boo hoo

looks like i'm definitely going to miss Living with Tigers now. They want to keep me here until Monday at least. aaaaaarghhh...i need to go home!! I have been admitted since 15th November! That is 45 days in the hospital!! i want to go home and take a nice long shower, sleep in my bed, look at my cats and laze around in front of the TV. And I want to be out of this kain batik and back into my track bottoms!

I know, it's just 4 more days, but I can't stand this anymore!

Btw, good news. Nurse said that on the 4th, my brother, me and my parents have to go to the clinic for Transplant Counseling. Looks like I have a donor. The doctor have actually told me a few times over the past couple of weeks that I have a match, but I refuse to get too excited in case they got the info wrong..there are so many patients here. So I guess that's good news. Don't know for sure what the plan is, but the doc said they're planning for a stem cell transplant at the end of Jan 2005.

Ok la, better log out before I get another stiff neck and headache.

some questions for friends

rina: can u give me your recipe for lasagna? remember u used to bring it back to school dulu? I don't want to buy from the shops coz they're always too oily..

everybody else: does anybody know who the franchise owner for Subway Sandwiches in Malaysia is? I want to write them a complain letter.

Phew.....feeling much2 better today. Last night mum went to see a researcher at a local university. She specializes in herbal medicine. So mum got some ginger tea and some herbal pills. Combined with the prescribed antibiotics, lingzhi, Ensure, Nutriblend, various doa, etc, i'm definitely feeling better now.

I should get some rest...best not to count your eggs too soon, eh?

selfish me...

the words i wrote last night...complaining of pain here and there, unable to sleep, i wish i could take those back. 25,000+ people have died in the recent tsunami, and all I can think about is myself.

Al-Fatihah.

5 days later...

Yup, still got the fever. The dilemma now is that I also have some liver problems due to the chemo, so doc advised not to take too many paracetamols. So i had to sponge the heat off with wet towels. Many sleepless nights for me and my mum.

Anyway, friday was quite interesting. They arranged a bronchoscope (did i spell this correct?) for me since the lung infection became quite apparent. What they do is they insert a fine tube up your nose, and push it down to your lungs. So the scope showed some inflammation, but in order to get some sample of that infection, they had to do a lavage (spelling?) on my lungs. They basically sucked out the phlegm from my lungs. Gosh, it was quite an unpleasant experience. I coughed all the way.

Other than that, the days went by in quite a daze. I'm either sleeping, trying to sleep, getting blood sucked out of me, sucking on orange popsicle, etc. I've got a stiff neck from uncomfortable sleeping positions. I don't know what else to do...got minyak kapak, vicks, everything of that sort on my neck already. I just wish I could sleep comfortably.

Oh, on friday, some colleagues of mine came bearing gifts from the company. I am very touched at everybody's kindness (note: should write a thank you note to office) and I will always pray for your health and happiness in life.

I'm actually feeling a bit better now...despite the temperature. I don't think i'll get out of here by New Year's though. What a bummer, coz I was looking forward to watching Living with Tigers on Discovery Channel on 31st December. I wonder if I could download the show from Kazaa or something. It looks like all I'll be watching on New Year's Eve is the Fireworks Show from KLCC.

Ok, better go a figure out a comfortable sleeping position..

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

a dreamy..peaceful day...

My forecast last night was correct. The next fever came at 10.55 PM. Damn I'm good!

Last night i couldn't sleep at all due to my cough. Just before going to sleep, a nurse came to give my last antibiotic for the night. And guess what? My line wasn't working anymore. So the whole traumatic event began, with the poor M.O. on call looking so sleepy and a couple of nurses standing by to help him out to look for a vein. He was successful only after his eigth try.

So this morning, my M.O. (the rude doctor) - ok, let's stop calling him rude doctor, he's actually a nice person overall, let's call him Dr A - insisted to me that he wants to insert a line hanging off my neck, or a femural line (at the top of the thigh, very near the private region). He's been suggesting these since yesterday, but neither option seemed very awesome to me. So this morning i argued with him.

"Nadia, they all semua dah pressure me to put either the femural or neck CVP on you la..." Dr A said.

"Why? They found a line on my hand already what?" I said

"No lah, they all kesian nak prick you too many times."

"Tak nak! Tak nak lah insert apa2 CVP, kan yang ni dah ok. esok kalau bunk, ni kat tangan kiri banyak veins yang dah ok. By the left hand veins bunk, we use this one on the right. Look, it's almost healed. Lepas tu doc nak masuk cvp kat femur ke neck ke..masuk lah"

"ok lah, kita tengok macam mana nanti...i takut tak boleh je"

"boleh doctor...boleh! boleh! boleeeehhhhhhhh!!!!!!"

Anyway, by the time the consultant came in, the snowball has grown. The consultant said he'll try to put another long line (monstrosity line) on my arm. I tried to argue with him pulak..hehe. But he simply told me, that we need to have a reliable line fitted so the nurses can give me my antibiotics on time for the treatment to be at optimal level. Oh, i thought...that makes more sense! So there was quite a bit of kecoh2 in my room for a few mins because the Boss himself offered to do such a simple procedure. Dr A came to clear out a bit of furniture, etc.

"i move around barang-barang ni kejap ye...boss sendiri wants to this, it is not a normal situation" said Dr A.

"yea, sure, just move whatever you need," I told him.

"Sebenarnye I malu lah, setakat nak insert long line, pun consultant kena buat.."

"alah apa u nak malu? Nobody asked him to do it what? He wanted to do it himself. Bukannya sebab u tak terer, tapi sebab I special...HAHAHA!!"

"eee perasannya.."

"Oh yes doc. nanti i nak mintak sedation sikit...boleh?"

"tengok boss kata apa nanti."

So a few minutes later, everything's been prepared and i noticed I have been sedated yet. Useless Dr A! So I said to the consultant if I could have some sedation, because it will certainly make the work easier on him if i didn't move around. The consultant said ok. I saw Dr A sniggling at the back at my relentlessness, and stuck out my tongue at him. Ahhh...5mg of sedation...it's nice. I could see what the doc was doing, could remember the pain. But I just felt so peaceful that I just wanted to lie down..heehe (i'm sounding like a drug addict, eh?) Well the long line procedure wasn't successful. My vein was too small to have the line fitted in. So the next move was the femural line.

I can't remember what time they started the femural line insertion procedures. i was semi-high from the earlier sedation. So i asked for another shot, which i got. I felt them stitching, pricking, asking me whether it's painful, saying sorry, etc etc. But after the MOs were done, i thought...hm, this isn't too uncomfortable! I have to wear a kain instead of pants, but i think i would be able to sleep better after this!

Wouldn't it be funny if after all the commotion today, my fever gets stabilized tomorrow? Just because this princess needs her comfortable sleeping positions, etc.? hahaha.. That's not going to happen though. A lung specialist came today, and she said i have a bit of pneumonia, and as long as the bug is not killed I will still have my fevers. And my low total white count isn't helping to solve the problem.

Ok better start lying down on the bed before mum comes back here. bye!

Apo nak di kato....

Monday - demam
Tuesday - demam

Based on my intelligent forecasting engine, my next fever attack should start between 10 - 11 PM tonight.

Doc said i have a bit of a lung infection. Going to do a CT Scan, then a scope to see what germ is floating around my lungs.

I'm starting to wonder if my consumption of vitagen has anything to do with this fever. it's got some sort of cultured bacteria in it, right? Because the fever started a couple of days after i took like 4 bottles of vitagen in a day..oops! Takde self-control langsung!!

I don't know what's wrong with me. As i'm writing this, I'm running a temperature of 39.4 degrees, but I feel fine. At 38, I feel like I'm not having a fever anymore. Is this normal?

OK lah. I'm going to lie down and sweat my fever out.

Comment ca va? Moi, je vais mal...

Not much to say...i can't be bothered to type too much since i've got a drip on my hand that i wish would go away.

The past few days, i've been traumatized by more docs pricking my arms to find a vein. i hate to admit this, but at times like these, i kind of miss the CVP. and to think that I started to have the fever the day after the CVP was taken out.

Since thursday..nothing much happened except for recurring fever until today. Temperature went up to about 40 degrees. I feel a bit better today, since they've stopped the Ampho-B medication which I hate.

Just recovered from another bout of fever. Going to sleep now. babai...

Alf...and Dr L (parts 2)

Alf is fine. The vet said she has a fever. So she had to stay a couple of nights at the vet, since the fever was fluctuating and they wanted to monitor her progress. It sounds exactly like my situation these past couple of days. Is it possible that Alf and me have some sort of connection? Anyway, I hope she gets discharged today. At 50 bucks a night, I don't mind becoming a vet myself. They seem to make loads of money! RM 90 for a blood test? I'm sure human blood tests cost less than that..or if it's not, at least we've got insurance. Z once took his cat Salim to the vet for some kidney problem, it cost him almost 500 bucks! Is there pet insurance in Malaysia? If not, someone should start it up. I think it's a good idea, because I read somewhere that the pet industry is one of the fastest growing industries in this country, worth more than RM500 million or something. So with the growing number of pet lovers, I think pet insurance is worth the thought.

On to Dr L. Found out what happened to him. Mum asked one of the nurses of his whereabouts a couple of days ago. The nurse said Dr L changed to another hospital because he doesn't like it here. According to the nurse, he said that a few of the nurses here are too loud and it scares him. Dang nurses! Go make noise somewhere else!! The nurse added that it's too bad he left since it's rather difficult to find someone of his caliber. Too right! Yesterday morning, the MO complained about why the nurses could not fix a new line for me when there was an obvious vein available. I asked him, "but isn't this your job, doctor?" He shut up right away. Gosh! Itu pun nak complain...buat aje lah!! Lazy ass betul!

I'm still having fever..although they are not as horrible as the fevers I had after my second chemo cycle. Doc said I may get to leave by next week. Hope he's right. Yahooo!

