around because I wasn't sure if I was up to it. Do I dare? I kept asking myself. Don't even know what I'm scared of, actually. :-) All I know is that these days, I get nervous easily when I have too much company, especially when I can't bring myself to concentrate on the conversation.

And of course, the new people I met were very nice. I'm glad I decided to brave it tonight. Come January when I start work, there will be a lot more people to meet, so it's better that I start getting comfortable with that right now.

Here's to making new friends, and keeping the old ones.

Cheers.

Finally...!

After almost a month of fasting, I finally got my chance to walk through the pasar ramadhan. Unfortunately, nothing looked particularly appetizing to me. The food in the stalls were not covered and flies were all over the place. Yuck. There was a blueberry cheesecake that looked rather nice, but I wouldn't be able to tell whether they were actually blueberries or dead flies. Eww!

Here are some pictures anyway...




Ok...selamat berbuka!

Day +108

Everything's going almost fine. I say almost because things are generally OK, but yet to be perfect. Like a car lah, got to fine tune here and there. Hehe..

I had an ultrasound of my abdomen on Day +100, and everything looks normal (liver, pancreas, kidneys, etc etc).

Last Monday (Day +105) I went for my review at the clinic. My liver function test from last 2 weeks showed that my liver enzymes have shown improvement, but the numbers are still high. At this point we're not sure whether it's GVH or liver infection. The doc has decided to monitor it for a few more weeks. If the levels do not drop and there are no external signs of GVH (e.g. vomiting or/and diarrhea), he'll have to do a liver biopsy to ascertain the problem.

Funny thing, the body. I haven't had any nausea or diarrhea in months. Not even 24 hours after the doctor told me that he would have to biopsy my liver since I didn't show any sign of GVH, I started having diarrhea and nausea. Probably my mind telling the body to show some sign of GVH because it doesn't want to go through another biopsy for as long as I live. heh! Logik ke?

Slept from midnight on Monday through buka puasa time on Tuesday (in between visits to the bathroom). Woke up with a mild headache, probably from oversleeping. Feel much better today, after recovering from the diarrhea and nausea.

My blood counts were OK, although they could be better: WBC 3.3, Hb 9.0, Platelets 176.

Hopefully we'll see some improvements in the next 2 weeks. :-)

Over and out.

Al-fatihah...

to Datin Seri Endon,


and Tan Sri Azizan.


for more Putrajaya pictures, visit nadios.fotopages.com

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer..."

The boy continued to listen to his heart as they crossed the dessert. He came to understand its dodges and tricks, and to accept it as it was. He lost his fear, and forgot about his need to go back to the oasis, because, one afternoon, his heart told him that it was happy. "Even though I complain sometimes, " it said, "it's because I'm the heart of a person, and people's hearts are that way. People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasure that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly."

(Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist)

Yup. I've got nothing to write about these days. Apart from feeling sad about the passing of Datin Seri Endon, things with me have been going great. I've got a few entries in draft mode because I am too scared to push the Publish button. Want to bitch about the way Habib Jewels in Ampang treated us last week, but am too lazy to do so. Suffice to say I'm never stepping into another Habib Jewels store for a very long time.

Have a wonderful weekend, fellas.

Aquaria @ KL

Visited the Aquaria while waiting for buka puasa just now. Nice, but I wish there was a bit more to see. It was fun, though.



for more pictures, click here.

Day +100

Today is my Day +100 post transplant. According to my BMT handbook, I can now go out without having to wear my mask.

There were days when I questioned myself, Would I ever get that far?
There were times when reaching 100 days felt like 100 years.
There were days I surfed around the Internet and admired the people who got through their 100 days and wished I was them.
And Alhamdulillah, here I am today, 100 days post transplant and doing quite well. Thanks to every single person who supported me, e.g. my parents, my brothers, my friends, my bosses, my online support group, the medical team; it would have been difficult for me to come to this day on my own. (I was planning to use this for when I receive my Academy Award, but this came first..so..heheh)

I don't claim to be a better person, but there are some things that I've learned when dealing with a critical illness. Well, I guess I already knew some of them back then, if you read back my first posting since I was diagnosed, but here they are anyway (plus some more):