Something I wrote a few days ago...

When I was a kid, I always envied my friends who had all the cool toys. One of my friends had like 20 Barbie dolls, complete with the Barbie house, car, clothes and everything else that could possibly come with it. She also had a computer. A family friend of ours used to have the kids' birthday parties at cool places like Kathy's Toys in Jaya Supermarket, where we could all go on the rides for free. Neat stuff!

What did we have? Nothing other kids would envy. We had some Legos, a set of encyclopedias and bicycles. I had one Skipper doll. So most of our childhood days were spent on make believe games, like "masak-masak", "cikgu-cikgu", "doctor-doctor", etc. The usual games kids would play, and most of the time we didn't have the proper equipment, except for when it came to playing "doctor-doctor". We had proper syringes, in many sizes!

My dad used to bring home syringes from his clinic. We had a stethoscope and a doctor's coat at home. There were 4 of us, so there would be one doctor, a patient and 2 nurses. Most of the time we would fight because there were 3 boys and myself, and no one wanted to become the nurses. We sometimes pretended that we were conducting surgery, like the time my youngest brother's favorite teddy bear's arm got ripped apart while we were bullying him and we had to sew it back. Or the time when the third brother became the patient and we told him that the birthmark on his face was dangerous and had to be removed. We used the syringes when we needed to "inject" anesthetics or medication (water) and "withdraw" blood (air sirap). No needles, of course! It's unbelievable, after all that time we spent playing doctor-doctor, none of us have become doctors so far. Instead, three of us are now working in IT, and the youngest is still in school. I guess there is still hope for dad, although I wouldn't put too much hope. :-)

Anyway, when we got tired of playing doctor-doctor, we found other uses for the syringes. One of my brother had the cool idea to draw drinks (like air sirap) into a syringe and drink from it. Or we would try to shoot the drink into each other's mouth and made such a mess. Another time, we wanted to play water guns but didn't have any, so we used the syringes as water guns and had so much fun with it. Of course the only problem was that our "guns" had to be refilled after each shot.

Ok, enough already with the syringe stories, you say. Well, it's just that seeing syringe after syringe everyday now suddenly reminded me of my childhood days, when syringes were fun toys instead of something that causes me physical pain from the daily jabs and blood sample drawings..Oh well, I suppose it's the pain one has to go through to get better.

Alf...

Mum says she'll be a bit late today. Alf, one of my cats, is sick, so she's going to the vet. We don't know what's wrong with her, but according to my mum she's been lying in the cage since a couple of days ago. She's the queen of climbing rooftops, and everybody got a bit worried when she started becoming inactive. I hope it's nothing serious.



Myself, I had a fever the whole of yesterday, and today. Hope the fever goes away soon. My white blood cell count is coming up, so I may get to leave the hospital in a week or so.

YES!!

Listening to : Siti Nurhaliza - Seindah Biasa, Winter Sonata - My Memory (Piano Instrumental)
Reading : Starcraft's Protoss Mission 9 walkthrough

Doc said he's happy to see that my counts are coming up, although he won't be too happy if it comes up too fast.

And the CVP (the monstrosity on my right arm) has been removed! Woohooo! It wasn't working properly last night and my arm was aching, so doc said I could have it removed since I'm not on i/v antibiotics anymore. The only thing is that he reminded me to drink lots of water since there won't be any natural saline helping to hydrate my body. I said I'll try. Drinking enough water, along with eating veggies, is one of those good habits I have yet to develop.

'til later, alligator.

p/s: forgive the colors, I just found out how to change text colors from the blogger interface. how cool! hehe

I crave for Vitagen

Reading : Dude, Where's My Country? - Michael Moore
Listening to : James Ingram - Just Once, Misha Omar - Dedebu Cinta, Gareth Gates - Sunshine

Once in a while, I get a craving for Vitagen. Any flavor except apple (the green one, ugh). The last time somebody brought me some, I drank five bottles in one sitting. Why do they have to make the bottles so small? I'm looking forward to some Vitagens today. Yummm...

By the way, Gareth Gates' Sunshine is such a mood pickup song. Did I get the sentence right? I just woke up and am not thinking v straight.

Oh, to gamers, is World of Warcraft out already? My friend told me that people were raving about it. Anybody tried it yet?

whatcha gonna do about it
whatcha gonna say when I say
baby it's just one of those days
whatcha gonna do today

can't you see that i'm smiling
baby there is just no denying
'coz the sun is shining
whatcha gonna do today

- Gareth Gates, Sunshine

Ciao tutti :-)

A better day indeed

God answered my prayers for today to be a better day. I woke up with a clearer mind. It dawned on me that I may have jumped into some conclusions yesterday. It's complicated to explain, but I'm glad that I may be wrong. I shall wait for the official report.

It still doesn't remove the fact that things have been getting more difficult for me. But at least there is still hope for a donor, yea?

Huh, yesterday was quite scary, though.

Ciao.

Worrying about tomorrow DOES take the goodness from today

Bleak day today...I had a look in my file, there was an unofficial note from the lab, of the HLA Class II typing for me and my brother. There is no match. I recall the consultant saying that a Class II match is important for a bone marrow transplant. I told myself, it's only an unofficial note, there could be a mistake, and I should wait for the official report. But official or unofficial, it's the content that matters. Unless the nurse who took the note down was deaf or illiterate, i don't think there'll be much of a difference.

So what will this mean to me? Is there hope? I didn't know...so being the curious smarty pants, I grabbed the Manual of Clinical Hematology on my desk and started reading. Here are some quotes from the book:

"Patients who have a relapse after a short first remission or refractory AML patients who never attained a complete remission following standard therapy, known as primary treatment failures, are best entered into experimental clinical trials." (pg 220)

"Another optional treatment regimen for refractory patients is allogeneic BMT if a compatible sibling donor is available." (pg 220)

From the table "Anticipated patient outcome using autologus and sibling-matched allogeneic transplants in malignent disorders in adult patients" (pg 407)
Disease - AML
State - Primary refractory disease
Allograft (sibling donor) - 10% cure
Autograft (own stem cells) - rarely performed

I was initially diagnosed with AML M4, then refractory AML when I did not respond to the initial standard chemotherapy. It looks like things are getting more difficult for me. It started as "don't worry, leukemia is now one of the most curable cancers these days" to "there's a possibility that I don't have a donor and autologus transplants are rarely performed on refractory AML patients." Why oh why did i ever open that book??!!

Tomorrow I'll ask the doctor about it. To be honest, I'm kind of scared. I'd rather not worry about it, but dad says that HLA typing is a very sensitive test, so maybe we could repeat the test on all my siblings, just to be sure. So the sooner I ask the doctor the sooner we can repeat the test and get the results.

In the meantime, I'll just try hard to not think about these trying times. Maybe another session of Starcraft will help me gain some peace of mind. I'm feeling bummed out, but I will not give up. There must be a way that I can get better, sooner or later.

The good news is that I still haven't caught a fever and my cough is getting better.

Hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Over and out.

of pets, money and doing things my way

One of the things I hate most about being stuck in this hospital is not being able to take care of my cats and finances. I just hate asking people to help me pay my bills and loans, help me put money into my savings account, etc. It's not that I don't trust people handling my money, but I just absolutely prefer to do it myself. I like that I know each payment's level of urgency so I can make the payments accordingly.

These couple of months, all I do is write cheques in large amounts, hand them over to people who would help me out and just trust them to manage the payments for me. The worst is having to ask whether it's been done or not and making people feel like I don't trust them with my money. It's the same feeling you get when someone borrows money or an item from you, and you have to ask for it back from them. Ugh!

Then there are my cats. I have to trust my brother to buy food and litter for them while i'm away, take them to the vet for medication, etc. He's the only brother who would help me out with the cats. Unfortunately he's outstation most of the time. He recently took the one cat to the vet due to skin problems. Came back with some creams and antibiotics which cost me RM80. Then he had to go away for work. Now what's the point of going to the vet if no one's going to give the poor cat its medication?

On some days, just thinking about these two things makes me want to escape from this hospital..But I haven't figured out how to get rid of this monstrosity on my right arm. Plus I only have 60 cents on me, so I don't think it will get me far from here. Intrakota costs at least 70 cents per ride, no?

Ciao tutti!

p/s: to them kind souls who have helped me, I greatly appreciate it. My sincerest apologies if I kept calling every 12 hours to ask if the payments have been made. They were quite urgent, you see. :-) You know I would do it myself if I could... And to my dearest brother, PLEASE GIVE COOKIE HER ANTIBIOTICS ONCE YOU GET BACK HOME!! AND TOLONG JANGAN JAHANAMKAN MY CAR, YOU POSER!! Thanks.

il giorno 15

Listening to: Kaer - Epilog Cinta Dari Bromley, Craig David - Spanish, Anuar Zain - Mungkin

Woke up at 2PM today. Realized that my mum wasn't here yet and wondered why nobody called me. Checked my phone and found out the battery died while I was sleeping. Cursed myself for not taking an extension cord with me when I checked in. Charged my phone, received an sms from mum asking me to save the rice. Fuhh...mum's coming to bring me food after all. I didn't eat this morning, they served porridge which i'm not so into.

Yesterday was a trying day. Trying my patience that is. My Hb level dropped to 7.9, so the doc ordered 2 pints of blood for me. I had to buy this RM70 blood transfusion filter, which was a pain in the ass (the filter, not the fact that I had to buy it). A pint of blood is supposed to get transfused within 4 hours. But mine took almost 9 hours!!! Stupid filter!! Started the first pint at 6AM yesterday, and finished the 2nd pint at 4AM this morning. The filter kept getting jammed every half an hour. So all day yesterday I had to watch the drip set, in case it stopped flowing. You know the expression "like watching paint dry"? In my case, it was more like watching blood drip.

Doc came in for his rounds, asked me the regular question - if i had a fever. As long as i don't have a fever, he's not too worried. He said it'll be about 2 more weeks before I will fully recover. I sometimes don't get this doc..a week ago, he also said I have 2 weeks to go. Is this guy for real?

Anyway, every now and then some people ask me, what's next? Well, usually after getting FLAG-IDA treatment, most patients go for bone marrow transplant. Which is what the doctor has in plan for me. I try not to worry too much about what happens after this, but three scenarios could arise (ones I could think of):

1. I go into remission and I have a bone marrow donor
2. I go into remission but I have no bone marrow donor
3. I don't go into remission

Obviously the first scenario would be the best case. In the second scenario, I think I could use my own stem cells in place of the donor (of the lack of it). As far as the third scenario, I haven't had the guts to ask the doc what will happen. I remember the doctor saying that 70% of patients respond to conventional chemo, 15% will respond to FLAG-IDA, and the other 15% will never respond to any sort of chemo they get. I'd rather not worry about it now. I read a saying somewhere "worrying about tomorrow takes the goodness out of today". So i'll just take it one thing at a time, and for now, my focus is to recover from chemo. And pray hard that the blast cells will go away. :-)

Aiight fellas, off to playing Starcraft. (After a short-lived ambition to start working on my MBA thesis. Ha ha)

arrivederci.

Break!!

How am i? Same old, same old. I've taken to waking up as late as possible to make days feel like they are moving faster. Due to my low platelets, I am starting to bruise everywhere. I'm on Day 12, which means I have about 16-18 more days to go. I'm hoping that it will go well right through the end of my stay in the hospital.

Nothing else is new, so let's take a break from reading about my daily health condition and check out http://www.the-kimster.blogspot.com/. The Kimster, a dear friend of mine, is an amazing writer. I have always wished I could write like him, full of thoughts and ponderings. But then again, I was never really the "pondering" type of person, so let's just leave the pondering to The Kimster, shall we?

I miss my cats - Mr Frodo, Owen, Alf & Cookie.

Adios muchachos!

Huh, finally...

Spent the whole day trying to finish the last chapter of Starcraft's Terran Campaign, between visitors. I finally did it! hahaha (reading the walkthrough helps a lot kekeke...). Tried to continue with the Zerg campaign, but felt lazy...maybe tomorrow.

Going to get platelets transfused tonight...my platelets dropped to 5,000 today. Thank God i'm not bleeding anywhere.

Ok, short entry today...I'm sure half of you don't even know what I was rambling about on the first paragraph.

Me gonna go watch The Sopranos season 2 now.

Ciao miei amici.

Day 10

So far so good, no fever yet. Cough and cold still not gone yet.

My blood count has started to drop tremendously. Yesterday's count:
White blood cells - 0.06 (normal 4.0 - 11.0)
Haemoglobins - 8.5 (normal 11 - 16)
Platelets - 28,000 (normal 150,000 - 400,000)

The specialist, Dr O, was happy to see this drop. The surgical mask has become my new best friend. And the medical officer got a "HOII!!!" from me for coughing around in my room this morning. What was he trying to do, infect me with his germs??

Dr O said the counts will stay low for about 2 weeks. Looks like I'll be Starcraft-ing my days away until I recover.

Am a bit bummed out because Z has started his new job and won't be able to visit me as often.

doctor doctor, where art thou?

It's been a week since I've heard the cheerful "good morning!" from Dr L, the kind doctor. I have no idea what happened to him, probably rotated to another ward or hospital. He's been replaced by the rude doctor, who turns out to be not so rude in the mornings after all..

I remember my first encounter with Dr L. I had a fever, and he came to do my blood culture. We didn't catch his name at the time, so my mum nicknamed him Dr Comel. Well, he is kinda cute, although that is not the point I'm trying to make here, hehe. He then replaced the previous MO, and started visiting every morning. I don't know how he keeps up, but he always has all the relevant data in his head everytime the specialist asks for information, e.g. blood count, chest x-ray, etc. And there are about 15 patients in here. The concerned look on his face makes me feel cared for, as if he worries for me, and that I'm not just another patient he's attending to. No matter how busy he is, I am always made to feel like I am his only patient. Some conversations are still crystal clear in my memory:

Conversation 1
Dr : Hello, are you feeling better today? Any more fevers last night?
Me: My cough is still not gone la doc...
Dr : Hmm, can I offer you some gargle then?
Me: Yeah, ok. Thanks. (wah...was he a waiter before this?)

Conversation 2
Dr : Hi! Haven't gone home yet?
Me: No, I was waiting for you. I thought I'm supposed to sign something before I leave
Dr : Eh no need la, I took care of it for you long time ago already...
Me: Aiyorr!! And I waited for you for the last 1 hour! Ok la..I'll be on my way then..
Dr : Ok. So are you comfortable here in a double room? Would you prefer a single?
Me: Of course la I prefer a single! But it's occupied now, right? What la you...thanks anyway!
Dr : Hehe..that's true. ok, you're welcome.

I won't bore you with more details. I trust him (95% of the time, because he is still learning), and all I know is that any pain I feel doesn't seem too terrible when he was taking care of it. I know he will be an excellent doctor throughout his career. You can learn all the stuff in medical books, but the people skills, you just have to have it in you. Maybe they should start stressing the subject in med school.

Dr L, wherever you are, thank you and good luck! Wish you were back here.

Day 7 of 28

Am on Day 7, 2 days post chemo. Circa 21 days to go before I can go home. I moved to a single room today. I was actually starting to enjoy the double room. I had the double for a whole week to myself, which was great. But this one's fine too..I'll just have to stow my laptop in the bag everytime I finish using it. So far I'm doing good, no fevers yet, but still some cough and cold which started even before chemo. At the moment I'm munching on some kuih raya, the lunch served today doesn't seem to be too appetizing. My appetite has diminished lately, as a side effect of the chemo. I crave for food with strong taste, e.g. spaghetti, pizza, burgers, etc. mmm...a pizza neapolitana would be nice for now....yummy. or Baked ziti with loads of cheese (I am watching too much of The Sopranos, as you can see)

Anyway, with regards to the previous post, thanks Najah for the clarification. I don't think anyone's trying to take advantage of C though. The malay guy gave the water in return for C's kindness in sharing some of his herbal drinks. I've seen some weird things here though. A couple of weeks ago, I had an Indian for a roommate. One night a preacher came and talked to her. Sounded like he was preaching Christianity as the solution to my friend's disease. I thought, "and her mother allows this?? my mom would smack me on my head if i ever attempted such things." Oh my, I couldn't listen to what was going on, so I left the room shortly after realizing what was going on.

I had a Manual for Clinical Hematology book on the table this morning. Yeah, to impress the docs. Hahahahaha. One offered to buy it from me at second hand price. No way!! Get your own! One said he's having trouble understanding what the book says (oh-oh...should i be worried? thankfully he's not yet a specialist). Myself, I read the book like a 2 year old trying to learn her ABCs. hehehe...slowly lah, kan. It took these specialists years to become good at what they do. Surely I can't expect to understand everything in just a few days. With the help of a dictionary, I'm sure i'll master it in no time :-).

Ok lah...going to find some other things to do to get through the day. Things are a bit boring since I'm not encouraged to leave my room. At least if I could go outside, I could make new friends and chit chat with the nurses. Unfortunately I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to get better. So i'll just stay in this room, and munch on more kuih raya.

Au revoir!

Mixed beliefs?

A while ago I wrote about how I made friends with some of the patients here. One of them, C, dropped by my room today.

C : Knock knock, woi....lu apa macam??? (C is chinese)
Me: Eh, C? What are u doing here la? I ingat u tengah happy-happy dekat rumah.
C : Saya datang jumpa itu satu lagi patient la, dia panggil saya datang sini, angkat air from him..
Me: Air apa?
C : Air minum la, dia kata manyak bagus, itu orang melayu sembahyang2 punya..
Me: Oh...like that ah??

I thought, wah this dude really ikhtiar one... and I wondered, as muslims, are we allowed to do the same? Let's say someone comes to me with some water yang dah dibaca2 by a buddhist monk, am I allowed to drink it?

Ok lar, I better go now before I start talking and writing like C.

Long Line

Here's a picture of the long line. You tell me whether it looks comfortable or not! I personally prefer the normal ones, they're much cuter even if it takes forever to set.

The eternal search for my veins

Hallo everybody! Finally got my laptop transported to the hospital today. I'm on Day 4 now out of 5 days chemo treatment. I found out what my treatment consist of (for those who are interested..)

Day 1-3:
- GCSF (injection to induce white blood cell production)
- Fludarabine (over 30 minutes)
- Idarubicin (Slow bolus)
- Ara-C/Cytarabine (over 4 hours)

Day 4-5: All of the above except Idarubicin

How was it? Well this time I had the chemo drugs i/v-ed through my peripheral veins, since I don't have the Hickman line anymore. Everything else went in fine...until it came time for Idarubicin. Shit it's painful!!!! So for the first three days, the doctor had to set a temporary line for me everytime my hand starts to ache. And looking for a good vein on my hand is like searching for the holy grail. My mum tells me I should start doing more housework...heheh. Anyway, thankfully I had a doctor who never gives up, he will try until he finds a good vein, even if it means he has to squat by my bed for an hour.

So Day 1-3 was quite painful. Ok I take that back...it was very painful! Day 4 came and I relaxed a bit. Mid-day, I realized that my line was blocked. Water wouldn't drip in. I thought, shit...not another "poke-my-hands" session!! The doctor on-call came and couldn't find a usable vein, so after getting clearance from the consultant, she decided to insert a long line on my arm. A long line is like a Hickman line, only that the line is put through the fold of my upper and lower arm, instead of through my chest. It would last longer than the normal lines I had. I'll post a picture later.