• Try to be brave, positive, strong and all that.
• Have a sense of humour.
• Keep yourself happy, don't let little things upset you. Even if for some reason you become unhappy, just try to act happy and soon enough you will be happy.
• Evaluate your options and try to understand what is going on.
• Keep track of your developments. Keep a journal. Understand what medications you are taking and what they are for. Make sure the nurses give you the correct medication (yes, they are trained, but they are human too).
• Take it one day at a time. Don't worry too much. Trust that things will work themselves out.
• Stay focused. There will be people coming to your door trying to help you by telling you what works and what doesn't. People like to tell you what to do - it gives them a sense of helping out. Thank them, but most importantly, just focus on the few things that are really useful for you.
• Keep your family close.
• Eat well (I'm still struggling with this until now).
• If you're immunosuppressed but you feel like eating something that you're not advised to, e.g. a burger or mamak curry, never forget to baca Bismillah and hope that whatever you're about to eat is safe, heheh.
• Pray. As often as you could.

Here's to another 100 days. Cheers.

Miscellaneous Reviews

Things I've been doing that are depriving me of sleep. Thank goodness I'm not working (yet) hihihi..

Listening to Craig David's Don't Love You No More (I'm Sorry). It's got some Gabrielle/boyband-ish zing to it, which I like. I just like it ok, lagu ini tiada kena mengena dengan yang hidup atau mati. Ahahahaahaa..! I wish I could share the music here, but since I can't, i'll just share the chorus:

"...Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, you're gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more..."

Reading books. I just finished Who Moved My Cheese and just about to start on The Alchemist. I really don't know why I never bothered to read the cheese book before. It is actually quite a good read, with loads of lessons to learn from, not only at work, but in life. A couple of years ago my company went through a major change. They probably could've executed the change better if they had made everybody read and really understand the story. I think I saw some powerpoint slides being emailed around, but nobody really took charge of it. Oh well. Maybe it will be useful for future programs.

Playing Kingdom Hearts. An adventure game that combines both Square and Disney characters, you won't get enough of it. I certainly couldn't stop playing it until I got stuck at one point and was too lazy to find the walkthrough on the Internet. The character's name is Sora, who started in an island, and constantly wondered if there are other worlds out there. Initially worried about leaving the safety of his own home, he decided to venture into the excitement of the unknown. Eh, somehow this reminds me of the cheese book pulak! ;-)

Okay...jom berbuka! Lapar ni...

A nice surprise (or not?)

This is Fazley. People say he's going out with Siti Nurhaliza. Do you think he's handsome?


I was looking for some paper just now, and found this on my desk. I remember vaguely my youngest brother telling me that he got it from a motivation seminar conducted by Fazley in his school several months ago. (Don't ask. I don't know how he got from singing to motivating). I never touched it since it wasn't mine. But today I was desperate.


I opened the notepad to start writing, and I shuddered when I saw it. There it was, an autograph from Fazley, addressed to me! How exciting! Now who wouldn't kill for an autograph from Fazley?


I know two people who would be so jealous when they see this. Keh keh keh.

My little brother is such a sweet and thoughtful fella. Little brother, I said Yusry lah wey....NOT Fazley!! Not in a million years!

Sheeesh! Men never listen, do they?

Day +96

Had my first buka puasa out of the house today:



Check out Craig David's latest - The Story Goes. Actually it's not so latest la, but I just got it today, and it's pretty good, if you like Craig David. My favorite tracks: All The Way, Do You Believe in Love, One Last Dance and Separate Ways (ala2 espagnol).

What's Hot? (Part II)

This posting is in reference to this previous post.

I was fiddling around with my friendster account today, and noticed that my Friendster's "Popular searches in my network" list has gotten worse...here goes:

1. henjut
2. diramas
3. posisi jimak
4. terlondeh baju
5. malam paling panjang
6. sepupu 1
7. pakcikku
8. selak kain
9. signs that he likes you
10. kucup

WTF??? Astaghafirullah, kan ke bulan Ramadhan ni? Bawak-bawak la bertaubat weyy...I tried clicking on the first item, just to see where it would take me. Whoa...trust me, you don't want to go there. Well, unless you're one of those erotica-loving wankers! I'll give 10 bucks to anyone who finds "niat solat tarawih" in their list. hehehe...

Si Gemok dan Si Comel

Louie and his master Sean
(fatty cat's got a bigger belly than the boy!)

Terkenang kembali....

Reunions are always fun, aren't they? I have never managed to make it to my school reunions for various reasons. I imagine it would be very comforting, to meet your friends again after all these years. Some 100+ girls (women now), who along your five-year stint in high school, must have touched your life somehow, be it your clique of friends or someone you briefly organized something with. Year after year, you meet these friends. You wonder why you never bothered to keep in touch with most of them. You wish you did. But you smile, because although you don't really know the details of their current lives, you are glad that you shared a wonderful past together. And you seek comfort in the fact that although they look different now, and will continue to, they are still the same people you knew from a while back, with the same laughs, same smiles and same hearts.