I didn't ask for sedation for this procedure, since I thought it wouldn't be too painful. But my God was I wrong!!!! I was SOOOOOO wrong!!! I don't know about other people, but I don't take pain too well. So I cried on my bed while the doctor tried 3 times before we were successful. And when we were done, I realized I couldn't fully bend my arm. AAARGGHH!!!! I get very upset when I lose a bit of mobility...so I cried a bit more. This thing on my arm is really the most uncomfortable thing in the world!!! I can slowly bend my arm now..hope tomorrow it becomes more comfortable.

So tomorrow will be Day 5 and the last day of chemo treatment. After this it will be about 4 weeks of observation, where I will get treated with antibiotics etc as I develop fevers, infections etc (hope not laa...) Yesterday one of the nurses said to me "You must be counting the days to go home, huh?" At the moment I can't even picture the day I get to go home, it seems too long ahead!! I'm not encouraged to have visitors or wander around the ward..so I've borrowed four seasons of The Sopranos dvd set to watch while I'm stuck in here. And I've brought a Matematik Tambahan book to take my mind off things. I know it sound nerdy, but it really does work. When worried, do math - try it out. I'm also thinking of buying a TV card for my laptop...know any good and reasonably priced ones?

Adios for now!

hello!

Hi! Hope everyone had a good hari raya/deepavali. I certainly did. went visiting on the first and second of raya...had too much rendang and ketupat, but it was all good. spent almost every other waking hour trying to finish Warcraft III (picked it up again soon after coming home from the hospital). Also went to the supermarket every now and then when I got really bored...found a really nice fishing hat there for only RM13!

Checked back into the hospital on the 17th morning for my bone marrow aspiration. the coward that i am, i asked to be sedated for the procedure. so i didn't remember what happened, and slept all day until 6.30 PM. woke up starving and hoping that my results would be better than the previous one.

Next day - BMA results day. Dad arrived at 8.30 AM to see the doctors. We waited semi-anxiously (me semi-sleeping), and the docs only came around to my room at 11 AM. Maybe they wanted to see me last. They said a lot of things, mostly medical jargon, and I didn't understand a whole lot of it. I didn't know what to make of it, are they good news, or bad news? The docs repeated what they explained in layman terms, what i got out of it was - i am in partial remission, but about 70%-80% of the blast cells are still in my bone marrow. My blood counts showed that some of the cells developed into mature cells, because my platelets have gone up into the normal range, and my haemoglobins and total white have gone up, although not much, over the past 12 days. I have what they call "refractory AML" (stubborn cancer cells, just die, will ya!?).

Anyway the HLA typing results came back, and they identified one of my brothers has a perfect Class I match with me, so he needs to come back to see if we have a Class II match. Basically there are 6 antigents they need to match for my brother to become a donor. We have a perfect match for the first three antigents (Class I), so we now must test for the next three (Class II).

So, as far as my current condition, the docs said something about re-strategizing the treatment. I don't fully understand yet what they intend to do, but i'll try to in due time. What I get is next week I will start on my 3rd chemo course, under the FLAG regime. I'm still trying to find out what it is, but I believe it will consist of a set of more potent chemo drugs, since the doc said that it will take me about 4 weeks to recover, and I should preferably be treated in a single room.

I guess I'm not having it as easy as I hoped. But I suppose I'll just have to be patient and keep on trying. I got to go home today, but have to be back in the hospital by Monday morning. That should be enough time for me to finish the rest of my Warcraft III chapters..heheheh.

No News

I guess no news is good news. Got rid of the fever and cough. Feeling a bit tired, despite just sitting around in my couch watching TV. hope it's not the anemia kicking in...i want to raya!! Hmm..actually most of my hari rayas consist of me sitting in front of the TV watching Hari Raya specials anyway. So I guess it won't make too much difference.

Selamat hari raya and Happy deepavali to everyone. Drive carefully ok!

Little Cutieeesss!!

was browsing through my photo folders, and found this. from my trip to Surabaya earlier this year. aren't they cute??!!! wish i had a couple of them baby tigers at home.



had a tuna sandwich and tempe goreng for lunch. odd combo, but quite sedap!! tempe must be fried with rempah soto. yummy!

hope to get someone to sneak me some Fanta Strawberry later. been having a craving for Fanta Strawberry for days...slurrrp!! my mom doesn't let me have sodas anymore.

so far the day's been smooth sailing...thank God.

Bank Trip

Trip to the bank was OK-lah. Mainly because I got to spend some time alone with Z. But I think it was too much excitement for me. Felt sick most of the time, came home and vomited my dinner out - gross! Probably motion sickness from the ride and watching all the other vehicles zoom by on the highway.

Got through the night without fever. Yay! I'm becoming a Malay drama and cooking show addict. Slept at 2.30 AM watching one malay drama after another. Man, I gotta think of something more useful to do with my time!!

I just got a visit from some family friends whose son was diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukemia in 1989. He has survived for 14 years now, married with a child. The parents told me that their son even sat for his SRP examinations, although he collapsed on the last day of exams and had to be readmitted. How very determined. I really respect this guy. I can't even bring myself to think about the thesis I still have to write!!!

I get to go out tonight!

I've become like a child, constantly guarded by my parents. I must wear a sweater so I won't get cold, I must check my body temperature and blood pressure every few hours in case of fever, I must wear slippers if I were to step into the kitchen, I must take my antibiotics, I must drink water constantly, I must take Lingzhi, I must drink the soy protein milk, I must not touch the cats, etc, etc, etc.

So can you just imagine my anxiety when I wanted to ask for permission to go out with Z tonight. Purpose? To pay my credit card bill. Really. I got the permission, after promising to:
- wear a mask
- go to the bank and come back straight away
- not smoke (mainly warning for Z, I quit the moment I was diagnosed)

I'm excited. It will be a short trip, but I'll take what I can get. Beggars can't be choosers, no?

What a day...

Spent the day watching TV. Jalan2 Cari Makan is awesome! I would love to have a job like Maria Tunku Sabri. Spotted some Petronas Dagangan guys on the show as well, as the show is sponsored by PDB.

Cough and fever still not gone. I wish they would go away...!!

Adios.

Honey....I'm home!!!

I'm home!! Discharged with a cough, which I hope will go away soon.

I had a whole entry typed out just now, but somehow lost it when I clicked "Publish".

Nway, my total white count went back down to 2.3, though my blood film's still clear of blasts, according to the doc. At 5.2, I was thinking of maybe having dinner outside one of these days, but I guess that plan will have to hold. I suddenly have a craving for Tacos, which u could get in Jake's in Damansara Heights. Yummmm...

Quite sad to leave the hospital just now. After 3 weeks, I made some friends who are also AML patients. We sit around bitching about our condition and what we do to stay well during chemo. In addition to that, there's a new MO in charge at the ward. A more open person, who you can talk to or ask questions. Unlike some others who regard you as if you're an idiot who's just spoiling their day asking stupid questions. This new MO even asked me if there's anything else he could get for me during his visit this morning. Never heard that coming from the other snobby MOs. As a patient, I immediately felt a bit better and cared for...bravo to the doc!

Ok TV time!! Bye..

Project Lintball

My latest project, Project Lintball, which got abandoned last week when my mum decided to take my sweater home for a wash. The lintball has grown twice as big from the picture, but got accidentally swept away by the cleaner one morning. Careless me, I should've guarded the ball with my life.



- el nadio loco

A variety of news from the hospital room...

I haven't lasted a day without having a fever attack, despite the removal of the Hickman's line. Developed a bit of a lung infection, which explained the cough. The fever spikes, however, are getting lower and lower. Which is better than nothing, I guess.

On one of the nights, I had a horrible chill attack. It didn't feel cold, but I was shivering like mad. It turned out that a medicine (Ampho-B) that was supposed to run for 4 hours plus was given to me within less that 2 hours. The chills were horrible, horrible, horrible!!! I will never trust that nurse again.

I partially got over the loss of the Hickman's line. Thought of a few good things about it gone (although it took me a few days):
- less fevers
- people won't wonder why my chest looks uneven
- being poked with needles for blood samples isn't too bad
- err...will think of more things...

Anyway, I just would like to share an experience I had a few nights ago about the attitude of an M.O. here. I was having one of those fevers, quite high, about 39.8 degrees Celcius. In cases like this, the staff nurse will have to call the MO (Medical Officer) On-Call to do a blood culture on me. It's basically just taking a sample of your blood, and putting it into a couple of bottles to be sent to the microbiology lab. So, a couple of hours after the nurse took my temperature, the MO finally arrived. He had a look on his face as if i disturbed him from sleep or watching EPL or something. After he cleaned the part of my arm where he wanted to withdraw blood from, he asked me to turn my arm a bit. Apparently I didn't turn my arm up to his satisfaction, so he took it (roughly, I might add) and fixed the position to his liking. I mean, as a doctor, couldn't he be more gentle? It's not like I want to have that fever or be in this hospital at all!! Anyway, I was so pissed so I just did not look at his face. My mum was also quite shocked at that kind of behavior. I have a couple of other incidents with this unkindly person, but let's save it for another time. The consultants here are always kind and gentle to the patients, I don't understand why he cannot observe and learn from them. So in the end we just concluded that maybe he was forced by his father to study medicine (when he wanted to be in fashion school maybe), hence the attitude. If a person can't be bothered being kind to a patient, then don't bother being a doctor. To be in this profession, it must be your PASSION to help people. If you don't have that in you, then just go do business improvement projects like me.

Ok, enough complaining. Good news today. My total white blood count went up to 5.2 (avg 4.0-11.0). Alhamdulillah and Yay!!! Although it wasn't without a bit of cheating. I was given a drug called GCSF, that is supposed to induce the growth of white blood cells. The better news is that the doctor said that there are no more blasts seen from my blood film, but we'll get a better picture from my next bone marrow test scheduled after Hari Raya. More Alhamdulillahs and Yayss!! I'm also drip-free starting today, since they took off all IV drugs and switched me to oral antibiotics. They suspected that my fevers may have been drug-induced..which could happen to some patients given too many antibiotics.