Bangun pukul 3, pastu jiwang sorang2

Yeah...come on! Sing with me!!

"...Mampukah ku alun kesemua tawamu
Menjadi melodi menemani diriku
Dapatkah kita memahami jalinan suci
Apakah ertinya kasih sayang ini

Berikanlah masa untuk difikirkan
Apa yang terbaik bagi meneruskan
Percintaan ini
Yang terpendam di jiwa..."

(Sahri - Memori Bahagia)

After hospital

I woke up to a dreary morning. (Actually I didn't sleep, but anyway) The sky was dark and cloudy and it was hard for me to be optimistic about my results today. But alas, rain fell, and when I walked out of the clinic this morning, the day was bright and clear.

Alhamdulillah, my bone marrow test came out well. The doctor said that I am in remission, and they did not detect any blast cells in my marrow. My next Bone marrow biopsy will be in another 4 months. My blood counts are fine, and my liver enzymes has shown some improvement, although the numbers are still high. I'll have an ultrasound of the liver next week to make sure everything's A-OK.

And really, thanks to all your prayers for me, because I sometimes still forget to do it for myself.

lagi2 cerita cinta, tak habis2!

He says, "i really don't know right now."

You turn a blind eye on something, and suddenly life turns inside out and you don't know what just hit you. You thought that something was your ally, keeping things afloat, but now it has turned against you and become your enemy, and you never saw it coming.

Here's what happened to a person i know, who like me, has been ill for a while. Her health is improving tremendously, but now her heart is breaking. What do you do with a broken heart? You can kill off your bone marrow with chemo and radiation and generate new cells. But a broken heart? You can't zap it off with radiation. You can only heal it with time. How much time, it really is up to you. And how strong a person you are. Unless you want to kill yourself with high-doses of radiation and die of a broken heart...but that would be just sad. Plus no radiotherapist will agree to do that to you, so not a chance.

She cried, although she doesn't really feel sad. Is it because she saw it coming? Or is it because she thinks there's still hope? She told me, it's strange, it felt worse when she was wildly wondering what was going on. Now that she knows, she can decide what her next action should be. I thought about it. It was just like when I didn't know I had leukemia. I knew that I wasn't physically well, so when I looked up my symptoms on the Internet, it could have just been normal anemia or up to a variety of cancers. It was a lot more worrying than when the doctors confirmed I had leukemia. Because when I knew, I could then set my mind on how I would get better. I think it's the same case with this friend of mine, although at this moment she must think her situation is a lot worse than mine.

This person is a rational, logical person (she was rather good at math, hehe). She said that if she was told today, straight in the face, that there is absolutely no hope, sure, she'll be upset for a while. She would go home, cry for an hour, speak to a girlfriend for another hour and get on with her life. After all, you can't force how another person feels about you, can you? So why bother too much about it? Agreed. But when you're left with a bit of hope that things will work out, aah, that's different. You're stuck in between wildly wondering and certainty. In a state of limbo. Purgatory. Whatever they call it. What should she do? Should she (1) fight for it like she fought for her life, or (2) should she just abandon all hope and get on while her pride is still intact? Having been brought up in a school where pride conquers all, she is tempted to lean towards option no. 2. But having cared deeply for someone for years, no. 1 doesn't seem like too bad an idea after all, if you sort of sweep the pride part aside for a second. I really don't know what she will do. She's smart. I trust that once she manages to separate the problem from her emotions, she will have her solution. And everybody will see her smiling again in no time, no matter how bad she feels inside.

She said that her body was literally shaking, and I don't think it's the effect of her medication or the air-conditioning in her room. I told her to go lie down and go to sleep, and forget about everything for now.

You know what, enough of this. No more stories of broken hearts. Whatever happens to me, or that person I know. We'll go back to cat pictures and leukemia updates from now on. Or articles on what-to-eat for buka puasa. (Yes! I managed to puasa yesterday! Way to go, me!)

Wish me luck for my bone marrow test results today. At least for me something will become certain soon. :-) I'll worry about the rest at another time, in another place. Not in here.

Sir Winston Churchill once said, "If you're going through hell, keep going."

and at the risk of sounding like a blogging cliche (nyehehe..), because, my friend, this too, shall pass.

Pictures like these...

...never fail to put a smile on my face.


I'm telling you...i WILL jump!


Splat..!


Oh God, can somebody take that little thing away from me! It looks like a rat!


Too..much..programming...still a lot of these to read..will catch on some sleep first.

Lagi gambar2 terbaru

Saki baki keropok lekor Rasta

Haven't been snacking at places like these other than the odd mamak shop for a while now, and I can't believe I just paid RM9.70 for some keropok lekor, a roti kaya and a nescafe tarik. Wow! Whatever it is, it definitely satisfied my week-long crave for Rasta's keropok lekor. I wish I had taken a picture of the RM3.00 roti kaya though, just to show the injustice of it all, too bad my brother gobbled it all up before the idea came to me.

Do excuse the randomness of my post, but I just have to share this!


Hair growth status

Day +92 - It's now about 5 millimeters long. I was watching TV one day and saw a Pantene ad that claimed fast hair-growth. Luckily there was some of that shampoo in the house so I decided to give it a shot. I really don't know whether it was the shampoo or that my hair was going to grow anyway after 3 months of of baldness, but there it is! Soft little bristles that I can't help but touch every few minutes...

Good nite!

ahhhhhh how liberating

I feel good today. My bone marrow aspiration went without a hitch, despite the sedation only kicking in after the procedure was done. Thankfully I insisted that the nurse call the consultant to do it, and the doc was a real pro. Now I just wait for the results, and hope for the best. So that one problem down, and a couple more to go.

Secondly, after months of "ding-dong"-ing over the phone, wasting a lot of energy on rage and anger, I finally decided to a confrontation. Went over to HSBC to settle the dispute, pay all my balance and cancel my cards. Man, it was like ending a really bad relationship. I was in a bit of a dilemma over whether I should cancel the card initially. They have discounts in almost all the shops that I love. Then yesterday, they called me with another problem. They said my cheque was returned, so my payment could not be made. I asked, "How come?" and the officer told me that the amount was probably not enough, or that there was some other error. OK. That was it - enough was enough for me, no matter how good the rewards program is.

So I told the customer service guy that I wasn't happy with their services and wanted to cancel my cards. The cancellation went without a fight. My brother was probably right, under my name there's probably a warning that said "Beware: Bitchy Customer." Ha ha. The officer even wrote the cancellation letter for me, explaining that I am paying all my balance, minus the disputed amount and the finance and late charges. I think I should've felt insulted, because he didn't even try to pursuade me to stay with the bank. Instead I felt free. Liberated. I know I won't have to bother with this bank again for the rest of my life. Plus, I can always use my other cards. Their rewards programs are not as exciting, but they never give me trouble and they serve their purpose. And that's another problem down, still a couple more to go. :-)

Thanks to The Kimster, who said to me yesterday, "don't settle." (Yes kimmy, i know we were talking about something else entirely, but the concept is the same, innit?)

Babies..babies..and friends

Despite all the negativity on Friday, I managed to get through Saturday without fretting much about anything. There's nothing like a visit from your long time friends to make your day. To add icing to the cake, there was a husband who cracked silly jokes and a cute little cheeky baby. Ah, it was just wonderful.

After that we all went to another friend's house, who has a 1+ month old baby who is just so bulat! Such a peaceful baby too, she just sleeps most of the time, despite having aunties around her noisily chatting away.

After buka, I went for a drink with a couple of friends who's got a handsome little boy. He's 5 years old, but still a baby in his own way. Gave him a KitKat bar and watched him run around the restaurant high with sugar.

So, a toast to thank babies Arina, Arianna and Sean who really did make my day. Oh, and my friends too...hahaha! :-) See you guys soon!

Think where man's glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such friends. -(Yeats)

Oh yes, while we're on the subject of achy-breaky hearts this week, do check out Datin's latest entry titled Fabulous. Not that I'm having an affair with a high-powered man, but somewhere in that entry, something touched my heart somehow.

Enjoy!

Time...to think?

When someone tells you that she/he needs some time to her/himself to think about things re: your relationship, that's gotta be kind of bad, does it? Oh, the number of times I've used that line on people and vice versa. After a while you sort of catch on on why people say that. Only this time I really hope things will turn out OK, because it has sort of become one of my motivations to get rid of the leukemia, and it has got me this far.