For now, I'm hoping to sustain my blood counts tomorrow so I can get the hell out of here!

ciao tutti!

Bye bye Mr Hickman...

Today has got to be the most depressing day since i got diagnosed. Yes. My hickman line dah al-marhum. Gone. Yanked out of me like some poisonous snake. I tell you, it's even more depressing than being diagnosed with leukemia itself. Just thinking about the next few days of being poked with needles for blood samples is enough to make me cry a bucket of tears, which l did. But the doctor had no choice. I was running fevers of 39+degrees 2-3 times a day, for 10 days in a row, and they couldn't find the cause (e.g. No bacteria found in my blood cultures, no diarrhea, clear chest x-ray, in short, no sign of infection). In the end they concluded it must be the line causing the fevers, although there are no guarantees.

My eyes are now swollen from crying over the loss all morning. My left hand is also now swollen from water retention. It's more difficult for me to move now, but i hope it's only for the next few days before i get to go home.

Well, I guess what's done is done. Doc reassured me that the line can be reinserted later, although I'm not sure how soon. My biggest fear is that when I go for my next chemo, I don't have my Hickman's line with me. I will be like a Jedi Knight without his light saber. They say if the chemo medicine touches your skin tissue, it can leave some unsightly burns/scars. Let's hope that doesn't happen though. Or better yet, hopefully i will not need a next chemo.

I'm still depressed. No more walking around with the Rm4500 worth of convenience. I still can't see the bright side of having my new best friend detached from me after only 2 months. Maybe tonight i'll come up with something positive about all this.

Now i wish my eyes would stop swelling. The nurses here must think I'm such a big baby for crying over a lost line.

Arrivederci.

Chapters of life

Still having high fevers. It's now the 8th day I'm having chills, followed by high fevers. The chills are terrible, uncontrollable, teeth-grinding shivers. When the shivering stops, my body temperature will rise and rise as if it will never stop. The headache feels like my skull has been axed open. It's like being transported from Alaska to the Sahara...i imagine.

OK, let's not talk about my fever anymore. Writing about it won't make them stop, anyway. While having these episodes, my activities were limited to either sleeping or thinking. The one thought that kept coming to mind was if i could re-live a period of my life, which would it be? Not that I wish to live them differently, but because they may be the happiest years of my life so far. So here are the verdicts:

• Pre-school years: not much memory
• Primary school yrs: maybe
• Form 1 - 3 in boarding school: Not in a million yrs!! Those were the worst years of my life ever. Can't stand those patronizing seniors...
• Form 4 - 5 in boarding school: maybe. If i get paid rm5 million..
• Pre-college year: yes! Free trips to disneyland,san diego zoo,etc.
• College years: Absolutely yes!
• Working years: hmm..too recent. Will consider it in 5 years time.

Back to college years. It occupies my thoughts quite a lot lately. When I'm having the fever attacks and try to think happy thoughts, my college years always pop to mind. Perhaps it's the cold Pittsburgh weather. I'm reminded of the days we built snowmen behind Baker Hall, me trudging snow to get to class, shopping and eating gelati down Walnut Street, finding knick knacks on Squirell Hill, eating baked ziti with loads of cheese at the University Center and oh so many more. I badly want to list everything here but there are just too many. There I am feeling feverish in bed, and suddenly i get a flash memory of me and friends having Chinese after a game of street hockey. Or me and friends shooting silly videos because we ran out of things to do during winter time.

Ah, sweet memories. Maybe when I'm better I'll take a trip down memory lane to Pittsburgh.

Is it like a computer game?

Another thought before I go off to bed. I like to think of me fighting this disease like I'm playing Warcraft III. I'm fighting all my enemies (e.g. the leukemia cells), and in fighting them, my army will also die (e.g. my normal blood cells). The good thing is, I can rebuild the army, and keep fighting the enemy troops until I get to move to the next stage. And finally, I will get to the ultimate stage, the grand finale, the bone marrow transplant. It will be very difficult and my army must be strong, but once I finish that stage, the game will end, and I will triumph. I just hope I don't give up like I did in Warcraft III, where I had to collect 15,000 timber at one point and just couldn't bring myself to cheat...boo hoo!

Well, is it weird to think that I'm cheating the "game" when they have to transfuse blood and platelets into me? The thought came across when they gave me a bag of platelets yesterday. It's like typing /ihavealltheplateletsintheworld at the command prompt and it will solve the problem.

Err..ok, I really think it's time for bed now. I'm starting to sound like a geek. Bye! (Now i'm thinking whether Warcraft III works on this notebook...hmm that would be nice)

It's like a bad dream...

The past couple of days have been rather hellish. My total white blood count was 0.5 (avg 4.0-11), and platelets dropped to 16,000 (avg 150,000-400,000). I had constant fever up until this morning. Shivered all the time, and vomited after meals. I mainly just slept it out. At least when I'm sleeping, I dream of the days when things used to be normal. Like yesterday, I dreamt about going to work, getting confused about the tasks I'm supposed to do and then later having buka puasa at a restaurant and got mad at the waiter for such slow service. How I yearn for those simple things now.

Anyway, I had some thoughts about things I like about being in the hospital, and things I will look forward to when I'm better. Here's a list:

Things I like about being in the hospital
- getting to watch DVDs
- getting to read stuff I otherwise would rarely read when I was well (e.g. papers, qur'an, etc)
- the agar2 sirap they serve every dinner time (otherwise only available at pasar ramadhan)
- getting people to fuss over you (although can be a bit emotional at times)
- using Yahoo! Msgr without worrying that you have work to do in the office

Things I look forward to
- having buka puasa with my friends, after buying kuih at pasar ramadhan
- growing my hair (I'm thinking Anita)
- go watch movies
- going back to work (I must say this, in case my boss reads this)
- having lunch with colleagues at Santini's KLCC on Fridays
- those are just a few, but i basically want my normal life back, plus some changes towards a more healthy and spiritual lifestyle.

Since this morning, I had no fever, thank God. Strange, the fever subsided once I heard the doctors say "let's wait another day, if the fever persists, we'll have to remove the Hickman's line." Hmmm, I guess it's a case of mind over matter after all - On top of the variety of antibiotics I'm perscribed with, e.g. Ampho B, Sulperazone, Vanco & Tienam. If the Hickman's line is removed, I'll have to have those lines on my hands, which I cannot stand. Life will be much more difficult, in terms of moving and sleeping recklessly at night, and of course, using the computer. (NOOOO.............!!!!!!!!)

It's now 10.10 PM, so far no fever. Let's hope this continues....

I'm after watching Monk, DVDs courtesy of team GGK (thanks guys!!). So now i'm off to bed..ciao!

p/s to team GGK: I've only used the scarf, this room is so cold, plus when I get the chills, it feels like Alaska in here. snow cap not yet...maybe soon, hehe! I'll send u a picture nanti. I also think I might borrow some snow caps from Zahid.

Back in the hospital

Turned out from my bone marrow test, there are still many blast cells showing, which means i'm not in remission. So the doctors decided to start me on my second cycle of chemo, using idarubicin and high-dose cytarabine, for a course of 4 days. Before I started chemo, I had to have 2 pints of blood transfused, since my hemoglobin was on the down trend. Gee...maybe after this i'll just change my career to Vampire. Sorry Maya Karin, if after this u cannot cari makan. Hee haaahahahaahahahaa (vampire-ish laugh). So now I'm already on chemo day 3. So far I'm feeling fine, no side effects, other than my hair which continues to drop. I've started wearing scarves (a la Awie) because I cannot bear to see the hair thinning process on my scalp. I know...i know...it will grow.

Emotion-wise: When the doctor told me that I'm not in remission, I was not too shocked. I read somewhere on the Internet that sugar feeds precancerous cells. During my first course of chemo, I did consume a lot of chocolates, took sugar with my juice, etc. I admit that I felt a bit down, but hey, hopefully this next round will make it better, eh? I saw a hint of disappointment in the doctor's face, but didn't ask why. Surely doc didn't expect me to go into remission after the first cycle? Doc was the one who told me that patients usually take 2-3 cycles before the go into remission. Oh well..I will tell myself everyday that this round I will go into remission. I will, i will AND I WILL!!!

Tomorrow I'm moving to a single room, which means i get to watch my dvds without wearing headphones. Yay!! I'm a bit spooked though, a nurse told me that the patient who was in the single room just died...*gulp* Maybe I'll get mommy to stay with me for a few nights...hmm

Adios per il momento. Ciao tutti!

Still home

I'm still at home. Watched TV all day. Didn't have to stay at the hospital since the bone marrow test won't be until wednesday morning. Since there were no first class beds today, the doc decided to let me go home. Admission gave me a 2nd class bed, which meant it would be better for me to stay home. Yeah, I sound like a snob, but I dare not take any chances.

Anyway, looking at the 2nd class ward today, I realized how lucky I was to have gotten into the 1st class ward previously. I felt like bursting into tears when I saw the condition of the ward. On one hand, I thought, "God! there's no way I'm sleeping here tonight...eww! I have to share toilets with 30 other people!!" On the other hand, if the patients in this ward can fight their battles...i definitely can fight mine, Insya-Allah.

Hope I get into a first class ward on Wednesday. I promise I won't complain about the air-conditioning being too cold anymore!!!

Cat Update (Haven't done this in a long time): Owen, my handsome orange cat has got a new collar. After the old one snapped when he got too fat and no one checked. His new collar is flourescent pink!! I think he may have cried a bit the first day, he kept tugging at the pink collar. The color wasn't my idea, but I do hope it would bring some feminine qualities for Owen. Owen is too independent, he likes to play on his own. Maybe one day he'll start rolling at my feet like Mr. Frodo, Alf and Cookie do. Hmmm..