I guess the good thing is that fretting about this will definitely take my mind off worrying about my upcoming bone marrow test this Monday. Though I'd actually rather not be fretting about anything at all, in an ideal life. ;-)

Now I'm going to take some time off to think about my bone marrow test. Haven't thought about that in a while. Wish me best of luck. Bone marrow test and everything.

Pasar Ramadhan

Kelana Jaya Pasar Ramadhan

This was as far as I dared to venture today - about 100 meters from the first stall. It looked like a human barricade, probably infested with germs which could be lethal for an immunosuppressed person like me. So I got back into the car and watched people walk by with their bags full of goodies, hoping that next Ramadhan I will be well enough to brave through this street.

Quelques images

More pictures found in my phone!

My cats have taken to roaming around the neighborhood, only coming back once or twice a week for food. I'm not sure who feeds them the rest of the week, because they seem to get fatter everytime I see them. Only Cookie remains my true companion, hanging about in the garden every day. Too bad I can't touch her since she's still got those skin cancer lesions all over her body.


Frodo trying to look sexy


Cookie-in-a-bag (macam chicken-in-a-bag)


My Banana Boat. Wear Yellow! LIVESTRONG!

From phone calls to life to grass

Boy, am I really in the mood to post these days.

Have you ever known a person who just stops calling you for no apparent reason? It really is mind boggling, trying to figure out what is going through that person's mind, without having to directly ask. It is especially puzzling, when the person is someone you talk to almost everyday. You don't remember what went wrong, except that when you spoke last, you felt that things with that last conversation didn't end up too well. But you really, honestly didn't think it was your fault. You wanted to say some mean things but held your tongue just because you hate to argue. So you hang up. You just don't have the energy to argue anymore after all these years. Plus, if you start an argument, you know exactly what happens. You don't speak for several days, then you finally give in and make the phone call. And you both act as if nothing has happened, you don't talk about it, and life goes on. Nobody mentions the communication gap again. And it makes you feel like an absolute shithead. You wonder how the heck other people deal with it. Try talking about it? Bargh, you won't even know how to start, because you know you'll end up being called too sensitive. And you know that you're not that sensitive, but somehow you still feel like a lesser person. So, everytime it happens, you keep it mostly to yourself, and hope that it doesn't grow into a tumor. Because then you'll be a shithead with a tumor. You don't want that. No way.

At times like these, you start comparing yourself to other people. You hear about the boy who sends flowers and chocolates to his girlfriends on Valentine's day. You hear about the friend who threw a surprise birthday party for her best friend. You hear your friends telling stories of how very much in love they are, how life is going so well for them. You hear about people who genuinely love their jobs. You hear about people surviving cancer. You imagine - how sweet. Other people's lives always seem better. How you long for your life to be perfect all the time, but you know that's just wishful thinking. Then you remember the saying, be thankful with what you have, the grass on the other side of the fence always looks greener. You're thankful, but sometimes you can't help yourself but think - maybe the grass is actually greener over there. The question is, dare you venture to the other side? Or do you stay and work with the grass that you already have, and try to make it look as green as the grass across the fence? Does that make you a coward?

What will you do? You decide to go to bed because you realized that it's almost 2AM. And you hope to wake up tomorrow chilling out in greener pastures. The same ones, or the ones across the fence, you don't really care, as long as it's greener.

What's Hot?

I was checking my Friendster page today and as I scrolled down, I found this column at the side, "Popular searches in my network".

Here they are:

1. selak kain
2. kucup
3. zodiac love match
4. awek ku
5. kena main
6. terlondeh baju
7. henjut
8. sharifah aleya
9. louis vuitton handbag
10. ramalan jodoh

Can you get a feel of the main theme of the list? Makes me wonder what kind of perverts are lurking around in my network of friends. Jeez. What the hell is the matter with these people? Get a life!

What's in your friendster search list?

I got questions, You got answers

1. Once you've uploaded an image to the blogger server, is there any way to delete it? Sometimes i upload the picture medium size, and turns out that I want to upload it small, so can I delete the medium size that I've uploaded before?
2. Does anyone know what time and day the talk show hosted by Nina Sharil airs on TV every week?
3. Where can I buy a good Chicken Tikka Masala?
4. When does the school holiday start? Coz I want to visit this and this, before the crowd goes wild!

Gambar2 terbaru

my beloved Olympus is having a holiday in Chenderoh, Perak, snapping pictures of a boy and his friends who will be graduating high school soon. Will have to make do with my camera phone for the next couple of months.


Door of possibilities - my doctor's room


Dude donating his stem cells


Tosai...yummy yummy


Ghetto Superstar!