Packing Time

Ok, I've got to pack my computer, since I'm going back to the hospital early tomorrow morning. Before that, let me tell a little story about my disease. I've got Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML). I was diagnosed on 9th September, 2004. There are 7 types of AML, but there was a little problem between the doctors and the lab, they weren't able to determine whether I have AML M2 or AML M4.

I felt unwell for about a month before that. It was gradual, but towards the end, it got worse. I had intermittent fever, loss of appetite, short of breath, easy bruising, etc. Friends told me I looked very pale, but I thought it was just normal stress. One day I went to the doctor to get some cough medicine, the doctor realized I looked very pale, and asked me to do a blood test. The blood test results showed that there were blasts in my blood, and suspected me to have acute leukemia. That day was 3rd of September, 2004.

Anyway, I was admitted to the hospital the same day due to my low hemoglobin count (3.6). I had 4 pints of blood transfused in me. I remembered being really tired, I wasn't able to talk properly. I got my first ever ride on a wheelchair that day, and it was quite a fun experience. Although given the choice, I would rather be well than unwell.

A few days later, I went for a bone marrow aspiration. My God it was a painful experience!! I felt like I fell on ice for three days! I felt cheated...when I asked the doctors, they all said that it would be a short procedure, just like tooth extraction. Anyway the results came out positive (nothing positive about that from where I stand!), and the doctor said I should start chemotherapy right away. However, the doctor suggested that I go to another hospital to get a catheter called a Hickman's Line put on my chest. The line would be used for chemotherapy, to transfuse and withdraw blood. It would be more comfortable for me since the nurses won't have to constantly poke my hands with needles.

My first course of chemotherapy went well. I was given 3 days of daunorubicin and 7 days of cytorabine (Ara-C). Only the first day I vomited. After that, the doctor prescribed me with Kytril to control the nausea and vomiting. Other than that, I ate well, no diarrhea, no mouth sores. The only thing that bothered me was the steroids. It made me look puffy! During this time I also took Lingzhi pills (thanks to my aunt) and Brands Essence of Chicken for my blood.

The first week after chemo passed by in a whizz. I watched movies, read books, etc. Basically the most boring week in the hospital, since I felt well, but was not advised to have many visitors. My blood counts started to fluctuate during this week.

The second week was quite difficult. I had fever three days in a row...and felt quite bad. The doctor decided to prescribe me with some anti-fungal medicine. Apparently patients who stay in the hospital for too long tend to catch hospital fungus (euww!!). My white blood count fell to its lowest - 0.9! However, it gradually went back up after that, and the doctor discharged me at WBC of 1.4. (Healthy range for white blood cells is 4.0 - 11.0) I was excited, but also quite worried since I have cats at home, and God knows what other bacterias and viruses I could catch at home. Anyway, I risked it since I couldn't wait to get in touch with the outside world (a.k.a the TV!).

I also started shedding hair during this second week! It was horrifying to see my long hair all over the floor! I decided to wash my hair one day, and it just got tangled together, making it worse! I got my brother to come later that evening to cut my hair shorter, and I felt much better! ADVICE to people who will go for chemo - just cut your hair short before you start treatment. It would be easier on you. I also read that if you take 1600 IUs of Vitamin E everyday for a week before starting chemo, u could minimize hair loss (way too late for me!!) I'm thinking of writing a letter to Erra Fazira to see if she could donate me one of her many wigs. Whaddaya think? I thought of writing to Siti Nurhaliza as well, but her wigs are usually long ones, so it probably won't suit me. heheh.

The week went by very fast, and I have to get myself re-admitted tomorrow. Me and my siblings will do the HLA Typing tomorrow, to determine if one of them is a suitable bone marrow donor for me. Then either tomorrow or Tuesday, I will have to do another bone marrow aspiration, to see my progress from the first course of chemotherapy. I hope the results will be favourable...(pleaasseee God!!!)

If nothing else, this experience has brought me closer to my parents, whom I love very much, and I know are very worried about me. My friends and colleagues, who check on me from time to time, and feed me with gossip, they keep me going. And the lovely Z, who gives me his endless support, and endless supply of DVDs.

But, this is just the beginning of the battle. I know I have a long way to go (hopefully not too long!) before I can live a normal life again. I pray to God to make me better, or at least make this battle not too difficult for me.

Will update, as and when. Ciao tutti!

Home time

Last monday i finally got to go home, after being in the hospital for almost a month. Today, I went back to the clinic, and the doctor said I have to get admitted back next monday. They initially told me I could go home for 2-3 weeks. It doesn't look like it now..the doc wasn't very happy with my blood count, plus the doc won't be around the following week to do some tests on me. Oh well...i had a happy week at home, got to see my cats, and was able to control the room temperature. The hospital room is wayyyy too cold, sometimes I can't tell if i'm having a fever.

May be I'll start blogging about my journey in fighting this disease. Could probably share some views with others going through the same problem. Hmm...

Ciao for now.

News from a hospital room

I've now been warded for a month. Finally figured out how to connect to the Internet via GPRS. It's so bloody expensive!!! 1.5 sen/kb...there's got to be a cheaper way to do this..

Anyway, after being in here for two weeks, I developed my own routine. E.g. wake up (earlier than if i were to wake up to go to work, and that's only because the darned sweeper has to come in at 7AM to sweep the room), wash my face and brush teeth, eat, then read a book or meddle with my PDA until the doctor comes. After the doc leaves, I will finally get to start my day. I shower, make myself pretty (for what, i don't know), take my supplements, then catch up on outside world gossip via Yahoo Msgr. Then I have lunch. After my mum leaves, I pick a dvd and watch it. It takes a good 2 hours, which brings me to about 4Pm. Then I nap, or read. My parents comes back at about 6PM, and we eat dinner. After that I read the newspapers. After my parents leave at about 9PM, I watch another dvd, which takes me to 11PM, after which I go to sleep. This is what I do everyday, unless I catch a fever, where all I'll do is lie in bed, willing myself to feel better.

I'm now on day 21 after the start of my treatment. I hope to get home sometime next week. Can't wait!!

Bye for now.

sudden disease

i was diagnosed with a blood disease this week. it will take a while to cure. many things will have to be postponed, e.g. my work, my studies, my life. i guess my life now is to focus on getting better. ppl have advised me to be strong, and i will be. the only thing that kind of ticks me off is when the same people keep telling again and again to "berselawat banyak2 tau tak!!", with a look as if i don't. Just because i try to act normal, laugh and smile, crack my stupid jokes, it does not mean that i'm not aware that i'm sick. I am fully aware that I'm sick. I ask for help from God in my own time. Those people don't need to see the tears that run when i ask for God to give me strength to go through this ordeal. Just because I look happy despite having a disease, it does not mean that I forget to "berselawat" to God. I am just trying to be strong, for God's sake. I guess what I'm trying to say is Praying to God is not equal to Looking Sad and Too Uptight.

guess i will not be blogging too often now (as if i blog everyday now, anyway, haha.)

wish me a speedy recovery. thanks.

Weird meals I ate when I was young...

after a long break from writing anything.....yesterday i thought about the things i ate when i was a child....and they were all yummy

1. Nasi putih + kicap + butter + ikan goreng: mix them all together and eat
2. Crushed cream crackers + fish/chicken curry: skip the fish/chicken, just take the potatoes
3. Crushed cream crackers + chicken soup: again, skip the chicken, just take the potatoes

yummers....

long break from blogging

i realize i haven't written a single word in almost a month...lazy me.

will update on my recent Singapore trip soon.

Singing Fever

Malaysian Idol. Akademi Fantasia 2. Audition. This has resulted in an increased number of karaoke sessions for me and my friends. When we go to karaoke, we see another side of our friends. Some croon like a superstar, some can't carry a note, and some just plain annoying. I can bet that every person who's been to karaoke sessions with his/her mates must have encountered at least 1 annoying person. The dude who always has to sing louder than the person with the mic. The gal who snatches the mic from you. The dude who sings along by shouting so loudly for the entire session that you feel like slapping him in the face. The guy who can't sing at all but decides to sing along with you anyway, and spoils the only song you can sing well. The gal who thinks she can sing, but actually sucks. (That's probably me..hehe)

I wonder if there is a set of guidelines to make karaoke fun for everybody, e.g. a Karaoke Etiquette guide? A lot I found on the net deals with proper conduct in a karaoke Bar, not rooms like we have in Malaysia. I mean, there must be a way you can tell the prick to stop shouting without portraying yourself as a tight-ass jerk, right? I usually just smile and laugh, although it only encourages the person to continue shouting his lungs out. The problem is still not resolved. What else to do? I pun tak tau...If you know in advance the person is annoying, try to sit as far as possible from him/her, I suppose.

Annoyances from 35,000 ft above sea level

This has to be one of my worst plane rides ever. I'm seated in the middle of three seats, crushed between two men, who as usual must conquer both arm rests. The dude on my right is sucking on some mints very loudly. The dude behind me keeps kicking my seat. There's a toddler and his mother seated south-east of me. The mother seems to unable to control the volume of both her and her child's voice. The in-flight food came, and it sucked big time. Only the jelly they served as dessert was good. Again, the dude on my right enjoyed his meal rather noisily, emiting sounds similar to "nyap-nyap-nyap.." Just a few moments ago, the kid behind me put his tiny hands on my head and started pulling my hair. What on earth is wrong with this people?? AAAAARGHHH!!

Then again, these people are probably really annoyed with my non-stop coughing fits.

Aaah...I wonder if the people in first class are facing any irritations at all.

I'm going to stop writing now because my elbows are starting to hurt from being stuck in between two arm rests.

Bye.

Gli Italiani: The Dark, The Greasy, The Beautiful

mmm...these men are worth staying up till 4 in the morning for...heh.

On Apologizing

Why do we always find it so difficult to apologize? What is so difficult about saying the two words – “I’m sorry”? Why do we find it easier to apologize to our close friends, even if we hesitate a bit, but cannot bring ourselves to apologize to our partners/spouses? Why is it that people would rather tuck small arguments in the back of their minds, instead of talking about them immediately so both parties could say they’re sorry, and move on? Of course, I’m not saying that we should just blindly apologize when faced with a situation. I just think it should be done as soon as possible. Remember when we were little; we used to have those fights with our siblings? When my parents caught us fighting, they will always force us to say sorry and shake hands with each other. Short and sweet, no grudges held. In 5 minutes we were back to playing our childish games. However, as we get older, we build a thick wall of pride around us. So thick is the wall that we think it will kill us if we make any attempts to apologize. We wait and we wait…and the time arrives when we realize that we should apologize, to get things moving again. And we will apologize without knowing anymore what we’re apologizing for. We throw the cheap apology. We say we’re sorry, but sorry for what? Some simple rules on apologizing:

- know what you’re apologizing for
- understand the other party’s feelings and issues
- do not make excuses for your behaviour

more info can be found on the net by Googling “art of apologizing”.

IRRITAINMENT

irritainment: entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them." (Taken from New words for 2004)

I say there is an overflow of reality TV shows in this country, these days. First Akademi Fantasia, now we have Malaysian Idol, Audition, and several more. Irritainment. That's exactly what they are. I'm not much of a TV person, but I find myself loathingly watching Diari AF every night. In between shows and during commercial breaks, I will let my fingers guide the remote to Channel 15, to watch the AF auditions. It’s revolting, sickening, yet I still watch it. It’s like a love-hate relationship. What is it about these shows that the masses (myself included) find so captivating? I can't really pinpoint it to a specific reason, all I know is that there is something very alluring in watching regular people like you and me on TV, humiliating and exposing themselves (not literally, of course) to the nation or the world.

Although, I constantly wonder, are those people really portraying their actual self on TV? I wouldn’t know. It could be a front, a strategy to build a fan base. In a segment of yesterday’s Diari AF, the students were given a lecture on the importance of being themselves. At the end of the lecture, the students gathered in a circle, crying their eyes out. Yep, even the male contestants. I don’t understand what made them so terribly sad that they could not hold back their tears till they get off-camera. They made promises to each other that they will be friends forever, and that no matter what happens, they will always stay together. Yeah right, I don’t see Vince and Khai hanging about with the other losers after last season ended. Vince and Khai are now happily charging over 10-grand for live performances, while the others got stuck co-hosting cooking shows or game shows. Anyway, getting back to the part about being individuals, I find it a bit ironic that all 12 contestants cried simultaneously. All 12 contestants also shed tears when they went in front of the camera to wish their fathers “Happy Fathers’ Day.” Please-lah, I’m sure they didn’t bawl when they wished their dads Happy Fathers’ Day at home last year. Despite just going through the individuality lecture, they seem to be acting uniformly, with only their faces differentiating them from each other. And, when they start their crying sessions, keep an eye on the screen, you will see Premiere tissue boxes casually lying about in the background.

Which brings me to the topic of sponsorship. After AF’s fortuitous success last year, the second season meets the fans with not-so-subtle product advertisings. Every single activity in the show is an opportunity for marketers to market their goods. Premier Tissue (as above) for wiping tears and snot, Coke in case you get thirsty, B.U.M. Equipment for clothing, and many, many more. How does this benefit the students? In no way whatsoever, other than finding themselves graduating from the academy, a bunch of anonymous, run of the mill talents trying to make it in the entertainment business. In 3 years, they will be forgotten. I recently saw a local magazine cover with some first season AF graduates, with some local artistes. I couldn’t tell them apart, with their similar make-up and coloured contact lenses. I wonder if personalized advertising would be a better idea. E.g. each contestant endorses a specific product that would supposedly be his or her favourite brand. At least we would hear people saying, 3 years down the road, “Alah, si polan Akademi Fantasia tu…yang suka minum Pepsi tu…” or something like that.

Well, whatever it is the producers aim to achieve; it is definitely doing very well. Again, I ask the question, why do the masses love it so much? I Google-d “the psychology of reality shows” and found some interesting articles. Here are some quotes:

“The message of reality television is that ordinary people can become so important that millions will watch them. And the secret thrill of many of those viewers is the thought that perhaps next time, the new celebrities might be them.” (Psychology Today: Why America Loves Reality TV)

“It IS a circus. It has to do with our needs to become voyeurs, to peek into the deepest and darkest parts of our fellow human beings.” (Bob Simmerman)

Oops…this is getting too long. I suppose I’ll continue rambling on this topic another time.

heelies?!!?

does anybody know where i can purchase those shoes on wheels? i'm planning to purchase their entire stock, because those kids on heelies annoy the heck out of me. they zoom past me everywhere...in the shopping mall, in the supermarket, in wet markets. arghrarghrgh!!

Will Young - Friday's Child

Anybody heard Will Young's new CD? Titled Friday's Child. I heard some samplers, and I think the songs are pretty good. (For those who don't know who i'm talking about, Will Young was the winner of the British Pop Idol). But the CDs in Tower Records, etc etc...are molto expensivo!! RM44..man! I was looking around in one of the CD shops in PJ last night, saw a William Hung cd for RM42!! Who would pay RM42 to listen to William Hung? Now, Will Young, he's different. I still can't bring myself to pay RM44 for a CD though. I need testimonials...is the cd really that good? help!

photo of the day

A picture taken with my Zire 72 yesterday, when i got stuck in a massive traffic jam near hartamas.

young hearts

as i'm sitting in this cafe, busting my brains out trying to remember facts and figures, i observe the constant stream of college boys and girls coming and going out of this place. among themselves, they act without boundaries. the boys surprise the girls from behind with big hugs. the girls prop themselves on the boys' laps as a greeting. i feel like an old grandma as i notice myself giving them the, as people would say "pandangan slack". i look at the four multi-racial boys sitting outside, with heaps of books and files in their hands, smoking their lungs out. the girls would walk in and out of this cafe, wearing tight jeans and tops that resemble handkerchiefs, babbling in their loud american accent (probably perfected by watching re-runs of Sex & the City and Friends). i try not to be judgmental, but i am.

i should get back to my studying.

?!?!?!

endless procrastination in writing my football paper has brought me to D-day minus 2. It's due on friday. and i'm only 30% done. and i'm still watching Shrek 2 tonight. writing this paper has started me thinking. is it just the quality of our football games that is stopping us from becoming one of the most watched leagues in the world? it didn't used to be this way. 10-15 years ago, mokhtar dahari, dollah salleh and zainal were the kings of football. now it's beckham..ronaldo. even in newspapers we get more coverage of foreign football matches compared to local ones. and it's not only football. take badminton as another example. i remember in boarding school, we all got exemptions from our evening preps so everybody can sit in the great hall to watch the Thomas Cup finals. we all remembered the names of all the Sidek brothers. but nowadays, if somebody asks, "when's the next Thomas Cup?" The usual answers you get are "tak tahu?" or "thomas what??". not that many people even ask that question, i think.

i dunno..is it just the lack of talent of our local atheletes, or can we push some of the blame on the severe lack of publicity? then again, if there was no demand, there would be no publicity. could artificial demand be created in order to revive the spirit we had a decade ago?

Death by Chocolates

A trip down to KL last Saturday ended with a superb dinner buffet at Shangri-La's Cinnamon Cafe. The choice of food was endless. Cold cuts, indian, chinese, italian, etc. I just didn't know where to start. As I was making my rounds, i found a chef, hidden in a corner, serving noodles. But best of all, the famous Chocolate Fountain. Dip anything you want through the fountain, biscuits, grapes, strawberries, kiwi fruit, dates, bananas. It was superb! I even dipped my chocolate tart in the fountain. mmmm yum! The buffet is a bit too expensive (about RM90 i think), so if you decide to go, make sure you go with an empty stomach.

Machai Paradise

I'm suddenly bogged down with things to do. School work, office work, social obligations, etc. We complain we we're bored, we complain when we have too much to do. We humans will never be satisfied with what we have.

Feline update: Cats fully migrated to new home. They seem unhappy sitting in the cage all day.

Movie update: Van Helsing alright, Taking Lives worth the money, Starsky & Hutch absolutely funny!

Streamyx question - who do you have to know in Telekom to get requests moving in there? If you have an answer, leave me a note. I can't live without streamyx. Got things to download, things to upload and research to be done.

Zire 71 Update

The Zire 71 has been sold. I have now upgraded to Zire 72, which is much much much cooler, in terms of looks and functionality. The camera is 1.2 megapixels, instead of the measly 0.3 MP on its predecessor. It can also record video. It's got bluetooth (not that I extensively use it..hehe). It's much sleeker than the old zire, and the color is much nicer. The only thing i don't like about it is the power button, which seems to be difficult to press. All in all, I'm very happy with my purchase.

Here's a sample

Zire 71 For Sale

I'm selling my Zire 71. Bought on 26th June 2003. Unit replaced with a new one in January 2004. Warranty ends in June 2004. It's a cool, fun toy for people who don't care about bluetooth, wireless and things like that. You get the standard pack (unit, charger, casing, installation CDs, owner's manual, box). On top of that, you'll get the 2-in-1 USB synchronizer and charger, worth RM65. All for RM 500.

I'm selling it because I'm upgrading to another palm. This unit works like new. It's also supported by PDA Expert (Midvalley), so you can go see them to get software, etc. If you're interested, email me at shazrin@yahoo.com.

For more info, check out the Zire page.

Mr. Frodo, the 3-month old kitten

the attention-seeking kitten.

Cat Update

All cats have been adopted. By kind families, I must add. Hooray!! Thanks to Najah, who helped me spread the word. Some of them are still with me, waiting to be picked up during the long weekend. I will miss them. Especially, especially Kitty. boohoo!! I'm now left with the four cats I'm keeping: Cookie, Alf, Mr Frodo and Gedompol (a rather fat one). Pictures below: Cookie (left) and Alf (right) @ 4 months old.

Freaks, Creeps, etc.

You see many strange things in KL these days. People don't even stare anymore. Except for me, I think. I can't help but stare at strange things I see around me. For example, today, while having lunch in KLCC, opposite me sat a person. I said 'person' because I couldn't make out whether that person was a man or a woman. That person has a girly face, but was wearing men's working clothes, complete with men's shoes. I didn't see no boobs!! Hmmmm.. But that wasn't the strangest thing about the whole thing. The person had a doll...nicely set up on the table. And he/she stared at it every so often. Weirdo! I was worried that he/she might start a voodoo routine or something. Finished my lunch quickly and left.

H20 Bar

was having teh tarik with some friends today, when the topic of lifestyle came up. one friend brought up the topic of mineral water, and how mineral water sales will soon exceed the sales of carbonated drinks. it's because these days, mineral water producers are marketing their water more aggressively, with an extensive array of variety, e.g. the water comes from the Swiss Alps la, the water comes from Alaska la, the water comes from a reservoir that hasn't been touched in 300 years la, etc. etc. Heck, drinking water is even more expensive that petrol these days!! So we came up with an idea....how about an H20 bar? people could have an H20 martini, 10% water from the Swiss Alps, mixed with water from that 300 year old reservoir, on the rocks, topped with cherry and a little umbrella? we could also have "Water of the Day (WOTD)", ice-blended water, etc. then came the story about this place in KL where you can leave your crawling baby, and for like rm30/hour, the baby could crawl freely without us being worried that it'll knock its head on the wall or staircase. my gosh, things like this also can make money ah?

lifestyle sells, doesn't it? we were fine 20 years ago when all we drank was boiled tap water. when we crawled around the house as babies, surely we did hit some hard objects, but we did grow to become normal humans, didn't we? but today, lifestyle sells. the gym is not selling its gym facilities, it's selling the healthy lifestyle. Coffeebean isn't selling its coffee, but the lifestyle of hanging out and looking cool. as a friend pointed out, to which i agree, if 10 years ago we came up with the idea of selling RM10 coffee, "sure people will laugh in our faces punya lah...siapa nak beli?? Kopi 444 pun dah cukup best, baru 50 sen." very true. (note to self: must come up with a great lifestyle idea to make my first million)

on another note, one of my cats, Mr. Frodo, is a chronic attention seeker. as i'm typing this, it's trying to grab my fingers so i would pet it. now it's rolling at my feet, seeking for attention. an now it has climbed on my shoulders, noyt sure whzt it wants. can't stype pr0perlya since it's now ssdfpounding ist paws /on the ksyboarsd. shoh!! shoh!!

on another note altogether..i need some ideas on how to commercialize Malaysian Football, and how we can learn from the US and UK. any help is much appreciated. =)

moving out

In a couple of weeks I will be moving back to my new-old home. Old being the neighborhood and house i grew up in, New being the recently renovated home i will be moving back into. I have been staying in the "temporary" home for almost 2 years now. (No, we didn't tear down the other house and rebuilt it, the contractor took 2 years to do a 5-month job). But anyway, 2 years. Two years of being an anonymous person in a rather unfriendly neighborhood. Nevertheless, I will miss the anonymity. I will miss the peacefulness of the area, where the cats can run freely without my worrying that they'll get hit by a car. I will miss the short journey to work (20-30 mins, vs 1 hour!). I will miss the occassional sound of the Commuter and ERL. But I will NOT miss the neighbor behind us who stole our papayas, claimed those as theirs, and refused to share some with us. Also the guy next door who hates our cats and will never smile at us when we pass by.

I can't wait to move back to the familiar and friendly place I came from. At the cost of the cats' movements being constrained to a 3ft x 4ft x 5ft cage. Fair enough, I think.

monster madness

went to see Super Sapiens last night. it's about Hell Boy, a hellspawned devil that goes around fighting other evil monsters. quite a funny movie. but even funnier, after the movie, was the conversation with my friend:

Friend: eh i have an idea for a movie lah
Me: oh really..what?
Friend (deep in thought): hmm i can already hear the movie voice saying, "out of the flames of the oven....i am...Roti Boy!!"

i found it so funny, i laughed till tears came out. ah..what a fun night, what a fun friend i have.

oh, speaking of monsters, check out the Gila Monster. My Gila brother forwarded it to me this morning. yuck.

Cat Update

I didn't have time to take the cats to SPCA yesterday...so these cats are still available...Kitty and Kitten No. 3. The other two have been adopted.

Click here for pictures.

The Chandelier @ Taman Seputeh

went for friend's birthday dinner at The Chandelier...in Taman Seputeh. it's a really cool place, done up nicely with ponds and fountains, etc. and the food's not bad, not too pricy. however, the service was terrible!! i think the management must've hired a bunch of waiters from hell. how unfortunate..to state an example, my friend ordered mushroom soup and some garlic bread. so after we waited for about 45 minutes, the soup came, with a slice of bread (looks like gardenia). but no garlic bread. so friend asked waiter, "i ordered garlic bread, can i have it? saya nak makan dengan sup." waiter said (blank expression) "uh..garlic bread?" then she rotated the soup bowl and pointed to the slice of (non-garlic)bread "ni ada bread!" and walked away. Plain Rude!!

so the birthday dinner didn't turn out that well. it didn't help that a very angry customer walked up to the counter and started ranting loudly, telling them that he's been waiting for his food for an hour. then he started shouting "hurry up!! hurry up!!", threw a glass of water on some waiter's face, and smashed the glass on the floor. what a scene! the man was harsh, but i have to admit the restaurant needed that.

conclusion: awesome place, but NEVER go there on a busy night. i've been there several times on their quieter nights, and it's not too bad. you'll still get the same stupid waiters from hell, but at least there'll be less customers to serve.

Royal Blood(y) Privileges

i've been working like a mad man these past two days. yee haa! (read my previous entries for the reason why i'm happy)

anyway, after work i decided to go see some friends that i haven't seen in a couple of weeks. the traffic was pretty bad on the way, although it was already past office hours. suddenly, in the middle of it, some escort policemen started whizzing by, their blue lights on, and they were honking like mad, forcing cars to move to the side. how were we supposed to move la?? the road was JAM PACKED!! i cursed, this better be an ambulance or the fire brigade. since nobody could move, one policeman started shouting on his P.A. system, "SILA BERI LALUAN...SILA BERI LALUAN..." after what seemed like ages, they finally managed to clear one lane. and what passed by? a stream of mercs and beemers-royalty plate numbers. blarggh!! one of the cars wasn't tinted, so i managed to catch the passenger's face. not a sign of guilt. what...they think they're the only people who're in a hurry to get somewhere ah?? what about me and the other people who've been queuing patiently, worrying about whether we'll make it to our dinner appointments? please lah...i paid to use the road too!

ok lah, no point complaining. it's not going to change anything. if anybody knows how and how much it costs to hire the escort police, let me know. maybe when i'm rich and royal enough, i could hire them to clear the roads for me to get to work every morning, since i've been getting in late almost every morning now. kekeke..

buona notti...domani sara un giorno migliore.
good night...tomorrow will be a better day.

damn!!

woke up to the unbearable stench of cat poo. in my room. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!! i shoud've woken up when Alf was meowing loudly to get out of the room earlier. idiot! idiot! idiot!

Concert Photos

here's a flavor of what i experienced. wish i had brought a better camera...

Guy Sebastian	Gareth Gates
Gareth playing guitar	Gareth again

Say It Isn't So - Gareth Gates

Skies are dark it's time for rain, final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays, wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow

How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore

Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so

Ten to five at least we tried, we're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel, shake the ground beneath the wheels
As I wish I never found you

How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on

Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear me laugh again

just came back from Gareth Gates concert in Bukit Kiara, got free, front row tickets...I'm telling you, he is YUMMY!!!! So the jambu boy la...Loads of teenage girls though, so I had to join in the jumping and screaming to fit in. At one point, me and friend got annoyed stares from a nearby parent when i screamed "Gareth!!! Take off your pants!!", and my friend screamed "Gar!! Show us some skin!!" Oh sod off...old git!! But he joined in the screaming a bit later, so i guess it's cool.

Will post pictures later. although won't see much from my Zire71..well at least those who missed it will get to see his silhouette. i was very close to the stage..woohoo! not close enough to catch the towels he threw, but definitely close enough to have eye contact with Gareth (i think he DID look at me)...hmmm..hahaha!

I propose the next concert should be Justin Timberlake. I'm definitely there!

Another Cat

I forgot that I'm also giving away the kittens' mother, Kitti, if anybody's interested. She's 1.5 yrs old, fully vaccinated, but not spayed. A couple of months ago, she experienced loss of hair around her neck, probably stressed by having given birth to 9 kittens in the span of 5 months. But the hair is growing back. Here's a picture of her.



ooh, i forgot to add, these cats are all litter trained, so as long as the litter tray is clean and they have access to the litter box, they won't do their toilet business on the floor or carpets.

Kittens Up For Adoption

Finally, i could squeeze some time to post their pictures:
These kitties are all 2 months plus. dewormed and de-ticked once. So far they've been eating IAMS, but they usually quite welcome the occasional human food e.g. KFC, sambal udang, etc.

Kitten No. 1 (Female)



Kitten No. 2 (Female) - difficult to take pictures of a black cat..if you adjust your computer screen, u might be able to make out its face.



Kitten No. 3 (Male)



They are now a bit bigger than in the pictures. Please email me at shazrin@yahoo.com. The offer is up until 17th April 2004. After that I will have to reluctantly give them away to the SPCA. :(

yuck yuck yuck!

anybody ever heard any of waheeda's songs? wassini? or mencari (the duet with giegil)? i don't know about you, but whenever i hear her singing, i just feel like &^%@!(((@#&@!!@)(Q$#**#&#@!!

nuff said.